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Legal matters

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Original poster

Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

181 replies

whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 00:53

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 00:55

Sorry about typos. It's late and I'm at a friend's house wondering what the he'll happened.

OP posts:
AridFanjo · 16/04/2023 00:56

This seems absolutely insane. She's still legally a child. Take legal advice and FGS speak to your sibling!

IsolatedWilderness · 16/04/2023 00:56

Not sure of the legality of it. How far is she off 18? At 17, I'm not sure there's much you can do.

IsolatedWilderness · 16/04/2023 00:58

Have you spoken to your DD and family? What kind of family does this without talking to the child's mother?

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2023 01:01

I don't think there is much you can do now. However I would expect to talk to grandparents and sibling to try to get to the bottom of the why before speaking to your child. I think its damage limitation time so you child doesn't end up NC with you, keep the communication line open.

Im so sorry though, it must be absolutely heartbreaking for you.

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:04

17 a few days ago so any discussion with college would have been when she was 16. No email, phone calls or anything.
I'm not surprised by this...like I said I won't share the back story. I need legal advice.

OP posts:
WomanFromTheNorth · 16/04/2023 01:06

Although she is legally still a child, I think practically you are not going to get anywhere by trying to force her to come home. Police/ social services are very unlikely to get involved unless she is at risk of harm in some way - and it doesn't sound like she is. I would be looking to find out why she suddenly wants to move and then try to support her. I understand that this must be upsetting for you but im guessing there must be more to it?

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:08

Grandparents ( mom only) sibling and child not answering their phones.

OP posts:
RobinaHood · 16/04/2023 01:10

The back story may impact the advice. For example, an older teen who left an abusive home is very different from a vulnerable DC struggling with ill health. Are you in the UK? No-one can provide legal advice if they don't know where you are. (I mean some posters will automatically assume you're in England but that doesn't mean they're right and it does mean their legal advice is irrelevant if you're actually somewhere else or if your DC has moved to another country in the UK).

TiaraBoo · 16/04/2023 01:13

Not sure what you can do. My DD is same age and had to apply last year for 6th form/colleges and accept the place without any official parental input (other than verbal discussion). So I’d assume there’s nothing you can do about them applying/taking up a college place or leaving home. I know a couple of people that left home at 17.

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:13

Surely a 16 year old can't apply to move to a college 250 miles away without adult consent? I haven't spoken to anyone at the college since I paid travel cost last September. Any discussion about transferring to a different college would require my consent ( single parent, no father)

OP posts:
Remaker · 16/04/2023 01:16

You say you’re not surprised so then this doesn’t sound like a sudden change of behaviour on their part.

I would be heartbroken but I agree there is little you can do. Forcing a 17 yr old to move back home isn’t going to be successful.

If you trust that they are safe and well cared for then you might just have to accept it and try to mend your relationship which must be damaged in some way if they’ve made this drastic move.

Unless you think they’re being unduly influenced by your family? Even then I don’t know what you can achieve in a practical sense.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2023 01:17

Check with citizens advice on Monday, but I am pretty sure at 17 she can leave home if she wants. Very sorry you are going though this.

TiaraBoo · 16/04/2023 01:17

They probably applied saying they lived locally. I‘m trying to think of what documentation the colleges wanted, but can only think of passport. Not sure if DD had anything to show proof of address (now she has a provisional driving license)

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:19

In the UK. No involvement with Social Services, police, no abuse. Academically very bright. Studies for hours each day. Popular, no eating disorders or health conditions other than the usual teenager stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:23

DD has provisional driving licence ,National insurance number , passport. There is other issues like a trust fund for DD that my late father told me about but sibling had POA and nothing disclosed to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:24

Remaker · 16/04/2023 01:16

You say you’re not surprised so then this doesn’t sound like a sudden change of behaviour on their part.

I would be heartbroken but I agree there is little you can do. Forcing a 17 yr old to move back home isn’t going to be successful.

If you trust that they are safe and well cared for then you might just have to accept it and try to mend your relationship which must be damaged in some way if they’ve made this drastic move.

Unless you think they’re being unduly influenced by your family? Even then I don’t know what you can achieve in a practical sense.

Yes definitely.

OP posts:
KittyAlfred · 16/04/2023 01:29

Sadly I don’t think there’s much you can do unless you have evidence that she is being abused.
A friend of mine’s daughter moved in with her boyfriend and his family at age just 17. Boyfriend’s parents changed her GP, dentist, and communicated with school, also moved house and wouldn’t tell my friend where they were living. Friend contacted police but after they’d checked the daughter wasn’t being held against her will, they said there was nothing they could do.

RobinaHood · 16/04/2023 01:29

iirc college wouldn't need to disclose any transfer request, course changes or applications to you. Colleges aren't schools.
If you thought your DC was at risk or being groomed then you could speak to student support/safeguarding at the college. However, if it's simply the case that your relationship with them is volatile and they have happily moved away then the best advice would be to try to slowly rebuild your relationship with them. Being heavy-handed would be likely to cause them to dig their heels in.

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:35

She's not in any danger. Sibling and ilaw will
She was attending a sixth form college BTW.
16 when plans were made for her to move colleges.

Can't believe I wasn't consulted.

OP posts:
RobinaHood · 16/04/2023 01:42

If she's not in danger or at risk, then you're focusing on the wrong issue. It's not about legality. It's about taking a long hard look at how and why your relationship has broken down so badly, and then taking steps to mend it.

Dyslexicwonder · 16/04/2023 01:45

whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:08

Grandparents ( mom only) sibling and child not answering their phones.

Well ot is 1am unless you are not in the UK so not that surprising really.

Original poster
whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:53

I'm in the UK and unable to sleep due to worry.
These people are extremely controlling. Their kids are slightly older than mine but have left home.

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 16/04/2023 01:57

KittyAlfred · 16/04/2023 01:29

Sadly I don’t think there’s much you can do unless you have evidence that she is being abused.
A friend of mine’s daughter moved in with her boyfriend and his family at age just 17. Boyfriend’s parents changed her GP, dentist, and communicated with school, also moved house and wouldn’t tell my friend where they were living. Friend contacted police but after they’d checked the daughter wasn’t being held against her will, they said there was nothing they could do.

I did the same at 17. But at least boyfriend's parents didn't set me a 10pm curfew on the weekends. I changed my own doctor, etc. But I'd already taken care of all those things earlier, as I was expected to be very independent, and so was. It's not necessarily a bad thing. If kids are raised to be independent, expect them to be. Been married to that boyfriend for decades now.

IsolatedWilderness · 16/04/2023 01:59

whattheactualfcukhashappened · 16/04/2023 01:53

I'm in the UK and unable to sleep due to worry.
These people are extremely controlling. Their kids are slightly older than mine but have left home.

As you are sure she isn't in any danger, I think you need to focus on the long game here. Why has she gone there? What does she gain? It doesn't mean it's reasonable of her or you need to match or better it, but something has attracted her. Maybe you should focus on the big picture of your relationship in the long term rather than where she is living right now?