OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

Crikey, I remember your previous posts. Ex and OW showed their capacity and enjoyment for vindictive behaviour. That's in their nature. OW probably fears the idea that you'd have a neutral relationship with your ex, her (perceived) stability was built on destroying your relationship. From what I recall, he'll be following the path of least resistance, likely agreeing with whomever he last spoke to, but not taking any action unless forced into it. I suspect that ignoring her attempts at provoking you (or misunderstanding them and responding with kindness) will make her irate.

Anyway, lovely update to hear that life's going so well. Ultimately that's your revenge.

2 years?

I think you might have miscounted .

Arf@ waltermitty

The prize for being dignified is getting to slap yourself on the back every so often and to look in the mirror and go, "Yup, I am pretty awesome..."

Two years!? Awww, bet he's a cutey!

If it makes you feel better I don't utter a word to my xh's dp and it's been ten years.
I am pleasant and positive to my dd about her and but them and their children presents at Xmas and birthdays.
I simply have nothing to say to a woman who was shagging my husband when I was recovering from breast cancer and had a 8 month old baby.
I cannot forget my boys acting up at school and one of them taking up a cannabis habit.
I cannot forget their faces when she announced one of her many pregnancys with a scan pic sent to their face books.
I'm very happy now but I have a long memory!!

Ledkr I don't think I'd grasped the full shittyness of your ex's behaviour, and his OW's either. Wow, just... wow. Yes, I identify with having a long memory. I'm having a 'moment' of solidarity here on your behalf. We really have had some twunts, hey?

Yes - two tomorrow, my baby is all grown up! Ok that's an exaggeration. But he's talking and everything, no babies in this house anymore.

The DC are awesome, fact. I am going to take a minute to say yep, I'm proud of me and I'm pretty awesome sometimes too (well, you can't be humble ALL the time lol). And DP is lovely as you like, so here's to the future.

While I'm not being all humble and dignified, I shall also say that I hope the OW's PFB is a right pain in the butt and cries all night and XH is as useless as a damp dishcloth, just like he was with our DS1. I hope she touches the voids of exhaustion I've been through with my two and feels the resentment I have been through, knowing that no-fucker is going to help her out. And then I hope she marries the twunt and makes it permanent (well, in as much as it'll be a royal pain in the arse to divorce him herself at a later stage).

And in the meantime I hope I carry on not caring a jot, 99.99% of the time!!

Two years with your wonderful bean. New city, new job, awesome dp and of course your fantastic ds1. All good.

Here's to you, nefnaf - long may you rise.

I would say something like this, personally "I do not have any intention of forming friendships with people I do not trust, and I am honest with and around my children, to give them a role model of what a trustworthy person looks like. Therefore I am not interested in pursuing any friendship with you, real or faked. I will naturally be civil if on occasion we have to meet, as always, but I will only meet with the children's father if and when we need to make arrangements together as parents."

A little late to this discussion (story of my life )but as I was/am OW in my DH first marriage and a mother to own DC and SM to his DC I wanted to give my perspective to OP's situation and can say without reservation that this women is an entitled cow who needs to back right off. There is NO WAY in any world that she had the right to impose her needs on you. I wouldn't dream of sticking my beak into anything DH and his ex do with their children. The relationship you are trying to establish is that of co parents, she is simply not one of their parents thus it is simply nine of her business. I am sure that this has more to do with her security now pg and being only too aware what your shitty ex likes to do when partners are pg..imho I would text/email ex, state this meeting is about establishing good co parenting parameters and you don't want her their. If he doesn't agree then don't meet ! save it for when he is trying to escape the house fed up with crying baby ! x

OK - I'd block her emails [or bounce them] or set up a rule to put anything from her into trash and mark it as read.

Really, what an attention seeking fuckwit.

That's if I wasn't tempted by WalterMitty's response which is just perfect.

'Dear OW,

Thanks for your second email. To be honest, I think what would be best for you would be to concentrate on things closer to home right now - certainly I found that becoming worried over things I couldn't control was a major source of stress to me in pregnancy! As I've already confirmed, the only agenda for the meeting I suggested was indeed discussing the children and the co-parenting requirements of their mother and father. And, as I've had no reply from their father during this exchange, I will assume that he isn't interested in following it up after all, which is absolutely fine. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the ducks, etc.

Best wishes,

DS1 and DS2's Mum.

I have now had a reply from XH. He wants no telephone or face to face contact with me, and 'trusts I can appreciate' that he wants his partner to play a full and active role with our children. By his own admission, she will be present 90% of the time, at every hand over etc. Therefore conversations between us will be limited to email.

I've had my answer. And I'm taking it. He only wants to be a Saturday dad, they plan to force my hand over every school event/family event etc. So there you have it. I'll just have to grin and bear it in public, and essentially bring them up as I see fit.

I'm giving up on any kind of invitation to coparent.

Sadly, this doesn't even surprise me or upset me anymore. I just accept it as the natural order of things.

And he felt this was an appropriate communication on your ds2's birthday

That doesn't surprise me either, to be honest. You will only ever open yourself up to this kind of attack if you try and engage with him as a human being.

This whole landscape is going to shift once her child is born. Bide your time.

Your dc will make their own minds up in years to come nefz

For now, just know you tried and you can't do more than that.

He is a cunt.

And she is going to be exhausted. (Mwah, ha ha)

Happy Birthday to that DS2. Hope you have a lovely day, OP, surrounded by your lovely family.

Did he even remember it was his son's birthday?

For NefLittlestBoy.

What will you do now as you do not have to be bullied into letting her be there all the time.. I would deny the father rather than embrace his girlfriend having a shit day so ignore me as not feeling very charitable

Nef - I doubt it's of any comfort, but I bet it changes when she has the baby. I'm betting things will be "too much trouble" for her for a while - you will have a grace period.

As for the graceless fuckwit, do what he wants. He's demonstrated that he has no ability to think for himself or wish to be a decent co-parent taking your wishes into consideration ever - so bollocks to him. And her.

nef I remember your posts. You are ace

OW is obviously bloody terrified of ex twunt having anything more than minimal contact with you without her present.

She sounds very insecure, and really quite immature.

You can't reason with the unreasonable so if I were you, I'd sit back, enjoy your awesome dc and wait for the fireworks when everything goes tits up for them

Just seen this. I remember you. 2.5 years already! Glad to know you are doing well. :)

Sorry your ex is still a twat, but they don't really change.

I think you summed it up pretty well with this I will file this episode under 'timely reminder your ex is a cock'

As for co-parenting I'd forget (as I have sort of with my ex). You are responsible for the children the vast majority of the time, so if he has any issues he can offer his opinion and you decide what to do.

I also think that you should stick with email, as it also gives you a record of any conversations, in case there are ever doubts.

You have offered to include hin more in coparenting and to improve communiction in regards to the children and work together as parents. Well done for trying.

You havent lost anything but he has, his problem. Nothing has changed from before so you havent lost anything and now you can delete her email and only contact him if really needed.

um could you pass the buck with your child saying you will have to ask Daddy?

I think you are doing a great job and you will make the right decisions for your children and you.

Your dp sounds nice and can be a good posative role modle to your children in the future.

Your children will be ok and as adults will understand you cant change someone else and that you was readonable and did your best.

Its not your fault their Father is a crap, weakwilled parent

OP I too remember your previous posts and agree with everyone else - you are awesome.

As your invitation to communicate better/face to face to help with co-parenting has been declined, in your shoes I'd be defaulting to bare minimum communication. Give him the contact details for any/all schools/nurseries/doctors/dentist etc. and then no further information at all. You parent how you feel is best for your DC and he can find out anything he wants by doing the leg work himself for any updates/meetings/events/appointments and simply organise special dates/days for your family, and leave him to sort out his own. Hell would freeze over before I'd organise any celebration that involved the pair of them being in attendance. You've tried to make that possible and you've had that offer 'declined' so that's how it's got to be I'm afraid.

You just need to think of your DC, what's best for them and you, and leave that pair to fester. I think the term that applies here is 'parallel parenting' and I think that's as much as you can hope for from him.

Look out for yourself and just give him what he needs to figure things out for himself. You facilitate their relationship and don't owe him/them anything else beyond that.

You must be loving the fact that she's so insecure as to not let him speak to you face to face.
What a life she's got now with someone she knows can be so despicably disloyal to his pregnant wife.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone - thats a killer email!!!! Nefnaf - I would send it. I suspect that once she has a child of her own, her obsessive interest in yours will lessen somewhat.

I would respond with 'I never expected anything else, but was advised to make you the offer. Thanks for being true to yourself. And your son has had a great birthday, by the way'.

Never tell who advised you of course.