UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

And if anyone has moved countries for love and experienced severe homesickness — how did you know whether you genuinely needed to go home or whether you just needed to give your new life more time?

I did. But my experience will be of absolutely no use to you because I married a decent sober man who treated me well with a nice family. You didn't. Read back some of the replies on this thread already. Your marriage is the problem. That you miss england should just be an added reason to leave him.

@SuddenLull thanks can I ask what stands out for you in terms of me being unhappy.

@MichelleRodriguezxx I’m not that poster, but your marriage is awful, your husband has consistently prioritised his family over you, you’ve had horrific arguments, his family dislike you intensely, you don’t have any friends, you don’t like where you live, you’re homesick, you’ve missed family deathbeds and occasions, your parents are ageing in the UK — you say you would unhesitatingly choose a Time Machine to go back to your life before you met your husband, and that much of what is stopping you leaving is because you don’t know how, to the point that you’re thinking of inventing a family excuse to leave???

Look, OP, there’s no reason to stay. Moving somewhere for a relationship is hard for anyone. I did it, but after less than two years it realised it wasn’t anywhere I wanted to live, so I told my husband I was returning to London, and he quit his job and followed me. A good friend of mine moved from the US to France for her DH after he’d moved to the US for her and was miserable — and even though it was/is an extraordinarily strong and happy relationship (they’re still together and have raised a family in Paris), it was very difficult for her.

To deal with homesickness, the relationship has to be worth it. Yours isn’t.

If I were you I’d go home, really I would. You sound so unhappy x

Have you got the money to buy the plane ticket? If so, take a day off sick, pack everything and just get on a plane. Don't explain yourself if you don't want to. You probably will have to leave your pets, and maybe that's the best thing for them. Just bloody do it. If you don't you'll wish bitterly you had in the future. Get out now .

What @SignsofLife said. No need for explanations…… prioritise your own best interests.

I get that leaving the pets will be hard, but they will be fine, and so will you. Keep your eyes focused on the prize - your freedom and the opportunity to live again.

Real love and security and being with the right person makes you happy OP. Honestly, a good relationship simply isn't this hard - it's easy! You are so unhappy that it doesn't really matter what portion of that is homesickness. If you were with someone who made you feel loved and happy and secure the homesickness would be bearable and something you'd feel you could overcome with time, but that's the opposite of how you feel.

So let's talk practicalities - how much stuff do you have that you need to get back here? And if he's not going to let you take your dog and cat if you tell what you're doing, then I advise you to just leave and tell him once you and your pets are safely back here. Have you booked their flights? What is the process for flying with pets - have you looked into it? I think when you're flying with pets this end you need to drop them off the day before, so if you're hoping to leave at the end of this month, you need to get your logistics in order.

@MichelleRodriguezxx I hope you find the courage to go home, where you know you want to live. Leaving your pets would be difficult but not as difficult as being so miserable.

I totally understand. I would never wish to live in any other country but the USA, except, perhaps, Canada. It's where my heart is, and your heart is in the UK.

Follow your heart, it won't steer you wrong.

Wishing you courage and the best life ever.

He’s laying into me this morning because he hasn’t had his weed. Emotionally dumped on me, called me names implied I get handed things when I pay my way. This is why my confidence is so low because he puts me down and makes me feel like he hates me, then the next day he’ll have a go at me because I only peck him back when he tries to kiss me. It’s because I’ve been hurt by this idiot.

Then just take action. Why are you putting up with this?

Why do you need a random on a forum to tell you why YOU are unhappy? Why don't you know your own feelings?
Because you've been systematically abused and worn down by this man, to the point you don't know yourself.
For goodness sake save yourself. Just go to the airport with hand luggage and passport, buy the first ticket to the UK and text him as the plane is leaving. You will have to leave your pets.

Because an hour later he acts like nothing has happened

You don’t have to though. You know what happened. You aren’t living with people who respect you. Just go to the airport, honestly.,

It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. You aren't his slave. He sounds awful and so do his family. You need to get out so just do it. Stop wasting your time on this forum and take your own destiny into your hands. You are a grown woman, not a child or a slave. Take ownership of the situation and take action. NOW.

Catch that plane OP, you can figure out the rest once you're in the UK with your loved ones.

So get the hell out ASAP. Don’t let him waste any more of your life.

Hi lovelies ❤️

Just wanted to post a little update and ask for some encouragement to keep going with my plans to leave.

On Monday, my partner got into a physical fight with his dad after finally reaching breaking point of the dad’s BS. Unfortunately, things escalated, and his dad went to his car, got a gun out, waved it in the air and then put it in his pocket. It was frightening to witness, and although I don’t blame my partner for what happened, this is now the second serious altercation I’ve been caught up in since moving here nearly two years ago.

I’m still having good days and bad days about leaving. Some days I feel excited about going home, and others I feel overwhelmed with guilt and sadness, especially as my partner has made progress in some ways.

One thing I’ve learned from the lovely comments here is that things don’t have to be bad enough by anyone else’s standards for me to leave. I don’t need a dramatic reason or another awful incident. Simply being unhappy is enough. I’m still trying to accept that.

I know the UK isn’t in the greatest state, but I desperately miss my little village, my people, the seaside, fish and chips and just feeling like I belong somewhere. I imagine the Cotswolds at Xmas 🥹

Here, I feel like I’m existing rather than living. My partner works constantly, everything is expensive, and most evenings and weekends I just sit on my phone. I have no real social life, and I feel like I’ve lost the person I used to be. It also feels enormous leaving and I’m not sure I’m ready for the emotional turmoil. What if I regret it? And all the hard work of boundaries was for nothing? I’d be screwed at ever returning.

I’d really appreciate some encouraging words to help me find the courage and confidence to follow through with leaving, especially on the days when guilt and doubt creep in.

Thank you to everyone who’s helped me realise that wanting a different life is reason enough. ❤️

I know the UK isn’t in the greatest state, but I desperately miss my little village, my people, the seaside, fish and chips and just feeling like I belong somewhere. I imagine the Cotswolds at Xmas

You desperately miss your real life and the people to whom you feel connected.

You will never feel connected to the place where you are currently living, and the connection to your husband is tenuous at best and tainted with too many incidents of “if only he did/didn’t do”.

You clearly cannot see yourself living there, with this man, for the rest of your natural life, and you don’t have to.

And I don’t believe that the UK is in a worse state than the US. I think the average person’s quality of life is the same if not better - particularly if you consider non-tangible things like belonging, the gentler pace of life and the absence of a hustle culture, as well as free healthcare, workers’ rights, paid vacations, maternity leave, etc.

So I would suggest that you should be brave, think long-term - and come home!

You will not regret it. You will look back and recognise it as the moment you salvaged a life you actually wanted. Be brave, you can do it. Things are not right for you there and the woman in your gut knows it. Trust her.

Wanting a different life is absolutely reason enough, OP. I’ve walked away from places, jobs and relationships that would have been considered enviable by many people. But they didn’t work for me, and that’s all it needs to be. You’ve got this.

I wish you the very best, OP, and I hope you get home for Christmas. Just pack a suitcase and come back. 🌷

On Monday, my partner got into a physical fight with his dad after finally reaching breaking point of the dad’s BS. Unfortunately, things escalated, and his dad went to his car, got a gun out, waved it in the air and then put it in his pocket. It was frightening to witness, and although I don’t blame my partner for what happened, this is now the second serious altercation I’ve been caught up in since moving here nearly two years ago.

This IS a dramatic reason and another awful incident. Seriously most american women would have left this man ages ago. Just go home. It seems like you are waiting for the skies to open and god himself to point a finger at you saying "go back to England". You are tolerating shit most women wouldn't tolerate for a second and then talking about whether you like the US or not. I suspect your living situation and your toxic relationship and his dreadful family have done a number on your judgement and decision-making because I don't think one person on this thread said "ah that's just the normal early marriage/getting used to a new country". We all think you are in a terrible situation. Just go home as soon as you can and get some counselling.

This is honestly scary, please trust your gut instinct. Catch your plane and worry about the rest once you're safe. The UK might have its issues, but at least we don't have the nutters waving guns around to intimidate people.

You can do it OP. You really can. You are braver and stronger than you think. Remember the old you? The one before you got beaten down by your current situation? What would she be saying to you now? What would you say to a friend or family member who was in your situation? What do you want your future to be?

You know once you're on the plane all you will feel is utter relief . Then your new life will begin and it will all feel like you've been in a bad dream. There will be challenges but you'll be in the driving seat.