Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

[whattheactualfcukhashappened]

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

She's planned to leave home for a reason. OP I think you should be honest about what that might be. Then you need to start addressing that to rebuild your relationship with her. Do it calmly

But honestly, I left home to go to Uni at 17 (in Scotland). I knew my mind then and was very keen to move out (due to being in a very boring small village in rural Scotland, not family issues). I phoned home once a week and it was all fine. I'm still very independent but have a good family relationship

You need to accept her for who she is now. She's given you a very power message here

How are you feeling this morning OP?

This must be heartbreaking, whatever has / hasn't happened to trigger it

I'd proceed slowly, if I were you. You know she's safe, you know you can't make her come home. Leave it alone a few days then send a warm text that doesn't put any pressure on her

I'd not contact the rest of your family

Op, unfortunately this has appeared in the "trending" list. You've posted in Legal Matters, not general chat so that's really not helpful.
I hope someone comes on who can give you the advice you've asked for soon.

Even if legally you could somehow make her come home, it will take months going through the courts. She will resent you for it, maybe come home for a few months and leave once she’s 18. And to be honest I doubt any court will make a 17yo return home against their will. You’d be better off being supportive, telling her you love her, that you’ll always be there for her, etc.

@friendsinplaces I’ve already posted what Childline say is the legal position and others have already commented on what they believe the legal position to be.

You need to accept this as a healthy and happy move by your daughter because she is legally able to do this.
To fight it will affect your relationship with her.
You are surprised and you should express your shock to her, however, you need to think of the big picture.

Will she have access to better opportunities for tertiary studies?
Always leave an open door for her to come and visit and stay etc.
You go down and take her out for lunch.
Admire her new school.
Be proud of her decision and of her achievements.
Thank your sibling for offering the care.
Keep contact and keep it sweet; play the long game..

In five years your daughter will have total control over when she sees you and how involved you can be in her future so play it cool anf reap the rewards of a happy relationship with your daughter.

Both of my children have managed college changes in the UK without my input (not without my knowledge, I was encouraging them to be independent). One of them was 16 at the time. I had no communication from either college throughout the process. They treat them like independent adults once they get to sixth form. If there are any problems, then I get copied on emails. One of the sixth forms is part of a school and one an independent college...neither involved me. So I don't think it's unusual for you not to be consulted.

Friend of a friends Dd has moved in with her grandmother and cut off her mother she’s 14. Very upsetting. The mother has had to make her peace with it. There’s nothing she can do. If the child is Gillick competent, living somewhere safe, and the other adults are appropriate and prepared to look after her legally there’s not much you can do.

Legally there is nothing you can do about as she was 16.

It sounds like a backstory is important here. Did she feel unsafe at your home? Is your relationship unhealthy?

Is she safe and will be looked after your family?

It must be difficult for you, but unless you can give a backstory it's difficult to say if her decision to leave was reasonable or not.

Legally there is nothing you can do.

What would you hope to get from a all action? What outcome are you looking for?

Op I am sorry this has happened.

It may be shock, but you seem to focused on wether someone should have told you this was happening. I assume you mean the college. And no, they didn’t need to. My dd moved colleges. I knew but she handled it all and I was never consulted.

However, she could have still just gone. Left and emailed the college after she left.

Do you know 100% that’s where she is? Did your dd live with you before? It’s very unusual for a parent to find out their teenager is visiting family a bus ride away, out of the blue by text. Was it a very last minute decision. As in we’re they out somewhere and text to say they were going there instead of coming home as planned.

In most households there would be a couple of normal conversations ‘I want to go visit Aunty and uncle, I am think of going Friday’ and the parent saying ‘oh ok, when you going when will you be back. Are you ok getting there’

I do know a family where this happened. The teenage child moved in with an Aunt. The parents story was about how the Aunt had manipulated the teenager. In reality the parents (separated) both had chaotic lifestyles. The Aunt was more stable and the teenager went to them for support. The Aunt had the resources to support them and so did.

Not saying that is the case here. But you may need to do some soul searching and not just assume the teenager has been manipulated or are doing it because they are wealthy. There’s often further reasons at play.

In reality, in usual circumstance, your daughter will be leaving home imminently to go to university and then would only see you if they chose to do so. They are not possessions! All parents have to allow their kids to be unfettered and just accept their role to provide guidance only. As many people have said, focus on building a sustainable relationship and not seeking to be your 17 year old offspring’s gaoler. From now on, your relationship relies on friendship. If your daughter has been seated by money or a better living environment, eventually she will realise that is superficial and will want to reignite things with you as long as you don’t relentlessly pursue her.

Swayed not seated

Given her age there's little you can do.

Concentrate on developing a good relationship with her. Make sure she knows she's always welcome to come home. You will always be mum, even if she feels she needs to be somewhere else right now.

I would have allowed a relative to stay with me if they asked. Perhaps to help them access a more exciting environment- access to specialist music/dance lessons, museums or whatever.

I would have liked to live elsewhere at that age. I was studious and well behaved. Mum was explosive and domineering. Other people's families seemed so warm and loving in comparison.

I am sorry this has hurt you, but all you can do is build bridges with your DC.

@JennyMule Has summed it up well OP. Please make sure you see that one - you wanted legal advice.

Maybe it would be better if you could reframe it in your mind op.

Isn't it better that she has gone to live with a relative and made plans to carry on her education, rather than ended up in an unsafe environment such as on the streets or in a hostel of some kind?

I left home at 16 and made a series of shitty decisions because I had nowhere to go. It has taken me the rest of my life to put myself on an even keel. It took me til my 40s to get the education I missed out on, for example.

She's been really mature and sensible in organising to transfer college and she would be off to university in just over a year anyway, and if not off to uni then living an adult life where you would have no control over her at all.

She can leave home at 16. I’m not sure there’s anything you can do except keep lines of communication open, and tell her she can come back if she wants/needs.

There has to be a big backstory here, but you’re not going to get the advice you might need if you don’t say what’s actually going on here.

As for legal advice, it’s very simple:

Legally there is absolutely nothing you can, or I would advise, you to do. At 16 and older, the only way your daughter would be removed from where she chooses to be is if she was in danger. Which she is not. There is precisely fuck all you can do.
You may now not be entitled to any benefits associated with your child ie, child benefit, as a non resident parent, so be careful there. You will also likely still be responsible for maintaining your daughter until she leaves full time secondary education, so you will still be on the hook for money. You may think this unfair, but that’s the rules.

The best way ahead is to build bridges, listen to your daughter, try to mend whatever the hell has gone on, think about your part in all of this, stop blaming everyone else.

By your insistence that your daughter shouldn’t be able to do this, and your desire for advice on the legality of her decision, it sounds like you may be quite controlling. I suspect the back story you don’t wish to share will confirm this. As a PP commented, now is time for reflection on your relationship with your daughter and what you can do to rebuild it. You may be disappointed in her decision however she is not a child. It’s ok to tell her you wish she had spoken to you but you need to put up, shut up and thank your relatives for supporting her during this difficult time.

Fine if you don't want to share details, but without a back story it's difficult to comment. We don't know but chances are at least some of the issues prompting this lie with you - rather than your dd and the 4 other adults who have facilitated this move.

I'm so sorry OP, wtf. You should have been involved by the original and new college so I'd start asking there.

Your family dynamics sound hugely off.

I hope the new college is a good one and your DC will be safe there With your sibling abd partner.

Hope you get to the bottom of it x

I'm so sorry OP, wtf. You should have been involved by the original and new college so I'd start asking there.

This is legally incorrect.

I am so desperately sorry to hear this OP. My son did this when he was 16, but to his dads. His stepmother picked him up and they drove off into the sunset together with no warning and me feeling totally and utterly bereft. His dad had only ever been a 'Sunday dad'.
There was no abuse, no unhappiness etc, but his dad represented total freedom to him. He was allowed to do what he wanted, when he wanted, go where he wanted, drink etc etc. I had some totally fair boundaries.

I have 2 other teenagers (who belong to me and my husband) and they've honestly never forgiven my son for what he did. When he left, he went off like an abusive husband does - called me controlling etc etc. He made me question literally everything about myself.

I probably didn't deal with it very well - I sunk into a massive depression, and sent my son too many heartbroken text messages which he screenshot to share with his dad and his dad's family about how awful I was.

Anyway, 3 years on, things have much improved. My son has had a lot of problems with his dad and his very uncaring nature - he's realised all that freedom comes with a price! He still comes to me for any nurture, any advice and all the love. He's about to go off travelling.

To everyone replying, there genuinely isn't always a reason other than a teenager being tempted by more freedom etc etc. When they have an option at that age, life my son did with going to his dads, they'll often take it.

OP, I'm so sorry. I looked into this legally too and sadly at age 16, they can live where they want

Wishing you lots of healing and love.

Ps. Another part of this is feeling totally humiliated and mortified isn't it? All my son's life I fought (privately) for his dad to step up and do the right things with him - take him on holidays, see him more than just a Sunday, support him with school work etc. He didn't do a thing, that was all me and my husband.
My ex really enjoyed what happened and felt totally vindicated and smug that's son had chosen him...