Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

[whattheactualfcukhashappened]

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

But that is your situation! Some people have very manipulative siblings, who would love nothing more than to take the child, lovebomb I it and alienate it from their parents.

Why did your father give your sister POA for your DD's trust fund?
There is definitely lots more to this, but whatever that is I hope your DD is OK.

OP your attitude is bizarre.

This is such a shocking thing to happen but you aren't racking your brains trying to work out why she would do this, clearly there is significant backstory with dd and the rest of your family that explains this.

You keep going on about the legal aspect which is ridiculous. There are only 2 possibilities here:

1. It is perfectly legal
2. It isn't legal. So what? You force her to come home against her will? Why on earth would you do that?

Perhaps you should focus on how you can rebuild some sort of relationship with dd rather than alienating her even further.

Do you know why she doesn't want to live with you?

Legally there is nothing you can do unfortunately.

She left for a reason, without a backstory we can't know why. It could be anything from she has better future options at the college and city she has moved to, to she is wanting to be more independent and spread her wings and you weren't allowing her to do that.
I left at 17, my mother would tell you she couldn't understand why, because she was an exemplary mother, in reality, she was suffocating,

I don’t know about the legal side but I do know that teens will try pull the more you push.

There is a reason she wants to move away and not tell you.
Not many teens run away from home and live elsewhere.
Your main job right now is finding out why that is.

You need to act supportive and just say how upset you feel that she felt she couldn’t have spoken to you about this first but that you support her decision.

Your priority is maintaining a good relationship with your DD and being the person she can come to for advice without judgement.

Message your sibling and say you are hurt that you weren’t informed but if this is what DD wants then you are supportive of that and that you appreciate letting her live there.

Being 16 about to turn 17 would make absolutely no difference on any of this - other than driving. Medical responsibility 16, financial responsibility 18. Doesn't matter if you are + 1 day or 1 day off the next age bracket.

What I find very surprising is that DD has been able to transfer for Term 3 in Y12 - that is highly unusual. Even if she's taking the same subjects with the same exam board there's a huge possibility of syllabus being delivered in a different order so repeat or gaps. I wonder what she's told them for this to be accepted - generally speaking it's a massive no. Is there a chance she's restarting Y12 in September?

I would contact both the old and new college even if they can’t give you any info just so they were fully aware of the circumstances and that this has been planned without your knowledge and with no input from you. I would say you are concerned for your daughter’s wellbeing if that is the case.

The backstory is going to greatly change how this is viewed, my first thought is this is awful but if you and your daughter weren’t getting on, or if there is a stepdad she doesn’t get on with it makes it more understandable.

You say your relatives aren’t answering their phones, can you go to their houses? If you genuinely don’t know what is going on and have no inclination as to why your daughter has gone out of the blue then I would want to see her and make sure she is ok. When does she get access to the Trust Fund? Could it be related to that? Can you request a copy of the Will?

Obviously you haven't told us the dynamics but I sounds like the child already doesn't live with you since they are telling you everything via text?

If I were you, I would just tell the child that I am sorry they are going and will miss them very much. If they want to come back home they would be welcome with open arms. And ask if you can come visit regularly. There's no point talking about legalities. They are 17 and pretty much an adult or very soon will be.

OP, I hope you can read the posts and realise that this is highly unusual and very hard to understand without context.

Do you have any issues that mean it is hard for you to understand what is happening and why your DD has left? Do you think you could find some objective support in real life to unpick this rather than use all your energy on what could be a possibly even more damaging legal process?

As others have said, legally young people can leave home and make their own decisions about education from 16.

However, in most school and college settings, they would want you to be involved if possible. I think it would be worth contacting the college and explaining the situation to them. In most cases, they would then keep you in the loop at least until your child was 18 (unless they felt they had a good reason not to).

I think a lot does depend on the back story here.

Sorry for not replying to messages earlier. Stayed with a good friend and my phone died on me as I hadn't brought my charger with me.
Didn't sleep a wink...physically sick at what has happened.
For context I work, poorly paid but enough to pay the bills.
Inheritance money invested wisely and essential repairs have been made to my very modest home.
DD lavished with gifts and holidays etc by sibling. Things I could never in my wildest dreams afford at the time.
My DM always covertly controlling...I was the black sheep but that term was never openly used by her.
I really don't want to out myself.
No step parent in her life , just herself and me in our home.
My DM and I have an uncomfortable relationship...she's in my opinion a sycophant, I've always known this and have always felt judged by her.
I'm not going to force DD to come home, that would make matters worse as she's halfway through A levels.
Like I mentioned before, she's extremely bright and was in a great college and was very happy there. She made some really good friends and was thriving.
My sibling and their spouse are always of the opinion that they can do everything better and rubbish any attempts to support my daughter on the very rare occasions I see them.

I'm just going to add that teenage years can be extremely difficult for some.
There may be a back story, that doesn’t directly involve the OP. That the OP is unaware of. Not all teenagers are open with their parents about everything in their lives. No matter how supportive you are as a parent, issues can arise that the teen decides to deal with by excluding you. There may be complex issues here, and not everything is black and white.

My advice is that your relationship with your child must always remain open and non judgmental for you to progress it. Protect your child from no a distance, give them space, always be available and try to build back.

This is hard. I suspect all you can do is remind daughter you love her and are always there for her.

I presume there is a back story as it doesn’t appear to make sense that the two of you live alone together but she text you on Mothering Sunday to say she was going (was already at?) to grandparents for the weekend. I’d say that’s quite a symbolic date and there might be some problem between you? Possibly it’s alienation encouraged by your family but it’s not clear. I think legally there is t a lot you can do, unless there’s something criminal going on

I might add that any conversations/ texts received when staying with DM or sibling have been very "wooden" ie not like our normal daily texts . This has being going on for about a year.
My DM is I believe a narcissistic cowbag who has cut so many people out of her life because they don't fit her image ( think "But we took you to country homes".
I'm just so bloody heartbroken.
Had many fall out with friends after my mother would contact them to bitch about me.
Thankfully when the dust had settled they were able to confide that they were ashamed and embarrassed that they had been coerced.

My DC had to apply for their college places - obviously I knew but it's not required any input from me - though we did then have p/t meetings in second year post covid.

I think your best bet is to be supportive from a distance - and fail to live up to any badmouthing that may have been done behind the scenes.

As I recall my DC had to register / apply for college at 16 themselves. Dont think we had to confirm anything. So I believe its legal.

If your 16+ age daughter has chosen to do this and she is safe with your relations - you won't be able to do anything with the law.

The main thing to think about is how you are going to preserve your relationship with her despite the interferance of your mother and siblings.

However hurt you are:
Burn no boats.

Don't make her staying there something that seems to divide her from your love. Tell her that you miss her and would much prefer her to be with you... but 'give' her freedom to choose and your blessing to be happy. Treat her like the adult she thinks she is.

These are the things that will give her a doorway to return to you if (when?) things don't work out in her new heaven.

You got away - she will too.

OP,

I can't imagine your upset and devastation that they have effectively bought your child.

She is still a child and it could take several years for her to recognise the manipulation and coercive behaviour that she is being subjected to.

There is absolutely nothing you can do.

She is a teen having money thrown at her.

It is that simple and it is appealing.

I have knowledge of something similar involving a marriage some years ago.

You need to box up your emotions, swallow your grief, and box clever.

Of course you can express surprise, BUT you understand that if this is what she wants to give her the best A levels etc, then you wish her the very best.

They have money and they want to hurt you.

You can't win.

What you can do is not add to their alienation of her from you.

Don't let them see your devastation.

If she is more like them than you, then she may well be bought permanently.

But if she is a good person, then hopefully she will mature and restart a relationship with you.

I am so sorry for you.

Can't help thinking this money related on dd's part if the new household is wealthy.

POA for Will. I will search for trust fund online if possible. I don't have DDs national insurance number as she's taken all documents to new residence.
Sibling has nothing to gain from this financially. Its a power game for them.

It sounds like your daughter has made her mind up- presumably she was unhappy at her college and the new one may be better..? Will she gain better A level results..?
As heartbreaking as it is, if it will offer her a better future, it may be good for the next year.
It does not mean your relationship can’t recover , hopefully it will just be a short time…?
For whatever reason, she has decided to leave and you may have to let her go… like others have said, try to focus on repairing your relationship with her in time.

with regards to not being consulted by your sibling, that is another matter altogether and I can understand why you’re livid! That would be harder to forgive but of course I don’t know what the full backstory is - we’re you already estranged or not seeing eye to eye on things?

Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me.

It's so hard as I know bringing her back home would cause even more harm to my amazing DD.
I've always told her to be aware of wolves in sheep's clothing .
Never dissuaded her from visiting or holidaying with them.