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Original poster

OW emailed me. WWYD?

174 replies

nefnaf · 30/06/2014 08:39

So, it's been 2.5 years since I split with XH (how has that happened?) I was pg with DS2 at the time and there was OW (XH's now Dfiance) involved. Not sure if anyone would remember, but I was posting at the time as Chocoraisin. It was awful. Lots of inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, esp trying to force a relationship with our then unborn child - positioning her as SP and demanding I accept her etc. Since then they've tried to involve her in nursery trips, insisted on her being present at every single contact etc. As if he can't function as a parent without grafting her onto his arm. I say nothing about their contact time but have drawn the line at her coming to school etc as it's just not necessary and the 'third parent' line makes me seethe.

Since the split, I've moved on, the DC are happy and I'm really happy too. I have a new DP, XH and his DF are expecting a baby. The worst of the unpleasantness from them has only just come to a lull though (he was trying to force another unecessary legal process just this Jan). I've worked hard to get past the anger to a place of friendly civility and mostly done ok.

So I suggested to him that we have a coffee yesterday (XH and I) on neutral territory and try to rebuild something of a more friendly relationship so that we can talk about the DC etc if needs be - currently we are still on doorstop conversation only. Two hours later I get an email from OW saying it's in my childrens interests to be friends with her and will I come to her house, meet her ducks (they got the boys ducklings last month) and show the children there's no negativity between us. I am shocked tbh.

The paralells between her pregnancy and mine are painful enough, given that I was made homeless and went through it all in chaos and she's now having a baby with him. But having her tell me what my children need and basically ask me to pretend nothing ever happened so that the kids think we're all friends feels like a real slap in the face. She just cannot help herself from staking a claim on my children all the effing time.

I don't want to build a friendship with them as a family. I just wanted to reach a point where I can talk to my DC's dad without it being awful. How do I tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck in a dignified way? I honestly want to say the cheek of it!! Utter twunts the pair of them. Why can't she accept that my DC have two parents and she's not one of them?

I literally cannot imagine a single situation where I was approach my DP's XP uninvited, or make comment on her DC and what they need. And there is none of the adultery history there between us, so you would think if it were normal to do that I'd at least be able to imagine it with DP's ex and try and get my head around it, but nope. I can't. AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Chachah · 02/07/2014 11:44

I've had another one from OW explaining to me that she believes my DC need us to be friends

So she's basically telling you that if you don't want to be friends with her, the woman your DH cheated on you with while you were pregnant, then you are a bad mother.

The CHEEK of her. Good on you for not letting yourself be manipulated by her passive agressive, entitled, attention-seeking, out-of-touch-with-reality ways.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 02/07/2014 11:55

Fantastic post, nef, I admire how you've stayed dignified in all of this. It's so easy to get drawn into slanging matches and you've got your head held high :)

UnlikelyAmazonian seeing as I'm the only poster on this thread with 'koala' in my name, I'll assume you're talking to me. I'm glad I 'always' make you laugh so hard your ribs hurt. I'll take that to be genuine because after all, I've never seen any of your posts complaining about my jokes before (in fact, I've never seen your name on MN before). Not entirely sure why you have an issue with me when other people were also suggesting better birds than ducks?

Itsfab · 02/07/2014 12:04

I remember you and think you are awesome.

I think the OW is either very insecure or very stupid. She wants to have a status and doesn't have one.

You owe her nothing and quite frankly if your ex can't be a father without her stuck to him I would be considering if he can even be a father.

Contact the school if you think she might cause a problem with trying to make herself known as "step parent" and remember you owe her nothing, she has no right to dictate anything at all to you and you are doing an awesome job with the children.

Was she thinking what was best for the children when she was fucking their father? Up to you if you want to ask her that.

Itsfab · 02/07/2014 12:07

"Surprise OW and be lovely and civil. After all, if it hadn't been for her you would not have met your lovely new dp."

wotoodoo ShockHmm

Really?! if the OW hadn't shagged the OP's husband she wouldn't have needed to meet her lovely DP!! I am sure the OP would have preferred to have had a marriage where she was happy with a faithful husband. DO NOT imply the OW was a hero who did the OP a favour!!

Original poster
nefnaf · 02/07/2014 12:19
OP posts:
tribpot · 02/07/2014 12:42

Sadly XH has ignored totally this message (and his DP's) and I've had another one from OW explaining to me that she believes my DC need us to be friends

And this is why you can't engage with them. You want to be reasonable, they want to win. I worry about how this is going to escalate once the Blessed Child is born but there's no way round that. Just retreat strategically for now and shore up your position for that particular shitstorm.

JaneParker · 02/07/2014 13:23

Given this man commits adultery when his women are pregnant and leaves them when the baby comes presumably OW knows what might well now happen!

Clutterbugsmum · 02/07/2014 14:20

Janeparker you would think so, but the OW will think she better then anyone else and twunt would treat her the same wah Nefnaf. Because in doing so she will have to own her mistakes.

Nef you not going to get anywhere with either of them because

A. Your ex likes playing games.
B. OW believes she/they did nothing wrong.

Just continue as you are, be polite and nothing else. Ignore all futures emails which are not about contact with the children.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/07/2014 14:35

I'm so glad that things are going well for you nef. I remember your threads and how dreadful they both were...

I think the original email to him was a mistake (sorry) - he always was a twat- and I'd just try and keep minimal contact with them.

AnAirOfHope82 · 02/07/2014 14:40

Wow what a person you have to deal with......

My personal respones would be to email back and state very bluntly

"i would not chose you as a friend as we have totaly different moral values. I will always be grayeful for your kindness towards mine and exh children and your support of our coparenting and will be civil to you always for the sake of (insert ex name) childern.

Original poster
nefnaf · 02/07/2014 14:41

I agree, and when I think about it I realise that my optimism --foolishness- boils down to this: I still find it hard to accept that my kids father is such a complete arse, so occasionally I go into denial and try to be 'normal' with him which is always a mistake.

I will file this episode under 'timely reminder your ex is a cock'

(subheading: OW is a loon).

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope82 · 02/07/2014 14:48

But then again why bother with her at all. Just dont rely and always remeber they are both fuckwits have as little contact as possable and leave them to it. They are not worth the head space, time or effort.

You tried but they are just unreasonable and how can you expect people like them, who did what they did to ever be anything else?

Maybe in a few years time when it happens to her and she has kids and learned a few life lessons she may feel horrid about what happened but dont hold your breath as she has to lie to her slef at night to be ok right?

Its not you its them. She has no right to be a parent to your children and I personaly would be very blunt about that point.

AnAirOfHope82 · 02/07/2014 14:55

I think its understandable to want to behave normally and to want them to as well. You want ex to be reasonable and a normal dad to his children but its not the reality and you cant change them.

I think it would be nice to all get along and be ok with each other but its not possable because you wouldnt be friends with people like them anyway!

HeeHiles · 02/07/2014 14:56

I would reply with avery short 'No thank you, regards Nef

AnAirOfHope82 · 02/07/2014 14:58

(I have never understood why people who have affairs feel the need to get married or have children so soon!)

BristolRover · 02/07/2014 15:07

hello Choco, I am very pleased to hear that things are looking up in your world, save for b'stard ex reminding you why he is a b@stard / an ex. You are a great beacon of how to behave with dignity & I admire you greatly. x

SuffolkNWhat · 02/07/2014 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clutterbugsmum · 02/07/2014 16:00

AnAirOfHope82 Wed 02-Jul-14 14:58:45

(I have never understood why people who have affairs feel the need to get married or have children so soon!)

Thats simple it's to prove to the world that their love is real and right.

cestlavielife · 02/07/2014 16:03

you just don't need to discuss being friends or not.

reality - you wont be friends but you can both be civil and business like around the kids. you and ow you and ex.

you don't need to label it. just ignore anything that says "lets be friends" it s whiny and needy. friendships develop or they don't.

just respond factually to messages. "we will be there at two pm for pick up as agreed" no need to get into anything else...

just don't get into any conversation/email or otherwise about feelings/emotions/being or not being anything. just ignore her email. if she asks about it just say "what email " blankly. or just respond with factual information about arrangements.

your kids need everyone around them to model adult relationships, as colleagues or acquaintances or whatever. polite but neutral. if your ex and ow cannot - you still can.

how do you wish them to deal with someone they don't like they come across at work or school? with neutrality? .

reality is she is/will be your kids step parent you cannot get away from that.

Itsfab · 02/07/2014 18:43

If they do marry you just need to make sure the school know both your first names and that you are the mother and therefore "in charge."

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2014 19:06

Gawd nef, I remember your situation as well. The OW is still trying to muscle in, isn't she. UGH.
Perhaps you should turn the tables on her - suggest that you need to form a bond with her unborn baby, see how she likes them apples! that might give her a hint as to how fucking inappropriate she has been and still is being. Twat.

As for your ex - he is just one massive bone idle coward. He'd rather let you and the OW slug it out than take a positive stance - and yes, he's a shitfacedwanknobstain so I really wouldn't bother trying to have a sane adult co-parenting relationship with him, because it's never going to happen.

If OW suggests further ideas for meet ups, just say "no thanks, not interested" and leave it at that.

Original poster
nefnaf · 02/07/2014 19:20

I bloody love you lot Grin

Better than Wine and Cake for cheering me up. I've been feeling a bit browbeaten by it again today, there's no prize for being dignified and it still feels pretty shit.

I am just focusing on me and the DC tonight. Can you believe baby bean is turning two tomorrow? I'm going to be up late wrapping presents (bumble bee painted balance bike) and making cupcakes for lunch. Seriously, where has the time gone??

OP posts:
Smelsa · 02/07/2014 19:26

I admire your willpower so much! My ex's new girlfriend sometimes sends emails pretending to be him (the improved grammar gives it away) and it takes so much self control not to email back with I KNOW ITS YOU YOU DONUT! so to stay so calm in your situation is impressive!

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2014 19:31

Shocking how the time flies, isn't it?! My Ds2 is nearly 21mo and I still can't believe it - how is he nearly 2? I'm sure he was only born a few months ago! ConfusedGrin

Waltermittythesequel · 02/07/2014 19:37

OW I understand your desire to be my friend due to my sheer awesomeness.

However, since I'd rather someone tore out my eyeballs and pissed into the sockets than have a conversation with you about anything, ever, I'll decline at this moment.

Thanks, though.