Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

Indeed! I left for university in 1976 - on the bus/train (in fact, it took 3 trains in total - on my own, because it just wasn't the norm for parents to take their adult child to university in those days.) We didn't have a landline until after I graduated, so I sent a letter every couple of weeks or so to assure my mother I was still breathing.

The over-involvement of some parents in every aspect of their child's education - making their revision plans, cards, etc for them - is quite remarkable.

I think you can over-estimate the IQ of some parents/posters on these groups. From what I've seen, people are constantly asking about things the uni has already told them (answer is usually "read the email, all the info is in there"), or needlessly panicking about non-issues e.g. "It said the online cybersecurity training would be available in early September, but it's now mid-September, what's gone wrong??" and suchlike. They need everything spelling out umpteen times, and perhaps always have done, but these 24/7 fora have exacerbated it.

Something about how much info is available now, makes people 'anxious' about any tiny thing they don't know. There's a huge need to 'know' flatmates before moving in or know everything that will happen in freshers' week before it starts. The terror of something actually happening in real time or taking people as you find them is real for these people. I don't blame them, it's part of the online mad world now. People need to post every thought that goes through their minds. We're doing it on here right now so are no better really. Just smarter/sneerier!

@AngelaPoise - I actually feel the response to the Times journalist was the opposite of mysognystic - imagine a man posting that about his daughter - the he was tracking a 19 year old as she walked about on her uni freshers week, checking what pubs she was in, calling her to ensure she followed a timetable HE was checking in on - I mean this woman was checking he was making it to social events ! it's up to him whether he does that stuff - I don't even behave like that about my 14 year old.

We would jump on that as abuse and control if it was a man. How she is behaving is really really appalling parenting - not allowing him to develop, humiliating him in front of his new uni friends apart from anything else ! he is identifiable!

Is he allowed to go home with a girl? she would know! its gross. and she even says 'ww3 has broken out over it but I won't stop'.

If you think you are heartless then what do you think of my parents?

I flew 11 hours from my home country to Heathrow, jumped on a national express to get myself to Durham and moved myself in all by myself, bought all my stuff for my room by myself, signed up for all Fresher stuff by myself, had to sort out my mobile etc - took a week so didn't speak to my parents for more than a few mins at a time using the landline as too expensive.

Lol. You are far from heartless.

I obviously don't think my parents are either; I am just amazed at some of these posts and examples I read.

I hope you DD has a great time.

My first years haven't arrived yet but I've already got a message from a first year asking to be in the same seminar group as a friend as they are "travelling in together" and she "has anxiety". At least it wasn't the mum though of course I don't know who actually wrote the email! I pointed out they will be on campus every day so will be travelling in at the same times anyway, and that the best way to get over anxiety is to do the thing, not avoid it.
Also I have no control over timetabling...

Oh god, that’s awful.
My line manager (29 or 30) brought her mother to a meeting with HR.

No. I would have been mortified if my parents did that. We did have a group chat ourselves and a few people posted they were struggling to make friends ect in that. It was a very supportive and nice chat to be honest, I went to hang out with some people from it who said they were having a hard time making friends. Didn’t click with one of them but the other one was round our house last weekend with her son for dinner.

Because I have ASD, I actually had a pre induction thing where me and the other autistic kids were shown round for a few days and they talked about how uni is different ect. The lady explicitly said about how they can’t give parents information if they ring up unless we tell them it’s okay and she told us basically that we need to try and deal with things ourselves with help from disability support (who were actually really great). I do think I actually signed a thing that said it’s okay for them to speak to my parents if they needed to, but it never actually happened.

Wow. That’s the most embarrassing Mum ever. Poor chap.

Shits crazy. I’m in my twenties now but even when I was at college it wasn’t like that. I actually moved out and had a kid at 16 took a year out then enrolled my kid in the nursery at the college. Everyone else was a year younger than me on my course and just getting on with it, not a parent in sight.

I suppose it’s quite sweet and not necessarily a bad thing?

70s here too …. just got on the bus, train, bus with my suitcase. My parents had no landline so we wrote letters!!
On the plus side I was on a means tested full grant - EVERYTHING paid for, except books - and around £70 a term I think, don’t think the £70 was for the year.
My friends with well off parents were very envious of me but then in turn I was envious of them turning up in a car with houseplants and a b/w TV.
Happy days!

I think an adult can work this out for themselves. They live there. You don't.

I think it's disrespectful actually to assume an adult can't work out a decent restaurant to take family and dogs. They seem to be pretty good at Googling....

Crazy but hardly surprising! Back at the chalkface, 20+ years ago, when Year 10 were preparing for Work Experience one of the things on the information we sent out for parents was along the lines of 'don't find out bus times, clothes requirements, lunch arrangements etc., part of work experience is in starting to take responsibility for themselves', those pupils were 15ish and we did have to odd parent asking questions but they were always told to let their youngster find it out.

Your last connects ring true. I assume pretty much every poster on this thread have posted a query in some way on MN otherwise why are they a member able to comment rather than just a lurker.

DS’s GF needed some help with job applications/interviews. DH and I both have experience with recruiting. Her family don’t. She was nervous. Should we have just let her flounder and be ‘independent’ or actually help her, in the same way we are giving advice to DS. We aren’t filling in their applications but giving some guidance. Is that being helicoptering? Some parents can go too far either way, being too hands on or too hands off. DH went to Open Days with DS. DH took a backseat when it came to going round the uni etc. But they had a great time on their road trips. DS was the only one of his friends looking at the course (and some of the unis) he was interested in, so no friends to go with. I think some parents want to be competitive in how hands off they are. Which is no better than being helicopter parents (and you can miss out on experiences with your DC whilst still allowing them to be independent)

Indeed. My ds moved from China to the uk for uni. Although British he had never lived in the uk before. We did have some odd conversations when he arrived (I sent him ahead) : can you drink the tap water in the uk and why doesn’t the premier inn want to see my passport when I check in?

@waterrat I agree it's not great parenting and crosses boundaries - and yes, it would read very differently if it was a dad tracking his daughter (but maybe not son?but would that even happen?) But I don't think coercive control and wild overspilling anxiety are the same thing. There was a real delight in kicking a middle-aged woman - a lot of "I hate you mum! I won't do what you tell me!" door-slamming energy about the conversation, to be honest, and a lot of people glorying in the fact that they never contacted their parents. I don't think that's right or kind, to be honest, no matter how crazy the writer in question was (and that was quite crazy).

I’ve never involved myself with uni stuff once I waved them off at their halls on their first day. I was glad to say goodbye to all that when they left school.

As I said people ask similar questions on local Facebook pages and they live in the same town. What is the difference between googling and going on a Facebook page and asking for people’s knowledge and experience of local restaurants etc

Heard a story recently where a graduate (yes 20+) got his mum to call the uni and complain because he couldn't get a job despite getting "FIRST CLASS HONOURS!" - he literally rang said "hold on, let me pass you to my mum..." and she went on a tirade. To the HR dept. I mean, honestly!

Yep. I think it’s nuts someone needs a Facebook group to work out where to park, but if OP found it useful, presumably it’s useful for other people.

Back in my day a fellow student received a letter in the post from her mother every single day. Crazy.
Another girl sat by the payphone every evening waiting for her parents’ daily call. Weird.
Another girl’s mother kept ringing every day, sometimes several times over the weekend, asking whoever happened to answer to locate her daughter, who was rarely in the building even overnight but we didn’t tell her that.

But these were the exceptions, thankfully.

How many posters on MN are in contact with their DM daily, either phone call or more likely something like WhatsApp?

My daughter was so ready to leave home when university came around. I think she has the same independent streak that my mum and I both have. I text her every other day which sometimes results in a WhatsApp conversation, but mostly it's a "You alive? Yes mum"- sort of exchange. I don't live too far from where she lives so I aim to see her once a month. She's only rung once in distress when she was having money problems and she wanted to quit uni, but I convinced her to stay on. She's managed to find a part-time job, she does a bit of volunteering and seems to be happier now.

Not RTFT but I saw this on Twitterx that went viral recently which is next level helicopter parenting!! Or stalking, if want to call a spade a spade.

@Musicaltheatremum that takes me back! On my first day in 1991 my bleep went off as soon as I'd been given it, asking me to come and certify someone dead. Age 23, less than 5 minutes into my first job, and seeing a dead body. It's a different world now!

There is a fine line - i did everything for uni myself - didnt realise I had to take crockery etc so had to go into my overdraft when I got there to buy everything I needed so I have worked my kids to make sure they have everything they need and have done all the things they needed to do - photos for ID cards, set up accounts etc. But I have not done it for them, its more of a guidance role - check in that they have done it, eg the accommodation choices timeslot for DD was whilst she was on holiday in Portugal with her friends so I checked she could log in from there on her phone in case she needed me or her Dad to do it from a PC.
I have no idea of whats in the app, have not been involved in her signing up for anything, when her accomodation payment is due etc. I sat with her whilst she did the student loan application - coz she needed some of our details.
I was a little more involved with DS1 last year as he has ASD so need a little extra guidance but once he was at uni I was not involved in anything - he doesnt tell us much and I had no idea of his timetable. I do now what hours DD is in lectures as she showed it to me the other day.
Dropped DD off on the weekend, had a few text conversations and she did call DH as he asked her a few questions so she said it was easier to just call - he felt very honoured!

@iamnofool I spoke to my mum every day because I wanted to, and I liked to speak to her. There was no compulsion, no stifling my independence, it's just what we did. I spoke to her every day until she died in her 80s. She did the same with her mum. I don't expect it from my kids, but I'd hope I'd get more than a three-monthly phone call. It's what you do with people you like and nothing to do with some mythical ideal of "independence". Which can look a lot like being selfish/cold from both sides, to be honest. But hey, all families are different right?