UK or US life: homesickness, family ties and where to settle

[MichelleRodriguezxx]

I'm looking for honest advice from people who have lived in both the UK and the US, or who've faced a similar decision.
I'm originally from Essex, UK, but now live in Ohio for 3 years with my American husband. I'm really struggling to work out whether my feelings are just homesickness or whether I'm genuinely better suited to life in the UK.
UK (Essex)

• £50k WFH job (Canary Wharf office if needed)
• Family and lifelong friends nearby
• 3-bed detached house in a village
• Walkable pub, Friday fish & chip van (a genuine highlight!)
• Near the coast
• Easy access to London, Europe and weekend breaks

USA (Ohio)

• $90k WFH job
• Healthcare comes out of my salary
• Groceries feel significantly more expensive
• No office, fully remote
• No family or close friends here (only my husband's family/friends)
• 3-bed detached house with a decent amount of land
• Need to drive everywhere
• About 30 minutes from the nearest beach
• Beautiful Metroparks nearby, which I walk in almost daily

My honest experience after living here is that money disappears much faster than I expected. The higher salary hasn't translated into feeling wealthier once healthcare, groceries, travel and other costs are factored in.
I've travelled around the US (Colorado, North Carolina, New York, Las Vegas, Savannah, Tennessee) and while there are some incredible places and stunning national parks, I often feel like so much of everyday America is built around chain restaurants, retail and driving. The national parks have genuinely been one of the things that have kept me going mentally.
One thing I really appreciate is the healthcare. When you need it, it's been fast, reliable and excellent.
What I've struggled with most is the sense of community. This is obviously just my experience, but interactions often feel friendly yet quite surface-level. People are polite, but I rarely feel those interactions develop into genuine connections. In England, I felt there was more banter, humour and community spirit, and neighbours were more likely to know each other.
Life here also feels much more car-dependent and individualistic. In England I loved being able to spontaneously book weekends away, visit different villages, drive to the coast or jump on a cheap flight to Europe. Here, holidays feel like they require much more planning, time off work and money. Domestic flights are also far more expensive than I'm used to.
At the same time, I'm aware the UK has its own problems right now—cost of living, the NHS, politics and general decline that people often talk about. I do wonder whether living in a village would shield me from some of that, as I genuinely loved my community there.
The hardest part has been family. Since moving I've lost two grandparents and missed both funerals. My parents are getting older, and my nephew now lives just 10 minutes from my old house. That's becoming increasingly difficult emotionally. His family have been VERY UNWELCOMING and want everything their own way. I am merely my husbands wife to them. We don’t see them a lot. They hate me. Think I’m using him and are just mean girl attitude.
I don't hate America at all, and I know experiences vary hugely by state. Ohio may not represent the whole country. There are definitely things I love here, especially the parks, the space and the quality of healthcare. The parks have stopped me from becoming depressed. Every day rolls into one here - I wake up - work - watch tv - sleep - in there big house - big car- I feel like that might suit some people but I can’t help but feel like I want a little more out of life. My husband says most people here are miserable that’s why they aren’t very nice or care about anyone deeply. Christmas in the UK is special, spas, pubs, everywhere is decorated and we get so much time off work. Here you’re lucky to get two days off. I honestly believe some Americans would talk to you in a supermarket, and if you got run over 5 minutes later they’d drive around you - nothing feels genuine here. Us Brit’s bond on humor. They don’t.
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I miss the humour, the sense of belonging, the spontaneity and feeling part of a community.
Has anyone else moved from the UK to the US (or vice versa) and felt this way? Did it get better with time, or did you eventually realise one country simply suited your personality better? I'm really interested in hearing honest experience from people who've lived both lives. I’m running out of time to have children in either country.

Is your husband American and from Ohio?

How long have you lived there?

Yes - 3 years.

Any kids?

Could you afford private health insurance if you moved to the UK?

Has your husband ever lived in the UK, how much has he visited, what’s his view?

How long have you lived in Ohio?

Do you have or plan to have children?

3 years - yes plan to have children very soon.

I think maybe just hang on until the children arrive. It’s really hard infiltrating (wrong word, you know what I mean) an established community as an adult. Children provide a handy “in”.

All your points are valid though. It took me about 15 years to feel fully settled to the point of preferring the USA. BUT - I would never live anywhere than the huge, diverse, manic, walkable metropolis I live in. I can’t bear the suburbs or driving or malls or chain restaurants etc etc, they make me utterly miserable and depressed. I must be the one doing it wrong given how many tens of millions seem to enjoy it just fine. But it is what it is. Are you in Cleveland, at least?

I have only ever lived in the UK, but I imagine that if you have lived in one place abroard for three years, and feel as you have described, then it's unlikely to change.

Three years is a sufficient amount of time to have carved out a social life and to have grown to love where you are, if it was ever going to happen.

I can't imagine feeling no emotional connection and general fondness to where I'm living. Obviously, there must be loads of people who are not fortunate enough to love where they live, perhaps because of financial constraints or family committments, but you clearly have carved out a successful career, so it's not that you can't afford to move, nor do you have strong family ties keeping you there (his family sound dreadful).

If you are planning on having DCs soon, to me, that's another reason to move back. You would surely want to raise any DCs in the UK by the sounds of it.

What does your DH say?

@MichelleRodriguezxx it's not USA vs UK, it's immigration vs home.
I feel the same way about Brits you feel about Americans, or rather, they treat us the same way you are treated in the US. Superficial politeness.

Do you have any religious leanings? Or curiosity? Religion plays a big part in many American lives and provides a social scene.
There is no good answer, where does your husband want to be?

I would be miserable if I lived in Ohio . No brainer to go home . You are gaining nothing of any importance. Would your DH be willing to move to UK. ?

I have not lived in the UK but moved to US from Ireland many years ago. I like living here, have my family here, am very happy. I live in Massachusetts in a place where I can walk everywhere so not sure how I'd feel about living where you do.

What I would say to you is DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN without sorting this out. DO NOT. Sorry to yell but if you have your children in the US and your dh does not want to move to the UK then you are stuck here until your children are grown.

That said, I will say that having children - especially having children in the local school system, really provides a sense of community.

Honestly the homesickness is hard. Missing family events is hard. Missing funerals is awful. Not having your children grow up where you did is hard. Going back for holidays is hard because you use all your vacation days. Carting children with you is hard and expensive. Only you can decide what you want to do. Would your husband ever consider moving to the UK?

But honestly, make up your mind on this before having children. If you want to move back do it now. If you have an agreement with your dh that you will move back before your children start school - well that is not an enforceable agreement. It would be very hard to implement. This is your moment to ask where you would be happiest and how your marriage would work if you refuse to stay in the US. Where you live is incredibly important in your life it is ok to make a decision for yourself - but that is true for you and your dh.

How would your husbands job change between the UK and USA?

I've lived in both places. Are you in the suburbs, OP? Are you near a city?

I wouldn’t have DC in another country due to the high risk of not being able to return to the UK with the DC later on.

I would prefer the Essex life as family and friends are important. However maybe you can make great friends in Ohio.

Suburbs but 30 mins from a city. I don’t think I’d like to live in the city (Cleveland) as they’re are a lot of homeless, drunks hanging around, drugs and guns. Not really safe. So suburban life suits me more but incredibly isolating. I can’t do things like pop and see my mum every Friday which I used to do. You really undervalue these things until they’re gone.

I've lived half my life in each (UK until 30 and then moved to the US where I've worked for 30+ years.) I do remember a point early on after a couple of years where the novelty had worn off and I was looking to go home (I work in quite a niche field so it wasn't a given and I didn't, in the end). Then I got over it and I am very happy here, but the way I see it is that Western North Carolina is my home but London is deep, deep home and always will be, and while I have great friends here, my deepest friendships are back there. I'm lucky enough have enough money and time to go back regularly and for me, that has been crucial. I can't imagine what it would be like to WFH there - that sounds really hard and would make community tricky. Dealing with aging parents (now both deceased) as an only child was really tough. Would I make the same decision to come here again? Yes, I'm pretty sure, because the positives have so much outweighed the negatives and I've had an amazing career here, but I could imagine a scenario where they wouldn't have done. So, FWIW, that's my experience - good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Could not agree more. It’s just culturally very different. I find Brits surface polite but nothing else. And it doesn’t get better (going on 20 plus years now) even with children.

When you have kids you want them to grow up the way you did and thats really hard.

I would also suggest your homesickness has put VERY rose tinted glasses on you.

I lived in the US for six years (also married to an American) not OH, but NJ. A lot of what you wrote in your OP was my experience too. I did make some good friends and felt lucky in doing that, but living where I did Brits were quite common and a lot of the Americans I met were very comfortable with Brits and knew others, which I felt helped. I think we assume that because we speak (kind of) the same language, that we'll have loads in common, but IME that is not the case and I actually find Americans more foreign than many other Europeans. What helped me to integrate and make good friends and get beyond that superficial 'How ARE you?' stage was 1) working and 2) having a baby - those two experiences meant we had stuff in common that broke through the superficial and drilled down to a deeper level.

As to your dilemma - I'm so sorry that your ILs are horrible - that must be awful and really not help your feelings of alienation and misery. Being fully remote too with your work must really not help. How do you meet people if you WFH all the time? I would find that very isolating in a place where I didn't really know anyone. How would your DH feel about moving to the UK? Would his job translate to opportunities here? I honestly wouldn't set much store by all the negativity you read in the press. We Brits are good at putting ourselves down and yes, we do have problems in this country atm, but so does America. And I still choose to live here, in the UK. Where else can you pop over to France for the weekend on the train? But also, you can't replace your friends and family! If you are really unhappy, you've given it a good go and it sounds like your ILs aren't suddenly going to become lovely and welcoming - they sound horrible! If I were you and you can persuade your DH, I'd come back. It's not utopia here, but it's home.

I’ve been to Indiana to visit friends, I think Ohio is similar? I thought it was awful, there is no way I would live there. So perhaps if you lived in a different state you’d feel differently.

Your in-laws sound very unfriendly. Imagine living that unhappy for the rest of your life? Please don’t have children, youlll be stuck there for ever.

Thanks @VeryQuaintIrene for this! How did you find friends in Nc? Is it walkable so more similar to parts of the UK and which part of the UK are you from. I’m a firm believer in there are probably towns in both countries that would better suit anyone’s lifestyle but right now I have to stay in Ohio for hubbys work. I also friend maintaining friendships in the UK is hard - you go from someone they would invite out for coffee/lunch/think about when planning a trip to a “friend in the background” kinda thing and it very quickly fades.. you lose friendships you’ve had for years.

Or maybe it’s a case of because we are “foreigners” in each country nobody really takes a deeper interest to get to know us because we are not like them. What brought you to the uk and which part?

I’m American and I think your description of the U.S. is fairly accurate. It can be idyllic, but you have to build your own piece of paradise.

I strongly advise you make a decision on a permanent country before children. You won’t necessarily be allowed to take them with you if you want to leave.

Husband. Kids are British. We live in the south east. I am here for them and work and have friends but still hate it. There are good things - holiday, travel etc but very annoying things - customer service, poor healthcare, small
houses etc but it will never be home. We will retire across the pond.

I moved back to the U.K., it was simply unaffordable to live in the USA, healthcare was so expensive (his work didn’t cover the whole family and I wasn’t allowed to work) kids activities were crazy expensive, food so expensive and eating out is very expensive too due to adding tax and huge tips