Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

[whattheactualfcukhashappened]

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

What kind of relationship do you have with you sibling? DS would never have considered a move like this without discussing with me because he knows my siblings wouldn’t organise it behind my back. He knows he’s welcome at their homes and he’s very close to them, but if something like this was even suggested they wouldn’t entertain it without being 100% sure I was on board. If it was what he really wanted I wouldn’t have stopped him (even though my siblings are hundreds of miles away too), but I’d be very very hurt if this was all organised without me. The relationship with my sibling would never be the same again either.

Do be aware that in terms of student loans for university it might still be assessed on your income. I think it is three years if she wants to claim parental allienation

At 17 you just have to accept this unless you think she is in danger. Honestly I'd back off for a bit but try and keep the lines of communication open. Really she will be leaving them to go off to uni in a year or two. If she is doing well and would be happier living there then you have to respect her decision. At 17 she can choose to leave, being 16 when it was planned doesn't mean anything.

What others have said concerning backstory.

the fact that the OP is basically posting about injuncting her almost-adult DD to keep her at home, may speak directly to why she has left.

Let her go. Support her, be there for her, out your hurt feelings aside. It’s not about you, she is living her life and she is doing what she wants to do. She will come back in her own good time.

She is telling you she wants to make her own decisions. Of course it will hurt but if you give her unconditional support and love she will be back.

I remember being a teen and feeling stuck and helpless. Let her have some power. Don’t make this into a drama about your feelings.

My friend's son completely cut her off aged 14, he lived with relatives and she forced him back. Aged 16 he is NC, she doesn't understand but as others have said from the outside I can fully see why he had to get away.

Back story is huge, but if you don't want to share then I think the only advice you can take is be there, be positive, keep contact open. If your family are coercive then she will work it out eventually and you need to be there for her. It may help your relationship long term.

Wait until you sibling and family get fed up with her..😈

I guess it's a clumsy attempt to fly the nest. I find it odd that your sibling hadn't got in touch directly. They are not after her trust find are they?

I went off traveling at 17 and flew the nest after that. I didn't enjoy my home life so it was a bid for freedom. Best to just support from afar (and enjoy the peace and quiet??)

Your young person is 17
why are u more concerned about legal matters ,it’s clearly what she wants ,she had ample time to tell u ,but chose not to.
the fact she texted the information rather than chose to discuss it with u says she was fearful of your reaction
if all was well in your home life ,she would not of done this ,or at least would of been able to discuss it with u .
police will do nothing,(rightly so,)other than check she is happy and safe

To me, we bring our children up so they can launch into the world and become capable adults. She is launching. Don’t be a weight around her neck, be the cushion in case she comes back down to Earth.

That’s my feeling too. Happy kids that young don’t just flee without good reason. Maybe mum is too suffocating.

I’m sorry I would be devastated about this happening but realistically I don’t think there is anything you can do. They’re 17. Rather than trying to drag them home I would try to build up lines of communication, to start to mend your relationship.

i hope someone can give you legal advice. Just to say though my two are 16 and 17. Daughter went to college last year and son has applied and been accepted at college this year and I’ve not signed anything. I did get a request to set up a parent portal account but that’s it.

Agree with this. She's obviously a very capable young person and has made a very clear choice. Time to reflect on that rather than getting legal advice.

Even if you could force her back using the law (which you can’t btw) then what? She doesn’t want to be there. You can’t force her to be a happy compliant nearly adult who behaves as you would like her to. That’s not how life works.

I've a 17yo (nearly 18 now), a very independent and sensible young man, and things would have to be very very wrong for him to do something like this. I also have first-hand experience of the kind of parenting that I think is behind this. It's very noticeable that you seem to think the background to things having got this bad is irrelevant and are effectively only interested in how you can compel her back with you. I think you need to do some reflecting on the post that pointed out that children aren't possessions.

Why do you call your daughter the child?

So a 16 year can choose to live where they want and social services or police or anyone will be very unlikely to do anything unless there were very clear safeguarding issues (and even then if the child chose to stay it’s very hard to remove them). I have some experience of this.

It sounds heartbreaking and clearly your sibling should have discussed this with you. I’d be furious.

Now though the best thing you can do is not to be the caricature they may have painted you to be.

1. Get a counsellor and rant and rave to them. 2)Tell them you will miss them terribly but you only want them to be happy. Let the new college know that you are their legal parent, briefly and without drama. Send regular care packages and visit as much as you are able. Invite them home regularly even if they never take you up on it.
2. wait and wait and keep on loving.

There is other issues like a trust fund for DD that my late father told me about but sibling had POA and nothing disclosed to me.

Do you think your sibling is manipulating things for financial reasons if DD is going to or has inherited?

I haven't read the full thread. However, the basics are that, once a child reaches the age of 16, they can choose where they want to live and make their own choices regarding their education. The courts will not interfere. If there are safety concerns, you need to talk to the police or social services. But otherwise, I'm afraid you are going to have to accept your daughter's decision.

I think you need to let it go and focus on fixing your relationship with your child before it's too late.

As PP have explained, legally there is nothing you can do.

Practically, you may find your relationship with your daughter improves now you don’t live together, and I would focus on that.

Maybe write to her saying you are sad (not angry or disappointed) she has made this decision, but you respect it, and love her very much.

I can’t help wondering if she has a bloody good reason to make this huge change, but I don’t think we are going to hear her side of the story.

I feel really sad that some people are being so cruel to the OP. As I said, this happened to me and the only reason for it was that my son had turned into your typical rebellious teenage boy and his dad who has never given any fucks about him, allowed all that with no question. That's why my son went.
He's learnt very quickly that freedom due to a parent like that comes at a price. Let me just say that 3 years later, he spends more time at ours and seeks us out for the love and care that he lacks at his dads.

He is still there as he had a job local to his dad's house and is about to go off travelling.
I remember posting, equally devastated and got some instant comments that he must have left for a reason. Yep, so he could smoke weed, drink and be out all night at 16 years old without his dad either noticing or caring...

Why would you think this?

I know you don’t want to disclose the back story which is of course your right- but something has provoked this and unpicking that is key to getting your daughter home.