Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

It’s the parents doing the posting so why does my daughter need to figure out how I post her something?

I’m sure she could figure out supermarket deliveries but as someone has explained it, I shared it with her. Saves her looking. She’s not planning to get deliveries so it would be if she were ill so just useful to know. I didn’t go out of my way to ask the question as I agree, it’s not my place to do so.

I guess because that's just normal life? In general, if I want to post something to an adult I ask them what address I should send it to. I don't ask the parents of people who live with or near them. So when I posted something to my DC at university I just asked them where to send it. Wouldn't occur to me to do anything else.

Obviously if I already have the information about posting or supermarket deliveries then I'd pass it on as appropriate. But I wouldn't go looking for it for them.

I didn’t ask the post question - I’ve not posted anything. It’s not the same as a normal address as all halls post goes to the post room and they have to pick it up… except specific halls where they collect from somewhere else - like a P.O. Box - and those need a different address.

I could have asked her but didn’t need to as the info had been shared in the group.

My ds is in his final year at uni, I’ve never had any interaction with other mums or the tutors or anything. Nor did I with my older son. They’d be appalled if I did.

Some of it is really useful. Particularly where to stay locally for a visit if a seaside town. Some parents from abroad who just want random advice about how things work. That kind of thing is really helpful.

Yes I'm familiar with university halls and PO boxes. Both my kids have graduated recently.

Yes that sort of thing is marginally useful. But it's also pretty easily available elsewhere and not enough (for me) to justify the whole parent WhatsApp group shenanigans. Ditto recommendations for places to stay - what do you normally do when you need to book a night away. Just do that.

I didn’t set up the group (private Facebook group) but I had looked up post on the website and it wasn’t clear. Also the advice re second year renting - having not rented since 2004, was useful as there’s stuff I wouldn’t have even thought of. Some more useful than others.

I have had some great advice from mn on holidays and accommodation abroad so it’s not really any different to asking on mn except the audience is more targeted.

I went to university when only 7% of young people went (1976) and was not only the first in my family, but the first in my village. Of course, there was no internet then, so no opportunities for parents to get that deeply involved, contact other parents, etc. However...

My parents had no involvement at all in my applications, visits to universities (no open days then, but it was common to be called for interview and I went to 3). You went alone - school made it very clear to us that we needed to find out how to get there, train times, etc and ensure we knew what we were doing.

It was the done thing to go up on your own at the start of each term, including your first one. I knew of nobody whose parents took them. You did your shopping on your own when you got there (everything else you carried, though some of us worked out that having a trunk and sending it ahead was a useful thing to do).

My parents - and those of all the other students I knew - expected us to be adults and sort stuff for ourselves - we wouldn't have dreamed of calling our parents (mine didn't have a phone, so it was impossible) to sort stuff for us.

You need to encourage them to be independent.

Mumsnet didn’t exist then either. But many posters come on here asking questions as parents of teens and older DC. It’s not all about becoming a parent and babies.

These parent Facebook pages can be useful (and some parents can be over the top just as they can be on here). I was on one. And when parents of new/prospective students joined I was able to give my experience of when DC started when he was in second year. Advice about his accommodation, our experience of letting agent for 2nd year accommodation (DS sorted his accommodation independently although obviously we had to be involved financially as guarantor). One parent was local and DC commuted so was able to give more detailed advice on the area around the university.

Is that really any different to people asking advice on here or on local community Facebook groups?

DS did his research for courses, universities etc. But he knew he was able to ask our advice and he enjoyed the road trips with DH when doing open days. Your DC would certainly be in the minority if they go to Open Days without a parent nowadays. DH always took a step back in any tours or question or answer sessions to let DS take the lead, but was there as a sounding board if required.

None of the courses/unis were ones his friends were interested in, so no point going with a mate on Open Days.

Life, communication, cost is all different from when I went to uni. We are used to be able to type in a question somewhere and get an answer. MN wouldn’t exist otherwise

Yes. As with much in life, it's good to take a step bck for a moment and ask yourself "how would we have done this when I was that age?"

How did I find out about the post? I can't fully remember but we had pigeon holes in halls that post ended up in and when I lived in a shared house it's just the normal post. My mum would send stuff to the Halls address (by "stuff" I mean a pillow case I forgot, letters, silly postcards), I don't know why it would be much more complicated than just putting the address on the thing you're sending.

Supermarket deliveries are something I've only ever used on a hen do, I go in person to the supermarket like it's 1994 and my 18 year old student son also physically walks around Lidl or Aldi. In the early 2000s I would walk to the nearest Somerfield or mini Sainsburys as I didn't have a car and I'd only need and get what I carry.

The student is the one who's in the place that has all the support and the answers. If they don't know where the nearest post office is, it's good practice for them to learn how to find out about that kind of thing. It's good for them to use the Halls support staff to find things out or to be signposted to information or help or advice about anything.

I believe we should let our young people bumble along and do more for themselves. My 18 year old is shy and anxious so he didn't even want to go to the freshers fayre. Rather than look up all the info he needs for him I made sure he went along but with two things in mind that he needed to find out (how to sign up for the gym, how to pay, what's the cost) and joining the specific sports club he wants to play in (when's training, how does he know fixtures). He was buzzing later that afternoon "they had free pizza!" with his new Dominoes vouchers, the contact info for the sports club (who'd spotted him and approached him & were really welcoming) and with enough info about the gym prices for him to make some decisions.

In the same way, he's had to book in his own driving lessons, phone the meningitis vaccination people to book his slot, all that kind of thing. I could do it for him but he has to flex those independence muscles and have a bit of control over his own diary, calendar, transport, responsibilities, health etc.

But it's figuring out this sort of stuff for yourself that (IMO) helps young adults develop confidence in their own ability to problem solve and manage independently of your parents.

I agree, but I also needed to post her pc cable (that she forgot to pack) 12 hours after dropping her off and she had a lot of things to figure out. She’ll have plenty of opportunities to do that.

It’s a balance between supporting and independence.

dd booked her own meningitis vaccination, driving test, sorted insurance when a distracted driver went into her… she’s very independent. As a parent, figuring out how I drop off at uni, unload and move to a different car park in advance from a parent fb group was helpful. It’s not a case of one or the other. I can learn how to address stuff so dd gets it without asking her to find out (she knew her address the bit post room at uni was useful to understand) and she can still be a self sufficient student.

I asked about post at reception desk for DS because it was such an odd set up never enountered by DH or I at uni or DD1. In end I sent parcles to nearest post office he then found himself. For DD1 just needed the address.

We did food shop when dropping off - so the first few days were a bit easier - my parents did this in 90s as well - as well as making sure I knew route in on first drop off.

I've not needed a parent group for uni or secondary or even primary school - if I've had questions kids found answers or I asked someone who job it was to know. I've personally found other parents are often the least reliable source of information.

If Op finds the group useful fair enough and yes many parents are over involved and they will be more likely to be in such groups. However I do think there a mdidle ground with just leaving them and helping them with a few things to make first few days a bit easier.

I helped with postal address on the parent Facebook page. DS found it for me when I needed to send him something, and it was a combination of building, block within building, floor, hall within floor and finally room number, a delightful string of numbers and letters! So when someone asked on the parent FB page I was happy to tell them how the combination worked. Let's face it, it's going to be mainly parents/family that post things through normal post.

There were Amazon lockers nearby which is probably where most of their parcels etc would be dropped off.

I remember years ago when at uni being very excited getting mail, as didn't happen very often. One day I picked a parcel up from the post room and excitedly starting opening it in front of friends before I remembered that it contained my underwear that I had accidentally left at home when I had visited at the weekend and my lovely DM had done my laundry and had left my underwear drying in the airing cupboard and it hadn't got put back in my bag!

Many parents do a food shop when they drop off or visit their offspring at uni. Not because their child isn't capable of doing it but it helps with their finances. When I visited DS he would do the shop and then I would pay at the till.

I’m on a similar fb page and it’s been useful but there’s not been any posts like that!