UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

Which state did you live in and was finances the only reason

Thanks for this! Which part of the UK are you living in and what factors made you move to the UK?

I grew up in UK, lived in a European country for a few years and moved to Massachusetts 10 years ago (with husband and kids). On the whole, I like living here and feel the kids have opportunities that they probably wouldn’t have had if we’d stayed in UK, especially with sports. We have a nice house in a great neighbourhood and money to afford a good quality of life and health insurance.

But, although I have a handful of good friends, I miss my family and oldest friends. There is just something different about the sense of humour, cultural connections and references to life growing up, that makes me feel slightly set apart from people over here.

I sometimes think about moving back to UK, but it would be very difficult at the ages my children are now, with fitting into the UK education system. And realistically, if they go to university here, they’ll probably end up settling over here and we wouldn’t want to live back home without them.

In your shoes, if your husband could work in UK, I’d move home and trial living over there and see how you both like it. Or consider living elsewhere in the US.

Whatever you do, DO NOT have children in the US unless you’re sure you want to live there and can remain living and working in the US if you get divorced. Get legal advice.

I know from firsthand experience and several expensive lawyers that the US will never let American children leave the country against the will of a US parent. They are super strict on it.

Also, there just aren’t that many walkable neighborhoods in the US outwith a few big and expensive cities. Agree with you about the friendships etc. As you’ve found, it’s a totally different culture.

How would your DH feel about moving to the UK?

@TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe
Same in the UK and EU - a lot of women are trapped and can't return to their home countries where they would have better support from their families because they've had kids with UK/EU citizens.
Women are not aware these issues even exist until it's too late.

I'm an American in the UK and what I will say is that while I could see going back to the US, you couldn't pay me enough to live in the suburbs. I find that anywhere that you're completely reliant on cars makes me feel claustrophobic and isolated, I hate shopping malls and plazas and chain restaurants. I do suspect there are some areas of Cleveland that might feel more urban but are still safe?

I also agree with a pp that your homesickness might be putting some rose tinted glasses on life at home. I love living in London, but a lot of the UK is also feeling pretty down at the heels these days. When was the last time you were home for a good stretch?

I'm also adding that making friends as a new arrival in the UK is no piece of cake. It takes some real work to integrate into a new country. Do you have any hobbies that you do with other people?

The UK life sounds lovely to me.

Hi @MichelleRodriguezxx
Thanks for your reply. I teach at a university (Asheville) so I had a ready made supply of colleagues to find friends from. As for walkability, when I first moved there and rented from a colleague in a building that was stunning but not near any amenities, I was pretty car dependent. Like lots of places in the US, public transport is a bit rubbish here. You can take the buses but it takes a ridiculous amount of time to get anywhere, so not really practical, though I'd gladly never drive again if I didn't have to. But eventually I bought a house in the part of town that is most like where I grew up in West London - a little run down in places, but interesting and walkable to restaurants, pubs and shopping. I can see the supermarket from my front porch, so again, that has really made the practical aspects of life here more like UK life. Lots of people live out in the country but it would crush my urban London soul to do that! I do think that going home really regularly to the UK helped me keep connection there and also weekly Zoom calls with some friends which we started in covid and have maintained even up to today. It definitely takes effort, though.

@MichelleRodriguezxx but what about housing/mortgage etc?
Maybe you'll be better off in the UK on 50K salary if you already own a house here? It might be not perfect here but I understand how you feel about a foreign country.
I've been living in and around London about the same amount of time as you in Ohio, but still dislike it and unlikely will have any regrets leaving.
Also I feel UK employees enjoy a lot of flexibility when they become parents - part-time, flexible working, will it be as easy in the US?

Hi! Thanks for this. Which part of the UK are you in. Congrats on moving back - what made you both decide to finally move back/key decision factors?
I really feel like its just so encouraged to be independent here that it really lacks any community feel. Even the servers in the restaurants are only nice because they want something (tips)
I do worry its rose tinted glasses - so trying to remind myself the things I miss aren't superficial things but infact family and friends/life style.

I really feel like its just so encouraged to be independent here that it really lacks any community feel. Even the servers in the restaurants are only nice because they want something (tips)

I wonder if what you're bringing to this is part of the equation? I actually find people in the midwest super friendly, and I don't think it's always because they want a tip and I wouldn't assume that. Asking again - do you have any hobbies, belong to any groups? Does your DH have work colleagues/hobbies/groups? Honestly, integrating into the UK was really hard work, so I understand how you feel, but it sounds like you're being a bit passive.

I think you’ve already had some good insight here. I’m American and have lived in the UK for a very long time. My husband is British and our children were born here. I do think it’s generally quite difficult to move anywhere as an adult and integrate and make friends. Making good friends takes years. If you work from home you have no opportunity to make friends at work. I do think you’ll make new friends when you have childbre wherever you decide to do that. Having a baby opened up a whole world of new friends for me.

I made the jump the other direction and I really love it here in the UK. There’s pros and cons to everything though. Wages here are lower but I find the cost of living is much lower as well (we live in Yorkshire).

I probably am being passive. I think it’s because my husbands family have treated me so horribly that I most likely look at everyone with the same lense now. But honestly some of his friends have even been horrible / sided with his family and gone behind our back to take phone calls from his mother about me and not told us. Some Americans have told me I’m real unfortunate and it is just that family that are bad but. It’s hard to see past that when they are all I had here. I am not part of any groups but I should join some I just don’t know where to start. I’ve also seen posts that the uk is a lot easier to socialize with children because of baby groups / classes/ walking to school etc. Do they have anything like that here? sorry if I’ve already asked but which part of the UK are you in, and what do you like about it :-) will you stay?

I probably am being passive. I think it’s because my husbands family have treated me so horribly that I most likely look at everyone with the same lense now. But honestly some of his friends have even been horrible / sided with his family and gone behind our back to take phone calls from his mother about me and not told us. Some Americans have told me I’m real unfortunate and it is just that family that are bad but. It’s hard to see past that when they are all I had here. I am not part of any groups but I should join some I just don’t know where to start. I’ve also seen posts that the uk is a lot easier to socialize with children because of baby groups / classes/ walking to school etc. Do they have anything like that here? sorry if I’ve already asked but which part of the UK are you in, and what do you like about it :-) will you stay?

I probably am being passive. I think it’s because my husbands family have treated me so horribly that I most likely look at everyone with the same lense now. But honestly some of his friends have even been horrible / sided with his family and gone behind our back to take phone calls from his mother about me and not told us. Some Americans have told me I’m real unfortunate and it is just that family that are bad but. It’s hard to see past that when they are all I had here. I am not part of any groups but I should join some I just don’t know where to start. I’ve also seen posts that the uk is a lot easier to socialize with children because of baby groups / classes/ walking to school etc. Do they have anything like that here? sorry if I’ve already asked but which part of the UK are you in, and what do you like about it :-) will you stay?

I probably am being passive. I think it’s because my husbands family have treated me so horribly that I most likely look at everyone with the same lense now. But honestly some of his friends have even been horrible / sided with his family and gone behind our back to take phone calls from his mother about me and not told us. There is no trust with these people.i have never had to defend my character so much in my life to people that don’t even know me Some Americans have told me I’m real unfortunate and it is just that family that are bad but. It’s hard to see past that when they are all I had here. I am not part of any groups but I should join some I just don’t know where to start. I’ve also seen posts that the uk is a lot easier to socialize with children because of baby groups / classes/ walking to school etc. Do they have anything like that here? sorry if I’ve already asked but which part of the UK are you in, and what do you like about it :-) will you stay?

glad to hear your enjoying it! Can I ask which things you enjoy vs the USA? :)

Ok, so they sound awful, but there are awful people in every country. It's unfortunate they happen to be your h's friends and family. Yes, there are loads of mother/baby groups. When we lived in NY, we did tumbling and playgroups and baby groups and music together. I do agree with the pp's though about being very certain before you have babies.

Does your husband know how lonely and unhappy you are? Is he trying to help you?

On another note, I remember Ohio City and University Circle as being quite nice neighbourhoods.

Because of my DH's job we needed to move back to London or somewhere commutable into London. We chose the latter and live in a lovely small city in the home counties. It really is the best of both worlds and we both work hybrid, so some days from home, some days from the office. It's a great balance.

When we moved to the US we always planned to move back here, but the catalyst for moving when we did was that DH's job and the business he was in blew up and he had to retool his career, so it was either do it there and commit to another X number of years, or come back to the UK - we chose the latter. Why? Because we always wanted our kids to be educated in the UK and DC1 was already two years old and we were planning to try for DC2, so the timing felt right.

There will be an element of rose-tinted spectacles, how could there not be? But that doesn't mean that moving back here will be the wrong thing for you. TBH, if I'd been as miserable, isolated and friendless as you are you couldn't have paid me to stay! I'd have been on that plane asap. Life here absolutely isn't perfect, but you'll have your friends, your family, no ILs who hate you, your own culture and a system that you know and understand. Those things count for a lot. Honestly, I can't see anything in the 'plus' column for staying in OH.

OP, honestly it’s a no brainer for me. Move back to the UK. You have family, friends and a nice, safe village with proper community. The only positive thing you’ve said about the US are the parks?!

Also, I’d be leaving with or without your ‘DH’ who doesn’t sound much of a loss if he lets his family treat you as they have, it’s appalling. You’re completely isolated and alone out in the US, it’s not good.

Please, please do not have children with him in the US unless you’re 100% sure you can stay there forever as you you’ll never be able to take them back here without DH’s permission.

So yeh, I’d be hot footing it back to your Essex village asap and giving your husband an ultimatum, he either comes with you or you divorce.

Personally I’ve been happier in the US. Money wise, cost of living is horrid both places. Salaries are higher here but so are expenses. For healthcare you either pay through the nose or wait an eternity. I can’t stand Trump but then look at the turmoil in the UK, I don’t think it’s far behind. So there’s no objectively clear “better” in my opinion (the general mumsnet tone tends to be more anti-American).

I’m near DC and while my neighbourhood isn’t terribly walkable we chose it for other reasons (primarily schooling) and things are convenient enough. I will say that I have been happy educationally. The primary curriculum could have been better but class sizes were smaller, we got much better SEN support than family in England, and I preferred the approach at secondary school.

part of the reason I am happier here though is that I am Jewish and there is a larger community. It also provided an easier way for me to meet people. I do think there’s a point at which every country depends so much on what you make of it.

there are things I really miss about London but then I think about the amount of money required to have a decent lifestyle there (and I really don’t mean lavish) and I cry. The housing is even worse than here and since neither of us work in finance, the salaries are worse.

i was born in uk, lived USA as a teen, university in uk, USA as a young adult then back to the uk. There are great things in the USA but it never felt like home. I made some friends but among the international community, not just Americans.

having kids and being a parent will be very very different in each place. It will help you meet new American friends and a school can help build community. But I wouldn’t want to raise a kid where there are drills for school shootings and where life is dependent on a car. I moved back to the uk to have a family and that worked well.

Jesus, don’t have children in Ohio to see if it gives you an in!

How’s it going to work if you have children? No support from your husband’s family or support only for your husband and child only. It could be very divisive to your marriage.
is your husband supportive and distanced himself from his family? If not that’s a huge red flag and having a baby there isn’t going to help.
As other posters have said don’t have a child there unless you accept that you will not be able to leave with the child if your marriage goes awry.
Good Luck!

Oh, I forgot to add: Family stuff doesn't change. If family is a big factor for you, that can outweigh any paper arguments about where is better. I know people who have moved to any number of countries on that basis and it was the correct decision. But you and your DH have to sort that bit out between yourselves. Do try to be sure, though: I know more than one person who moved for family, with assurances there would be support, and it did not materialise.

I will say that socialising with children is, in both countries, a lot of what you make of it. I had my first in London and I found it difficult to make friends at the baby and toddler stage. It also depends where in the US you are. Some cities are less transient and it can be hard to break in. Mine is not which is helpful. It took me a bit of time to find my niche here as there can be a definite 'type' but I eventually did. Of course, if you are shy, which I can be so I speak from experience, that is a lot of work and I don't blame people for wanting a ready made network. Just saying that it's not clear cut.

The thing I liked least about raising kids here was the ridiculous hyper competition amongst the upper middle class parents especially in sport. I wound up being grateful that my children are uninterested so I was spared the drama of hockey or travel soccer or lacrosse. It gets time consuming and expensive. One does a niche sport but not at a high level.