Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

[whattheactualfcukhashappened]

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

That sounds like it was a difficult time for you but the OP has deliberately left out the context so people are suggesting all sorts of possible scenarios. I think the fact that the OPs first thought is to get legal advice rather than to address any possible issues in the relationship has led to the suggestion of there being a "reason" why her child has moved away.

This. I moved 10000 miles to live with relatives at the same age.

When you say ‘these people’ do you mean your sibling and their partner? It doesn’t sound like you get on? You say they’re very controlling but she is not in any danger. I honestly think my main concern would be why she wants to distance herself from her mother. Obviously there’s back story we’re not privy to but I suspect the answer may be in there somewhere?

I agree, it does sometimes happen without the resident parent doing anything wrong as such.

But that’s much rarer, in my experience. And to the teenager, it’s not for no reason.

Long heart broken texts to the teenager, suggests there may have been some codependency on the part of the parent in all honesty. Maybe the parent was so strict, that brought out a rebellion.

To the teenager at the time these things are very real and very difficult for a parent to navigate.

But ignoring the fact that these things are real to the teenager and focussing on the parents right to know they processed a move of college, prioritising how awful the people the teenager has gone to, propitiating the feelings of the parent and not self reflecting and not focusing on the teenager is not going to resolve it. And does suggest all may not be as well as the parent thinks they are.

But it is only a suggestion. Op may self reflect and genuinely feel they did nothing wrong. They may not have done. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth discussing.

I have an adult dd. If she has text me and said she was going to my brother, completely out of the blue I would have been concerned and wanted a further gentle discussion. Op had no issue with that, so it maybe something that happened a lot. It would raise a red flag for me. But I would have asked if they were ok, confirmed that’s where they were and allowed some space. If she stayed, my focus wouldn’t have been on what I believe my rights are. That in itself is a red flag.

You've had a shock but many people have answered you.
Morally if you attempt to force her legally to come back (and I say attempt as you will not be able to do this) you will damage your relationship with your DD further. Why would you risk this? Are you desperate to 'win' over your sibling?! Do you want to control your DD? Because the insistence that you want to use legal means suggests these, in which case, all sympathies will be with your DD.

She is 16 so can do what she wants 😏

Over 16

Although she can legally do what she wants at 16

My best advice would be to let your dd know you love her unconditionally and that she is welcome home any time. Try to keep the methods of communication open, try not to be angry towards her.

Hopefully she will come back to you at some point but I think you have to let her go, she's made her choice.

It's my understanding that at 16 a child can choose to leave home, and, unless they are at risk, you can't do anything to force them to return home.

https://www.lawble.co.uk/16-year-old-rights-against-parents/

I was thinking the same. I'm in Scotland and left home at 17 to go to uni. It's really common to leave home at 17 to pursue further education.

Not stupid at all. It is the same in England. Although OP's daughter is still legally a child, as she has reached the age of 16, she can decide where she wants to live and make her own decisions regarding education.

A 17 year old teenage girl? Let’s just say I wouldn’t live with one under the same roof. The only adults that can tolerate teenagers on a long-term and daily basis are their own parents 😆

it sounds harsh but you don’t need to be consulted about a change in school, your child is old enough to decide.

it sounds like these plans were made in secret and intentionally only presented to you when it was a fait accompli.

if there are learning difficulties, mental health problems, abuse of some sort (e.g. coercive control over the child), etc. then you can get safeguarding/social services involved to address those issues.

it seems like this is more likely a control issue, you didn’t want this to happen, some family members have helped the child against your wishes, and now the move has been made.

as other people have said, try to work on the relationship aspect, this is where it would seem that you will have more luck.

I changed colleges at 16 without telling my parents. They only found out when the 1st college called the house to see why I wasn’t attending classes. I’d forgotten to let them know I’d dropped out.

It all sounds very strange with regards to your dd just texting you she’s off visiting relatives on key family dates and no face to face discussion with you, so not sure if this doing things without tell is that shocking as there is obviously a strange dynamic going on with communication here.

Legally at 16 your dd can move out, she can change colleges, quit college and get a job. College doesn't have to inform you, your dd doesn't need your permission.

The undisclosed back story is what is relevant here as far as advice, because at face value there's nothing you can do. Things to think about which may change this are were / is there coercion, has she been lied to to make this decision? Is she considered vulnerable, as in more than a typical child oh 17? If no coercion social services and the police will not be interested, it is in their eyes a family issue of which there's thousands at any given time.

I was living independently at sixteen so she can absolutely move away from you at that age without consent.

I'm not suggesting that it's a good idea by any means, but I don't think there's a lot you can do to stop her.

Do you generally have a good relationship?

My DN did the same at 16. Her parents had a horrible marriage, her father was abusive to her mother throughout. Mother always said she’d leave when the youngest was 16, think DN had heard this most of her life.
She enrolled at a local college then went to live with a relative , but only about 50-60 miles away. Transferred to a local college. Not sure what she lived on , possibly a p/t job, she’d had one from 14.
I think in law a 16 year old can choose where to live and a court or SS would only intervene if the young person was in danger of exploitation.
It might work better to regard your dd as an adult. That’s fine, visit for a weekend when we’re both free. Breezing it out is probably the way to go.

The focus on exerting authority by going to court rather than trying to understand why this happened and to rebuild the relationship is quite telling…

@RobinaHood I agree with this. Sympathise with you, must be awful, but it's very unusual for this to happen and I can't help wondering if there may be valid reasons for your daughter taking these drastic steps

Afraid they can.

You could just be proud of her that she’s made sensible plans for herself and carried them out. Probably didn’t tell you because you’d give her grief instead of support.

just let her know she’s welcome home any time.

if you can afford it send her some pocket money, goes a long way towards showing you care instead of just annoyed

What do you think the reason is? If it's to get away from you then that's very different to her wanting to go and live somewhere else she prefers. Iyswim For example, does your relative live in an amazing city

Might there be some reason she wants to leave her current college that you are unaware of?

( sorry if you've already covered this)

Objectively, what is the best thing for your child? Imagine someone external who knows all the details but isn't involved - where would they think it's best for your child to be?

I think you haven't considered that question (at least in your posts) - it's the question that social services would consider. Your post is mostly about resentment against your sibling and how you should have been consulted.

Your story has really moved me because I can imagine being in this position if my sister had ever had kids. I'm sure she'd be a very loving and affectionate mother, but her MH/complex needs means that for a long while she never had a job, and she's been sectioned before, and she's (in the past at least) been very emotionally unstable and prone to lashing out. You say you're financially stable due to an inheritance; I'm doing 2+2=5 I know, but I wonder if, like my sister, you haven't been able to work, and the reasons behind that might also affect your home life too. My sister goes thru feast and famine periods, both with money and with her mood, and that's hard for others to live with.

By comparison my sister has (I think) always seen me and my husband as ever so rich (we only are in comparison to her, as we have two incomes) and painfully conventional etc etc, and she'd never understand why people would prefer to live like I do, on an even keel.

I'm not saying you're like my sister necessarily, you haven't given us enough info obvs! I'm just telling the story of my family and saying that I can possibly see your sibling's POV.

@Lostinwales77 I don't doubt your story. And I agree that sometimes, a child's head is turned eg by non resident parent. But, OP is choosing not to share back story, so I suspect their relationship with their DD was more difficult than OP is admitting on here

In England a 16yo can legally leave home. As long as she is safe, police will not help you with this, you need to speak gently and openly with your child to try to work through the problems you have. While you are reluctant to give a back story, what is clear is that your relationship with your child is currently broken down and you need to gently work on that.