UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

Maybe Americans know no different.

I think most of us have been pretty supportive on this thread, including offering you suggestions, but this is a really shitty thing to say. This is on you and him, not America or Americans.

You made choices, including a huge life decision with someone you don't appear to have known very well. You're incompatible. He sounds like a loser who's high all the time with a crap family, but 5 minutes ago you were planning to have children with him soon. Upending your life is never easy, but you sound extremely passive. The Ohio suburbs aren't going to change. He seems unlikely to. Make another choice and get yourself to somewhere you're happier.

@Headinthecloudsfeetontheground I have to admit that it took me three to four years to settle, it's a big cultural shock. Technology also made a big difference to me, as nowadays I can listen to and watch so much from the UK, I love my podcasts!

@expatme Yes, it's not fair to generalize as American is such a huge country with some really amazing places. The 'burbs clearly aren't a good fit for the OP, but not everywhere is like this.

There are some Americans in Europe who run social media accounts about their experiences of the UK versus the US. Check out Jay Vail, Zach Lincoln for example. I think they have interesting things to say.

I lived in US for 10 years, loved it but came back to raise family and so glad I did.
Relationships (parents, grandparents, cousins) and UK/European culture, despite having a fantastic time beforehand.

@MichelleRodriguezxx Tbh, your relationship with your DH is the biggest issue, not where you're living. You're realizing that you don't have much in common and he's not even prepared to give your interests a try without moaning. Plus, the constant weed use.

He's the reason that you moved and he's not proving to be worth it. I'd cut your losses and leave.

I do think it takes time to settle in either direction. I'd say for me it was three years at least before the UK felt even vaguely like home.

This thread gets weirder.
OP you said he said he liked things then never had shown any evidence of that. So what about when you were dating?
Did you marry him somehow without realising you had nothing in common?
He cant say what he likes about you except your cooking?
He goes dirt biking and you just sit and wait for hours?
and you don’t think he’ll let you leave.
Did you buy the pets?
Youll just need to leave them and escape

Will do thanks so much!! It’s very relative though because I see so many Brit’s wanting to go to America too as they see the best parts of it.

to the person that was offended - I didn’t really mean this personal to Americans - but I can agree I have become a lot more passive (actually something I was warned about in the Midwest are they are passive, so many I’m acclimating 😂) but I’m all seriousness it may be my experience with his family that I’m generalizing, and the actual horror I experienced last year that every day was fight or flight and they literally kicked me when I was down (quite literally his mother told him to kick me out because we had an argument about
him smoking weed, I had no where to go so I stayed in my car with my two dogs) or maybe Americans genuinely don’t know any different in terms of walkable towns, a difference sense of humor etc there is no right or wrong answer.

I can totally relate to this. I cried just an hour ago thinking of my local tescos where I could hear seagulls (stupid I know)

Also thank you to every person that has commented. I haven’t felt kindness like this for a while and it meant a lot to me that you’d reach out with some words of advice. 💐

(quite literally his mother told him to kick me out because we had an argument about
him smoking weed, I had no where to go so I stayed in my car with my two dogs)

This is horrific but is nothing to do with americans or Ohio or the suburbs. I don't know one american woman - reared in the suburbs or not - who would have tolerated this crap for a second. or who would have gone back to him after it happened. I do hope, OP, that you go back to the UK and get out of what is clearly a toxic relationship and get to leave a place where you are not happy. But when you do please don't learn from it that america is awful and americans know no better. Because that really isn't the lesson and really isn't going to be of help to you if you ever enter into another relationship - even with someone from the UK.

I'd start thinking about your pets right now - finding good homes for them.

Also - in terms of high all the time, I actually have felt like the anomaly for frowning on weed use here. It is so so common now (legalized in Ohio) that people frown at you for saying it’s bad. It’s almost seen as an anti depressant and many have “medical weed cards”. It’s awful.

Hi - it’s really easy to say you wouldn’t have tolerated this and gone back, but I had just transferred my job, sold a house, moved 2 dogs, spend a ton of money, and was in fight or flight mode. I just wanted to survive the next day and I had no where else to “go” apart from this “home” I was being kicked out of. My parents obviously said to come home but I was just trying to get through the next day. Americans have told me that Italian American women are very possessive over their sons so I don’t know if this factors in (again I have just been told). It doesn’t make a difference
to me if she was British or American but my mouth is sour from that family unfortunately.

he actually is ashamed of how he acted that day and currently isn’t talking to his mum. That’s why I feel
torn because things have got better. But that wil be my kids grandmother… she despises me.

Look I'm not blaming you a bit for doing what you had to do and I'm sorry if it came off that way. But you really do need to see that you have an enormous helping of being married to the wrong person with a side helping of not liking where you live. The US isn't the problem here - your relationship is. your husband is. His family is. And if you have any sense that woman will never be your children's grandmother.

I agree this is nothing to do with average normal Americans. I lived there twice and met a loads of lovely sociable ones and whilst different to uk friends, they were kind, funny, generous, welcoming in their own ways etc etc .
This is all about a toxic relationship and an area of the states that isn’t the right fit. You have nothing in common and I’m not sure how you ended up there.
Yes Italian mothers have a reputation for worshiping their sons but that’s also partly folklaw.

Sorry just coming to this now. I moved to be with my British husband and we live in the South East. I love him dearly but if I could do it all again I would have never moved. There isn’t anything wrong with the UK but it isn’t home. People just deep down don’t get me.

It’s really hard as someone is always away from their family and everything they know.

or maybe Americans genuinely don’t know any different in terms of walkable towns, a difference sense of humor etc there is no right or wrong answer.

Again, this generalisation is offensive. I'm a dual US/UK citizen. I have houses in both places. Walkable towns? I'm sitting, right now, in my house on the edge of the water. Earlier, we were watching seals, ospreys and bald eagles from our kitchen deck. We are within a 5 minute walk of 3 bookstores (two used, one new), a toy shop, a pet goods shop, a yoga studio, two restaurants, a diner, a pizza place, a grocery store, an organic grocery store, an artisan bakery, a coffee shop, an award-winning butcher, a waterfront park with a Saturday morning farmer's market with everything from handmade ravioli to local vegetables to locally roasted coffee beans, a high end jeweller, an art gallery, an amazing kitchen goods shop, a beautiful library with a green where they hold Friday evening concerts and show open air movies during the summer. Quite honestly, my house in central London has fewer amenities within a 5 minute radius.

It's not the US. It's your life and the people in it that are your issue. You've made choices and you're surrounded by immature, unpleasant people. You've caught passiveness from midwesterners? Really? All Italian American women are possessive about their sons? Really? I hope you're listening to yourself as you stereotype people and places and make excuse after excuse to not take control of your own life. You don't need to sit there accepting whatever few bones your weed-addled husband decides to throw your way. Just decide what you want to do and do it.

I feel your fundamental issue is his family. It’s not even about comparing the two places in some ways. That they are very unwelcoming to you deprives you of the one group that should be easy entry into having a sense of community. This will translate into lack of support if you have kids. Being at a distant from parents as they get older is really horrible, particularly if you are close

Just read back what you've written there. Get out now. Cut your losses. It will only get worse.

OP can I make a suggestion? Tell someone, family, friends, whatever, how you are feeling about your life in the US. Make it real, and start plans to come home. You're in an unhappy marriage, in a country you don't want to live in, surrounded by awful in laws. There's no reason to stay.

You'll look back one day and be grateful you made the decision to leave.

I agree with @expatme — you have a husband problem primarily. I can't say you'd be happier there if your husband weren't a shit, but he is, and you can't possibly be happy that way no matter where you are. It is different here, but there are good things.

I know quite a lot of Italian-Americans and while there are certainly Italian mother jokes (along with Jewish, Greek, you name it) that sounds like someone's been watching The Sopranos too much.

Yes, weed has become quite accepted here (North America generally I would say, it seems to be just as prevalent in Canada when I visit). Who knows, the UK may eventually go that route. Not everyone uses it, though I will say that alcohol consumption seems to drop as weed goes up, so it sort of balances but it's not the same if that makes sense.

Hi, I'm a Brit living in Michigan. We moved here 18 years ago. I still get homesick and head home very often. However, our daughter grew up here so this is home for her. I'm maybe ways, life here is much better than the UK, it is much more affordable, but I still feel the cultural differences. I didn't know if it's easier or harder having a UK husband. We still have WTF moments after all these years.

If you think you may never get over the home sickness, you need to seriously consider how you will deal with this before you have children. It's is very upsetting to watch your kid grow up separate from your family and have no real family connection. Can you love with that?

I know that is harsh, but if you have a kid in America and cannot cope with that, you have no choice. Moving back home with your child would be almost impossible and leave you financially ruined. On the other hand, having a kid could help you to settle and make connections.

I'd be willing to answer more questions via PM if you'd like

I wrote that before reading all your responses.

Get it, go home. Do not have children. This isn't worth it. Leave the dogs with someone you trust and just get out.

I think you belong in the UK OP, please don't have children in the US they will tie you much more strongly to that country and you will be forever trapped in the limbo of longing to go home but being tied to the USA because of your children.

@SirenScream I completely agree. Mine are dual citizens and if I'd wanted to return to the UK, I wouldn't have been able to take them without a legal battle.

Also, they will view the US as their home and likely won't want to move. One of my friends became homesick a few years ago and asked her family whether they'd consider moving - everyone said no!