OW emailed me. WWYD?

[nefnaf]

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

thank you for all the lovely messages :)

Bean had a lovely day, thanks to his edible glitter covered birthday cake he's still bouncing off the walls... at some point he will crash and go to sleep I hope! I'm just enjoying the marvellous, funny little boy that he is right now. And feeling very lucky that I can do all these things with him and his brother.

There's plenty of left so feel free to pass it around! x

Happy birthday ds2! And I do like Ribena's carefully cryptic response.

I love the idea of ending with 'and fuck the ducks'. In fact, there is an Oxford College where that is very similar to the unofficial motto, in Latin. I may try and find that for you...

Of note is the fact that, out of the entire bird kingdom, the mallard has the biggest tool. Perhaps you could thank her therefore for sharing that with your children as previously the only giant cock they had been acquainted with was your ex.

Alternatively you could be smarter, nicer and more mature than I and just ignore .

I read all your threads as chocoraisin and have often thought about you. You are amazing and those boys are so lucky to have you, don't you ever forget that! The shit will fly once OW has that baby, bide your time nef.

Happy Birthday big boy! 2!!!! I can't believe it!!

Ignore the narcissists - soon enough there'll be trouble in paradise. I can't imagine he's going to feel number 1 in the world for too much longer!

My exh's new wife would have been like this if I had let her. Thankfully my solicitor agreed with me that she didn't need to be involved straight away. She too was the OW although she likes to pretend otherwise. She too got pregnant quick (about 3 months after exh left me). I think that she thought I would be jealous and it was almost like a haha look how happy we are. The truth is I didn't back then and still don't give a fuck. She is welcome to him coz who wants a cheating cunt as a husband.

My ex doesn't see his child because he wasn't allowed to play happy families with the OW. However my dd hasn't suffered not having them in her life.

I'd go with a faux insouciant 'oh, it's not necessary for us to pretend to be friends, gosh no, the children's father and I are now communicating well again'

wow, just read the update email from your x nefnaf.

Reminds me of my own x who won't look me in the eye now but he manages to do that in such a way that would make any bystander believe that he has too much integrity to compromise himself communicating with me.

Both utter shits. Carry on with your new happy life, not giving either a backward glance.

the emotion hit today. I had another night of 4 hours sleep and just broke down this morning, cried it out. I feel incredibly lonely when the responsibility for the DC is so completely on me, and I'm tired, and hurt and can't see an end to it.

I know it passes when I feel like this, but it's so shit when you're going through it :(

So sorry, nef - it's bloody tough when the emotion gets on top of you, isn't it? Hope it doesn't last long. (((hugs)))

Completely understandable reaction, nefnaf. Have the dc been with their dad this weekend?

It will get easier as they get older and more self-sufficient - but each stage of parenting brings its own challenges and rewards. All you can do is soldier on (and on).

Now the stern bit - you opened yourself up to this with unrealistic expectations about your ex. The man is a turd and always will be. You must protect yourself better by keeping him firmly on the periphery of your day-to-day life. However brutal, you are 100 times better off without him.

Have a good wallow and then pick yourself up. Compared to the dark days you've already lived through this is only a blip.

You are doing great but you are not an unfeeling robot so don't see it as a negative that sometimes you need to let go.

nef I have not commented on this thread before, but I have been reading.

You are such a strong women. A brilliant role model to your children.

You are vulnerable and you will cope.

nef I remember you well when you were Choco and I had a different name too. It's fantastic to hear how well you're doing. I always thought you'd be living a positive life somewhere. You have dealt with the whole shit-storm over the last two/three years with so much dignity and grace. Your beautiful boys will both grow up as strong and lovely people thanks to the example you've set.

As for DuckWoman, you've handled her misguided attempts at manipulation friendship with aplomb. I bet you as soon as she has her own dc, her attempts to parent yours will fade away in her struggle to try and get her d h to participate in parenting his third.

Great to hear such a happy beginning to a new story

Your ex is a crap father but by all accounts he and you did make wonderful babies!

He is your cross to bare(?) but look at how well you've done! I hope you can Lean on those who truly love you and the boys. You've been very strong, it's hard to be strong all the time.

It is a huge responsibility, you did your best OP.

Like others have said, who wants a cheat of a husband, and to live with the fact you were party to wrecking a family.

Sadly your children are better off without the pair of them in their lives.

My guess is this nonsense is to make you look bad, so they don't have to see the children and it can all be about OW, her pregnancy and the new baby.

This is kind of blessing now, your children won't be stuck in a toxic environemnt and they can enjoy your DP. I am sure he will make a great male role model for your dc.

Another issue with letting DuckFan become a part of your children's life's on a regular basis is the pain they will feel when she drops them when a shiny new baby comes along.

I also read your threads from before. I can't really add anything that others haven't already said in a more eloquent way than I could, but wanted to send some love your way. Your boys are blessed to have you for their mother.

thank you :) my DP bought me 12 red roses the day before yesterday 'just because'. I am starting to think about the future and overcome the fear/loneliness. There are many reasons to believe that it will all be ok, and better. My boys are always going to be my joy and purpose. I guess I will just take the line that at least my ex gave me them. x

As you did him..

I read your original threads whilst pregnant with DS2. Only the other day I was wondering how you were doing. I am a total lurker and cannot add anything that hasn't already been said apart from the fact that you are amazing and are such a better woman than me

"I have now had a reply from XH. He wants no telephone or face to face contact with me, and 'trusts I can appreciate' that he wants his partner to play a full and active role with our children. By his own admission, she will be present 90% of the time, at every hand over etc. Therefore conversations between us will be limited to email."

I'm so sorry nefnaf ... even although deep down you know they can no longer steal your happiness, it's still a shock to get a reply like this, and momentarily takes you back to the beginning ... lets all those feelings 'in' again. I promise they will pass quickly this time.

A bit tongue in cheek this ... but maybe you should write him one last reply on this (but send it directly and separately to each of them) ... just to cheer yourself up .....

Dear ExH

I am sorry you that don't feel that telephone or face-to-face contact with me would be useful in co-parenting our children. It would have been nice to have developed a situation where I could have, with minimal disruption, involved you in many more of the day to day parenting decisions (after all, for example, how much easier is it to pick up the phone and have a few moments chat).

I will of course respect your decision not to avail yourself of my offer. I do understand that this is perhaps not the right time for you for such progression in co-parenting ... pregnancy can be a stressful time for anyone and, given the history of your relationship and her experiences of your behavior during pregnancy, it is a time that must be particularly fraught for both your DP and therefore, for you ... indeed, under the circumstances, no one could blame her for feeling a bit nervous and possessive!

So email it is then!!

with regards
nefnaf

nefnaf
Ignore his email. Don't respond. It will take the wind right out of his sails. At the moment, he thinks that he is in a position of strength, dictating how you can and can't contact him. Watch what he does when he's totally ignored. Me thinks he'll be on the phone pronto and those texts will be pinging away. He seriously thinks he's going to spend the rest of your children's years maintaining only email contact? Yeah, right.

And as for the ducks [hmmm]…. as another poster commented …k the ducks! Who gives a damn?