Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

Yes, a lot of our friends have DC going to uni and I am seriously shocked how over involved they are in their lives - it is really odd and frankly harmful. I work in a large business and often have parents (people I don't know) call me and ask if I can give their (in their 20s!) children some work experience?!!! GET THEM TO CALL ME THEMSELVES!!!

My MIL tracks my BIL's phone. He's 45. I don't know why he puts up with it.

St Andrews😅

🖐🖐🖐 from the UEA parents Facebook page then runs away,😀

Ah that’s fair enough. Mine couldn’t shop themselves because they couldn’t get it home without my car. They did their own packing with reminders from us about the size of our car boot 😆

Parents haven't taught their children independance

It’s not necessarily a new phenomenon.
16 years ago when son was attending an interview for med school, I was waiting for him in the general reception area when there was a bit of a kerfuffle at the main reception desk. A mother was trying to insist she accompanied her DC into the interview anteroom where they were set a problem to solve before going into the interview.
It was very embarrassing and there was a lot of eye rolling from the other parents.
Also on one med school tour visit there was one parent who kept asking all sort of inane questions to the student heading our group. ‘What time do you need to get up to arrive on time to lectures’, ‘are there toiletries provided on campus’, ‘do you take turns cleaning the common areas in the flats’,it went on and on - her DD looked mortified.
FFS these students were going to be Drs how on earth would they cope without their Mums!

It's not their world when they are a first year moving in.

It's not their world if, as parents, you don't want to go out in their uni town but fancy a nice little village pub that won't be on your child's radar.

It's not their world as you'll typically be prepared to spend a bit more than your student child on a budget might do.

It's not their world if it's a restaurant they walked past and liked the look of but have never actually been to.

Offering help preparing for job interviews is totally different to helicopter parenting . That is something that is very much experience based where you learn by doing. You are providing an environment where they can learn new skills.

The whole point about helicopter parenting is that you are not allowing those skills to be built because you are taking over tasks.

For example, I helped DS2 with his first couple of online supermarket orders helping him navigate the site etc because he is visually impaired once he learnt the site I wasn’t needed. However, I didn’t try to control what he bought nor did I tell him how to organise his meals or groceries- I simply acted as an extra pair of eyes. Did I think his diet was wonderful when he first had free rein to buy what he wanted - no. Did I leave him to work out better options for himself ie less cake and more fruit and veg -yes.

It's stuff like this that makes me think there's no wonder my younger colleagues just stare at the phone if it rings - God forbid they have to speak to an actual customer, think on their feet and problem solve!

No I do not think this is normal - but I'm aways surprised at number of posters tracking uni kids and justifying it.

I went to uni in the 90s - parents did open day with me it varried from 25 to 50 % with parents - went to 5 uni - DH went by himself few year earlier and remembers odd parent with child - so while that number massive increased now to most I do not think it's that odd and wonder how old people were that they saw no parents on open days.

We've gone on them as kids seem to want that - we sent DD1 to offer days by herself but only managed that with one for DS as summer born and needing overnight stay due to distance couldn't book a hotel room for him - most hotels do not like under 18 if there is no adult - even in another room - with them.

Our kids have needed more support in GCSE and A-level years - SEN/ND plus shit/isssues schools - but that's always been with mind that that support was going to stop - and uni was then though we were at end of phone if they reache dout. It's has highlighed a few issues for them - things home was masking but it's then on them to manage.

Our middle child started uni recently and nope, I don't want to engage in this level of interference. My situation's a bit/a lot different as he's chosen to live at home.

I would have been MORTIFIED if my parents had half an idea of what I got up to in my first few weeks/months/years of Uni, or knew where I was at any given moment of the day, or who I was with (mostly from a shagging around). Of course I spoke to them on the phone (maybe once a week? maybe less) and wrote letters (ah the olden days of the early 2000s, to be fair most of my letters were to friends and my grandparents) and we're close, we're still close, but oh my days please leave 18 year olds to sort their own social connections out.

It was hard to find my people but I did that all on my own and they're still my friends now (we've got a weekend away coming up soon).

It's an important life skill to develop to build your own relationships, meet people with similar interests, be vulnerable, make mistakes. Surely at 18 they don't need mummy and daddy to facilitate that for them?!

With my son I think it's been more about us trying to open up opportunities for him to do it himself, so getting him to get an earlier train to uni so he can go to the cafe there before lectures so there's more chance of chatting to people, or encouraging him to sign up for the gym on campus so he doesn't have to use his usual gym and there's more chance of meeting people at the gym with similar interests.

I guess he doesn't NEED the same sort of friendship net and he certainly doesn't WANT to be as sociable as I was as he's doing an industry placement half the week too and they appear to have a really strong social calendar built in for the apprentices.

I want him to be happy and make friends of course but I also need to trust him to do that in a way and in a place and in a timeframe that feels comfortable and good for him.

I would have been so embarrassed I'd have cringed myself inside out if my mum had messaged other parents about my loneliness. Oh my days. Can you imagine?!!? Aged 18. When you just want to be cool and your own person. EEEWWwwwww. Leave them be. Support them from a distance. Don't crowd them. You're right that it's odd AF.

I guess helicopter parenting doesn't stop when your kid becomes and adult and moves out.

Maybe this is the time that the helcoptering should become more the Air/Sea Rescue helicopter, there for real emergencies and not checking in every few minutes nor stalking them electronically! Isn't stalking illegal, I can't legally place a tracker on someone's car, why should anyone be allowed to have a form of tracker on another adult's phone?

There was a MN thread about a uni open day and I was lurking. Someone was asking about parking, and a very helpful person suggested a parking garage, which I ended up using. Local suggestions are often better than what you can find on Google.

DS2 graduated from UEA two years ago - if there was a parents' FB age while he was there, either my friend whose DS started at the same time knew about it and decided to mention, or we neither of us did and definitely didn't consider looking for one.

Hands up, though, I did have some correspondence with the university when he was in first year - I was paying his accommodation fees and have a morbid fear doing something wrong and seeing an electronic payment ping off into a black hole (aka a stranger's account), from which neither the intended recipient nor myself would be able to retrieve it.

I don't think that chatting daily with a family member you enjoy talking to, is what this thread is about. It's more about situations where a parent and/or adult child believe that all difficulties and questions however trivial have to be solved by the parent, rather than the adult child just getting on with it.

It is legal because they've consented, and can remove the tracker whenever the choose. It wouldn't be legal otherwise.

Honestly, that kind of parenting is getting wild, but it's weirdly becoming the norm lately. It's totally fine to use a group to figure out boring logistics like Wi-Fi or moving day traffic, but trying to set up playdates for your 18-year-old or hunting down freshers week tickets for them is a whole different level. At that point, you're just robbing them of the chance to actually figure things out and make friends on their own. It’s no wonder uni staff are pulling their hair out with parents trying to fight battles for kids who are legal adults.

We will have to agree to disagree on this. The person going to uni is an adult not a child. Perfectly able to chose a restaurant without parental involvement. I cannot imagine my parents taking over and doing this to me when I was at uni. I certainly would not do it to my own child. The whole point is to make your own choices without parents pushing theirs. And if they take you to somewhere you dont think perfect then just go with it and respect their choice.

Anyway thats just my opinion. I love the fact my children seem able to find a decent place for us to eat themselves. Amazing but true.

DS is currently doing a post graduate course in Ontario whilst we are in the UK. He lived at home during his degree because we live in a university town and it was convenient.
We couldn’t really be less involved 🤣 he WhatsApps regularly and is in his ‘happy place’ I honestly think it’s been the making of him to have his independence.

When I went to Uni there were no mobiles or even accommodation with landlines…my parents got used to hearing from me about once a fortnight!

Perhaps some are parents of dc with some issues meaning they struggle with things others don’t.

not all 18/19 year olds are the same.

some need more hand holding for a little longer. Perhaps the parents know that without a little more support early on in finding things, how things work, where things are, their dc run the risk of falling through the gaps and dropping out.

I do think it's important to recognise this. You never know what a family is dealing with or recovering from.

Social media gives you info you never used to get, without any context. So people project their prejudices onto strangers.

Why would a parent be needing to work out the WiFi?

Honestly, it usually comes down to parents who just can’t break the habit of managing every single detail of their kid's life. Even though moving into a dorm is supposed to be the first real taste of independence, some parents treat it like they’re setting up a family vacation rental or a second home. They want to make sure the laptop connects right away so the student isn't stressed, or honestly, they just want an excuse to stick around and be useful for a few more hours because letting go is genuinely hard.