Child announced they are changing schools and moving to love with wealthy relatives 250 miles away.

[whattheactualfcukhashappened]

Child has turned 17 recently. Text on mother's day to say they were going to grandparents for weekend. Fair enough a bus ride away.
Fast forward they are staying with my sibling and their partner for Easter.
Text to say they are going to live there, 250 miles from where we live and have secured a place at college to complete A levels.
My sibling and their partner are extremely well off whereas I'm financially secure following an inheritance.
According to my child she organised the change of colleges with her previous collage and a plan was put in place to enable the transition.
This news was told to me yesterday.
Child was 16 when she last attended her college.
I'm not going to go into too much detail about the family dynamics, I just need advice.
I wasn't consulted about this change of circumstances by their college, sibling or indeed my own child.
Surely this arrangement can't be put into place without my consent?
Is it even legal?
I'm heartbroken but like I said, I won't try to drip feed or cloud judgment by adding personal details.

I’m really sorry.

What would happen if you sent a text saying you are sad but supportive and would love to catch up next weekend? Just to your child. If your parents are controlling and weird your child will work that out for themselves very quickly.

It sounds like there is backstory you hint at which has caused this - a romantic partner, trans, mental health issues, sexuality or similar? Has your relationship with the DC broken down?

Your daughter is at least showing maturity and being sensible putting a plan in place to finish school. That's a good thing.

Legally at 17 they don't need your consent to sign up to college, many 17 year olds live independently with no parental input. I would focus less on trying to undo what has been done via legal input and more on repairing your relationship with your DD.

At 17 you should focus on how to support them to chase their dreams and love them a lot. Going against this plan will only hurt your relationship, you need to let them go and reassure them that they can always count on you.

I think the back story makes a big difference here. I left home at 17 because it was healthier.

Your daughter is 17, and quite capable of making her own decisions however if you think she has been criminally cohersred, you need to raise a safeguarding cncern with Social Services. If the best you have is that she has been persuaded that's not enough. At 17 she will be deemed as quite capable of making decisions regards her education and living arrangements.
You don't want to disclose your story but I am going to assume there's a reason you were not made a trustee for your child's inheritance.

What outcome are you looking for and how realistic is this? I'm assuming your daughter with be coming up to exam time. Whatever your plans, ensure you do your best to reduce stress for her at this critical period and give her the best opportunity to succeed.

Will she be at risk of something bad happening that will permanently affect her, if she goes? If the answer to that is yes, then I might consider a legal challenge.

Otherwise, if she’s simply attracted by their money, or by not having to go to bed when you tell her (or whatever) then I think you have to let her go. If you have a good enough relationship with her, she’ll come back.

I think the backstory here would be very revealing and would make a huge difference to how I would answer your question as the answer mostly hangs on whether the problem lies with your parenting or on some undue influence she’s come under.

Probably going to sound stupid- but in Scotland you can move out and be independent at 16, is that not the same in England? I would have thought a 16.17 year old can pretty much make any decision they want independently? Or is English law different?

If you try to force her back home with you, the chances are you will ruin the relationship you have with her which already sounds fragile if shes done this entirely behind your back... and if the people she has chosen to live with are controlling and that concerns you, the last thing you want to do is cut off an escape route, should she need one.

The time it would take to force her back to you, if it could be done at all, she'd be 18 by then anyway, so free to do as she chooses completely and then feeling like she absolutely doesn't trust you at all.

Its hurtful I am sure, but I think this is where you have to give her the freedom to choose and let her live her life.

Let them go. Seriously, it may be the hardest thing in the world but please let them go. Children grow up into adults that will understand the consequences of decisions they've made.

She is still legally a child and yes this is a shock but before fighting this take a moment to think about the best interests of the child and whether your anger and upset is about your own hurt feelings.

16/17yo is a very difficult time. You feel like an adult in many ways, the strain of being under parental control is huge but you do need some support. A lot of kids whose families can afford it will go to boarding school for 6th form having been at day school up to age 16 as the distance and space can be helpful.

Do you love and trust your sibling to look after DD well?

Are there major disagreements on important matters of belief and culture where you are on one side and your sibling is on the other and DD sees this as a way of "choosing sides"? If so then the important thing is to emphasize that families can still love and care for one another even in the face of huge differences of opinion, and make sure DD knows that you still love her.

In fact the number one priority whatever has triggered this is making sure your DD knows that yo love her absolutely and unconditionally.

Using legal means to force her home against her will is not going to solve whatever problems have led to this revolution. However, that doesn't mean it's good to just accept it - that could be taken (in an adolescent brain) as meaning you don't care.

In the cases of sharing residence of children between divorced parents, the courts may order a particular pattern of sharing when the kids are young, but once the kids are old enough to know their own mind the courts will not force them to comply and spend time with a parent they don't want to. I think the same would apply here.

This is also a far preferable outcome than DD running away from home and trying to live independently in a big city, vulnerable to massive exploitation and tragedy.

You may need mediation to help you and DD talk about what has gone wrong. After such talking, see if DD might agree to come back to you for at least a few days during each half-term break and at least a couple of weeks each full-term holiday at summer, Christmas and Easter, during which the two of you can rebuild bridges.

I know a 16yo that decided to live to relatives.

SS said at 16 as long as she was safe they couldn't do anything.

I'd ask social services to do a welfare check but legally at 16 the child have leave home.

My DD was 16 when the change of college and residence were planned. I only found out about her moving etc 2 days ago.
Absolutely zero idea that anything like this would happen.
No time to mentally process this.
I've posted on Legal matters as I need advice from those working or knowledgeable in the legal profession

Can you go over and talk with your sibling face to face? That's what I would do.

Take a deep breath.

She is staying with a relative so is safe.
She has arranged transfer of education so isn't dropping out.

It could be a lot lot worse.

Going the legal route may provide a load of expense and hassle and upset. You may be better off just saying how upset and disappointed you are this wasn't at least discussed with you, but your home is open if she wants to come back.

It sounds like your DD needs some space and some time. Let her be for a while, it’s the best thing you can do for her. She’ll come home when she’s ready but there’s clearly big issues to have caused her to move 250 miles away without discussion - even if you don’t know or understand what those issues are.

I moved a similar distance at the same age, my mum couldn’t understand why I wanted to get away from her either. The time and distance helped and we have a semi normal relationship now. Let her be.

No expertise in this area myself op but you may find this useful

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/home-families/family-relationships/moving-out/

This is what it says applies when dc are 16 or 17:

”When you're 16 or over, you have the right to leave home without your parent's or carer's permission and your parents or carers have the right to ask you to leave.
If you decide to move out or run away, your parents or carers can call the police. But they're unlikely to take you back unless you're unsafe.
When you're under 18, you usually can't rent a property by yourself. But you can get support if you're not living at home anymore.
If you've left home or you don't feel safe there, you can contact your local council for support. They'll work with social services to:

• support you and keep you safe
• find out if you can go home safely
• help you find somewhere else to live.

You can get support by talking to a Childline counsellor. You can also get advice on your rights from Shelter.”

Are you listening OP? She clearly moved away for a reason, why is that? Instead of worrying over why you were not consulted, worry more about why she moved in the first place? And why no one is answering your calls to them.

She is 17, she has moved away from all her friends etc. something has kickstarted this, and the back story is extremely relevant.

What do you hope to gain by pursuing this legally @whattheactualfcukhashappened ?

Unless you have proof that your daughter has been coerced, then no law has been broken.

If you push hard for her to return, and you get your wish, she will hate you. No doubt.

If you get angry with all your family 250 miles away, she will feel undermined, and will hate you for it.

If you act supportively, well...Explain to her that it was a massive shock, you truly love her, you'd welcome her home any time with open arms but understand that right now she wants to live elsewhere. That is keeping the door open to your relationship.

I can't imagine how hard it is. If my girl did this, I'd be mortified. All the best.

She's been away for a month and you haven't expressed any concern. You'd know that mean missing college etc and you've taken no action.

You allowed her to take that responsibility for herself and now you need to accept this too.
There's nothing you can do if she's safe.

OP. If you came to see me (solicitor) and asked for advice about your situation I would tell you that I would need to take a full history and that the accuracy of advice given was entirely contingent upon the accuracy of the history you had provided. (I am not asking you to share the history with MN!)
Unless you gave instructions to the effect that your DD lacks the mental capacity to decide where she lives (eg due to a LD, MH probs or similar) which, from the planning she's been capable of, sounds unlikely, or that your other family members were exercising such psychological control over DD that she was, consequently, unable to exercise free will (which is a very high evidential threshold to meet) I would advise that you have no recourse in civil law (Court of Protection/High Court inherent jurisdiction.) If you told me family posed a physical or psychological risk to DD (which you do not appear to be saying is the case) then I'd recommend that you refer to the police and safeguarding team in the LA area where your family live. Before you took any action I would make you aware that IMO doing anything other than trying to keep the lines of communication open with DD and other family members is likely to cause damage to your relationship that will be difficult to reverse as the law is a very blunt instrument and, as PP have said or implied, the extent to which parents exercise Parental Responsibility diminishes over their child's childhood to the extent that, post 16, you have no effective control/responsibility in this type of situation. I hope that all works out well for you and your daughter.

Same, I left home because of an abusive parent. Not saying OP is, but in many cases there is always a reason.

Legally there’s nothing you can do.

And even if there was, using the law to make a seventeen year old who clearly no longer wishes to live with you is only going to reinforce her belief that moving out has been the right thing to do.

She’s a child to all intents and purposes, but she’s old enough to make her own decisions.

You obviously don’t want to tell the back story as I’m guessing you don’t want to be judged on your part of it, but the backstory is relevant and will be more so if you were to take legal action. Bearing in mind that she is old enough to express her wish to move and to inform whom so ever why, which won’t necessarily put you in a good light.

The daughter of a friend of DP’s was diagnosed with an eating disorder two years ago. She was fourteen, and she expressed a wish to no longer live with her parents and as a result she was moved into care.

The parents were heartbroken, didn’t see this coming, were so upset and didn’t understand why as everything was normal. But looking in from the outside the whole family is incredibly disfunctional and I can totally see why she wanted out of there.

And even at fourteen, she was listened to and her parents were not entitled to any information about her condition etc. At seventeen you don’t have a chance.