Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

I admit I’m confused by your post. You say you’ve personally found the group useful.
The one I’m on has lots of parents of overseas students so tips like where best to buy things, navigation of local nhs etc. Practical things like where to park for drop off, best hotels for parents dropping off students.
It’s parents passing on info they have picked up along the way. I view it like what I’d tell my friend if she had a child starting at the uni.
In a difficult situation the support can be incredibly helpful, lots of signposting to correct sources of assistance.
If it’s not for you don’t join a facebook group they aren’t compulsory.

Yep. There was one parent on the group I'm in who was worrying that their "YP" had gone back to sleep at 9.30am and would miss their subject group talk.
I stay in it because it makes me laugh!

What are you talking about? I’ve not even named the uni. Yes, the group is helpful with parents asking parent type questions, but I’ve been really surprised by the number of parents (about a quarter of the group) who are asking about the social stuff, times events start etc on behalf of their adult dc. It made me realise parenting styles are very different from when I was at uni and my parents just weren’t very involved (loving parents).

Yes and all that is absolutely useful, but then this group has more helicopter parents than my younger dc secondary school group. One parent even shared their cute nickname for their ds - I’m pretty sure most 18 year olds would be horrified, or asking us to get our dc to knock on their dc door to say hi - providing full address. I don’t think that’s normal behaviour.

It is entertaining and concerning in equal measure. I’m grateful you get it. Some posters can’t understand how a fb group could be useful AND bonkers

I've seen similar op. When dd started uni someone said on FB that their dd in Ground floor - X halls had told her that a boy left unwashed plates in the kitchen and could the parents have a word

Yes indeed! All you're going to find in groups like that is people with far too much time on their hands and who need a hobby thay doesn't involve any aspect of their offsprings' lives.

I joined parents Facebook page but it doesn’t have many posts. There were a few questions about accommodation from new parents so as a parent of student going into 2nd year could talk about which hall he was in and what was in the area (city uni) and posted photos of his room/kitchen without any of his personal stuff in. Also gave advice about letting agent we used for 2nd year accommodation but that was as far as my involvement has been really. Parents certainly haven’t been as involved as the OP describes

True

Omg that is not normal. Parents should not be attending freshers week events. Those events are for students to settle in, make friends, network and have some fun away from the watchful eye of parents. Uni is the perfect opportunity for some of the more sheltered kids, as I was, to gain a bit of or in my case a lot of independence. I don't recall seeing any parents after the first day when they dropped the kids off in their halls. WhatsApp didn't exist when I was at uni but I can't imagine that my Mum would be so interfering. In the unlikely event she had any interest in what I was doing she could have asked me. But tbf thoughout my 4 years at uni I could go for weeks without talking to my parents, I did have one housemate who spoke to his Mum every night and another had agreed to call home every week.

I was not at uni but when I left home (1960s) neither I nor my parents were on the phone for the first year so there was no way of contact except personal visit or snail-mail. I probably saw them about once a month.

@TeenLifeMum how were you able to join the group? Was there some kind of check as to whether you really did have a DC attending the university? Because if not, perhaps those providing their own DC's precise halls address might like to consider whether all of the group's members are 'genuine'. Or even if they are, are their DC totally trustworthy?

Although I very much doubt that a parents' social media group was in any way involved, a friend's DD suffered serious sexual harassment in her halls from a male fellow resident. I'm not sure whether the parents of female students especially have thought of potential consequences of posting 'My DD's lonely- she's in this flat / room, could someone pop round?'

In answer to the original question, though - increasingly common, possibly, but no, it's not normal.

YANBU I joined WIWIKAU and there are several posts about homesick teens & on one of them a Mum offers to get in touch with her friend who has a child in the same halls & the plan is to ask them to go & introduce themselves. I find it mad that a grown adult is getting involved to the point where they are telling a friends child who they should hang out with. It’s madness.

I also saw a post about life360 & several people are tracking their child’s every move. I find it concerning that this is considered normal. One even said they check the battery life of their child’s phone & they can tell if they are awake that way. Another was worried their child had got back late & they had noticed he was in an alley way for a while en route home. I don’t think this is normal behaviour.

Not normal for my ds, who is generally quite shy.

I helped move him in on Sunday 13th. He felt lonely & isolated on Monday and I spent time chatting to him on the phone, suggesting things to do the next day.

By Tuesday he'd met a few people in his flat, then set about finding a supermarket and a barber, working out how to cook & store his food, How to use the launderette.

He joined a couple of societies, went for a swim twice, set up his new laptop and did the tour of the engineering facilities where he met the other engineering students

He has seven hours of lectures & seminars tomorrow ! 😮

We have made a list of things he forgot to take with him, so I'm visiting again on the 27th to drop them off and check he's ok with my own eyes. From then I won't expect to see him until early December unless he asks for help. A phone call a week and the odd whatapp message.

Those are the same parents that attend job interviews with their grown kids 😂😂 thier the parents that will never cut the apron strings it's how mamas boys that can't use a washing machine are born

I’ve noticed this particularly this year. Previously, random yet useful information which helps massively. Where to stay, nice places to eat, tips on local area, where to buy random stuff locally.
This year, way too much. Giving away too much information, exact halls, asking how does their YP turn the cooker on, off, complaining about stuff, can they bring their dog, whole family into the flats. It is insane.

I’m at uni at 50+ and the way the students are spoken to is very babyish, they get explained systems and admin and given basic instructions over and over and then on the uni WhatsApp it’s non stop questions.. what am I doing, how do I get here, what did the lecturer say etc….

Some of these young adults are really not ready for real life and I’m going to say they are most likely the children whose parents are over involved.

I started at uni in 1980. My parents waved me off at the station for a four-hour train journey. They weren’t on the phone and I didn’t see them again for three months.

I’m a similar age to you. Back in the day, some students, who are at university today wouldn’t have made it, because they didn’t have the parental and school support they have today. It’s far more complex than just saying they have over involved parents or that this generation are mollycoddled a lot more.

Sounds like it's your jumping off time for the group, it's served the purpose you needed it for. The trouble with modern communication groups like FB and WhatsApp is it gives people an easy outlet for their concerns when in reality it might be better to deal with those through different channels. If you look at the number of parents getting this involved versus the number of students at the uni, it's probably not very many. But social media amplifies people's voices. Leave them to it and crack on!

Around 40,000 students drop out of uni by the end of their first year and many of them say it is for mental health reasons. Many students have a good time at university but a lot of my friends and my friends children have had difficult patches and didn't enjoy it that much. My brother had a terrible time but we didn't find out until the hospital rang us and then we found out all sorts of really bad things had been happening. He never went back.

When I was at university in London quite a lot of students lived at home to save money. They did not appear to be any less independent or mature than anyone else. Living at home when at university is very common in many countries.

Some people need more support, some don't get enough and some enjoy more distance and independence. There are lots of approaches and different ones work for different people.

Nuts, our kid’s uni has a fb parents group like this too. Tracking their phones, fretting if they’re out late- I had to leave!

Jesus. No!

And I say that as someone who really struggled with university.

Not at all normal but I think we are a generation of parents who baby our DC and can’t let them go, learn to be resilient and grow up. The very idea of a WhatsApp group chat for parents with DC in a particular uni halls 😂😂😂😂