UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

thank you 😊 maybe i do belong there. I wonder why i never felt this proud to be britsh when I wasn't there - hoping its not a phad - maybe I have actually realised how much the UK has to offer and the little things that are so important. I hope its not grass is greener syndrome. I am having a bad few days - I keep feeling tremendous guilt like this is the life i chose and i need to make it work, even when my husband talks to me i feel terrible that i am considering going back to the UK. When he is mean or snappy obviously that makes it easier - but its not all the time. I just keep thinking of christmas day when i cried on my own in the bathroom because he shouted about my friend who came to visit me was 'being to loud on the phone' whilst he was trying to have a lie in.... i LOVE christmaso so much, it makes me feel warm and internally happy and it was ruined.

🎵You dont know what you've got till it's gone @MichelleRodriguezxx

OP I will just say in my experience that my British in-laws were very awful to me for a very long time - ,told me they hated me, tried to stop our wedding etc. I can relate totally. They would only do it when he couldn’t see or hear and couldn’t believe they would ever be like that. They were worried he would move abroad with me and they would let see their grandkids/.

But my husband I and I persevered and we are here stronger than ever. Having kids helped relations.

Truly Unkess you have been in this situation it’s hard to understand but there is a real cultural arrogance and it will show.

You can come through but you guys have to work on it together.

You can trot out anecdote after anecdote about how awful he and his family are, and as many stereotypes about Americans and Italian-Americans as you want, but all they seem to be doing is providing excuses for you to stay stuck in a miserable situation. It's not America. It's them (with maybe a side order of Ohio suburbs). But at some point, it's not them anymore, it's you, and a choice you're making to feel stuck.

@Besafeeatcake

You can come through but you guys have to work on it together.

I suspect the difference is that your husband was willing to be a partner in your marriage.

I’m not blaming America. I’ve repeated that several times. I’ve said it’s his family.

No he was VERy caught in the middle and didn’t believe me as they never did it around him.

There is no reason to believe the OP doesnt have a good partner - it’s his family and having a homesick, culture shocked wife who his family aren’t family with is very very difficult.

Don't let all this US vs UK stuff distract you OP. I'm sorry but you need to leave the dogs and come home before you end up trapped forever.

Just off the top of my head, there was so much drama, the OP spent her wedding night alone. There was a year of garbage that has left her, with she thinks ptsd, before he stuck up for her. His friends collude with his mother against her. He smokes weed daily. She likes to walk the dog, go to the beach, walk etc. and he doesn't enjoy any of that, so mostly she does it alone, and he sulks when he does go along. They argue constantly, although this has diminished some recently. She spent at least one night in her car with her two dogs after his mother told him to kick her out after they argued about how much weed he smokes. She cried alone in the bathroom on Christmas Day because he yelled at her that her visiting friend was being too loud on the phone while he was trying to have a lie in.

The OP does not have a good partner, or not unless he has positive qualities not shared on this thread. I certainly wouldn't advise a friend or my sister or, eventually, my DD to put any more time into this marriage.

True. Rotten partner - nationality nothing to do with it.

Agree @expatme he’s basically a controlling bully

Honestly it's been a shitshow from the wedding - and before no doubt - so to be posting now about national parks vs chain restaurants as reasons to stay or go is beyond bonkers. It's a mess, you know it. You should have left on that wedding night, but perhaps you still had some illusions. Now you surely can't kid yourself any longer. If you stay and expect if to get better, more fool you. It will get worse. This isn't love. Sort out travel for your dogs and you and go home.

totally agree i should have left, and believe me I would of if I mentally/physically could have. I was in shock, couldn't believe what has happening. If i could have 'drove' home even if it took me 24 hours I would have. It's not an excuse.. but now I am realising how terrible that all was as my nervous system is relaxing, however things are more 'calm' with husband now

Course it's more calm cos he's stoned all the time. Still no good reason to stay.

I totally agree with pinkdelight you really need to get yourself and doggies back to the UK he’ll never put you first, I’ve DM you.

Sounds like something out of EastEnders.
I don't know why you are still there.
If you gnaw on a table leg because you are so hungry it doesn't become food however hungry you are.
there is no sustenance to be had there.
You are making yourself weaker not stronger by persisting.

You are not a passenger in your own life, @2BarbieOrNot2Barbie - you have agency. What is stopping you from acting in your own best interest?

i started organising and condensing my items last night and looked into containers - i felt happy doing it but then got into bed thinking what the hell am i doing, as things were generally fine and peaceful with hubby. i struggle with people pleasing and making decisions. its a step closer though, i also am really upset about if i had kids they would basically have no family here and to despise your extended family so bad is not something i invisioned, but i know its the person and not the family you marry. @alexdgr8 @pinkdelight @Besafeeatcake @Funkylights @ShrubLover @expatme @SirenScream only tagged people i cud see on last page. xx

It comes as no surprise to me that you struggle with people pleasing. So do I, it led me to waste decades with an emotionally abusive twat. Only I didn't see it at the time, because he was often calm and steady, as long as I dedicated my life to appeasing him and smoothing his way. Thankfully he left me eventually and I'm so so grateful for that every day. And thank God we live in the same country so I've not been trapped in a foreign country in order to see my children. Please don't waver, hundreds of us can see so clearly the shit show your life will become if you have children with this man. You are in serious danger of destroying your entire life.

Actually, you usually do marry into a family, especially if you end up having kids. If you were to have kids with this man, I think you would be deeply enmeshed with his family for the rest of your life.

Me (Brit) and DH (American) lived in a large city in the north east of America and I had very similar feelings to you. I lived there 12 years before we moved back to the U.K.

I am a socialable, confident, easy going person, but I found it really hard to make connections with people and make friends. Like you said, people were friendly on the outside - let’s get a coffee/glass of wine etc, all smiles, but it never materialised and it all just felt like fake niceness to me in the end. I got quite lonely. It didn’t improved with children. I had two while there, and I was never really fully included with the other mums. They were nice to me, but nothing more.

We moved back when the DC were 4 & 3 and I have been so much happier here. We all have. Just like you say. The banter, the humour, people are just friendlier, don’t take themselves so seriously. The conversation isn’t always about sport. I love the history here (which I never appreciated before), the TV, the radio, all of it. But the biggest part of being happier here is the people - I just find them so much more genuine here. And it’s great being closer to family.

If you’re thinking about having DC, I would moved back before you do. If you have DC there and your DH doesn’t want to Iive in the U.K. you’ll be stuck in America.

I (and my U.S.) husband have not regretted the move back at all. We are all happier here.

Unless you’ve lived there. It’s a really hard feeling to describe, but I had to reply to you because I felt exactly the same, and totally got where you were coming from.

It’s not perfect here by any sense, the NHS, some high streets not looking great, but we are still happier here and don’t regret it at all