Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

That’s very weird. Not my experience with my daughters. This is where we as parents back off and allow our children to flourish and find their people.

That’s nuts.

One of the blessings is letting go

It doesn’t stop at uni! I had a 22 year old graduate start with me in work (reporting to someone a few levels below me in the organization). His mum rang, asked to speak to the director, and checked if he should bring a packed lunch or if there was a canteen. Also asked if I would meet him at the front door🤣🤣.

I would not have been impressed if my parents had been this involved. Fair enough with the moving in process so they had an idea with what was happening as well but after that, it’s really not needed.

Can you imagine turning up at someone’s door and saying your mum said you were lonely? Or if someone turned up at your door?

No

Never heard of such a WhatsApp group. Who started it, op, and how were you added to it?

No it’s not normal but then there was a thread last week where someone called their child’s university at midnight because their child pocket dialled them and then didn’t answer the phone (because said phone was in child’s pocket) and the number of people saying that calling the university at midnight is an entirely sane thing to do was wild.

some people just can’t let go.

Crazy!! My first day at work 1/8/86 I was handed the cardiac arrest bleep and told I was on call for 24 hours!! The joys of being a junior doctor in the 80s

It’s a Facebook page and I assume random parents set it up as you have 3rd year parents advising. I follow the uni page so I’m guessing fb algorithm showed it to me and I joined. It was really helpful to understand how drop off works - 30 minutes in nearby car park then you move slightly further away. I’m guessing dd has that info in the uni app but hasn’t shared and as we were the ones driving, it’s handy to understand.

I think groups like that are very skewed. Just leave the group and you can pretend it isn't happening!

Thanks for the sanity check. I’m pretty sure dd would be mortified if I posted her personal details or photo of her in her room. I mean, as we’re in the group you can assume we all have a photo of our dc in their new room, why would I care to see yours? I was feeling a bit heartless as I’ve stepped back.

Agree
there is a type of parent who is involved in this type of behaviour and they should be avoided at all costs

Nope, ours is off now in their first year and we intend to have absolutely zero involvement in their uni life!

I'd have hated that.

That’s absolutely mental 🤣🤣🤣 it’s like the primary school WhatsApp group for adults 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

DS finished 6th form 2 years ago. There were never any WhatsApp groups - not even ones run by the school - the whole way through school. Parents had access to the homework and attendance app in secondary and an apps to pay for lunches, equipment, trips etc. I know a handful of these parents socially, mostly because I knew pre secondary school or they live nearby. As far as uni is concerned, DS is going into second year. We have met parents of flatmates. This was mostly because a flatmate is American and needed the UK parents to be guarantors, the parents took us out to dinner to thank us. Otherwise no involvement at all with other parents.

Our DS was unwell and we did have some contact with student welfare. But because he's an adult, it was mostly down to him to talk to them about his needs whilst in halls. The halls had an app to organise any maintenance issues, payment of rent etc. This seemed to work well, although I'm aware some halls are better run than others. Aforementioned US student was in halls run by Unite and he and others Ive met said it was shambolic and the rooms cell like.

Our DS checks in a few times a day because he's recovering from recent surgery but this is dropping back now he's not living alone. I'm quite happy to field any queries about cooking or life stuff, A bit of anxiety cones with the territory of being a parent. I am quite proud of how our DS managed to navigate the unexpected health wise during his first year.

It doesn’t surprise me. The level of involvement of some parents at GCSE/A level is insane. The children who are hand held by their parents throughout every exam, with parents planning revision etc, presumably end up as young adults who can’t cope alone at uni. The parents really aren’t doing their children any favours.

ETA. I don’t really understand why parents need access to homework apps in secondary school, but I know a lot of schools share this. Why? A secondary school child (with the exception of educational needs) should be able to manage their homework load without parental involvement. Children need to learn to manage things by themselves, or they end up at uni having their parents arranging their lives.

God no, that's just nuts. I've one DS go through uni and a second is in his second year and had nothing like this.
When I worked in a uni some years ago we did have a parent or two each year who would arrive with their offspring and be most put out to be told that no, we did not have a camp bed they could use to fulfill their plan of staying for a week to get their (adult) child settled in. We would suggest they booked themselves into a hotel if they wanted to stay local which was inevitably met with horror at the prospect of having to pay. Meanwhile, their poor kids were either eye-rolling or practically dancing a joyful jig in the background.

Not my experience at all, but then to be fair I don't know anyone who still uses Facebook! Kinda tempted to go and see if there is a parent group for either of my kids universities on there though 😂

Oh god, I would not believe this is real but it’s so wild that I believe you.

I know do a few parents who stayed one night in a hotel if they had a long drive each way for drop off but no one I knew ever had parents stay in there rooms. It’s crazy!

And yet you found the group useful, and then chose to use another group to cast aspersions... Nice.

London halls come with very specific instructions for those bringing their own car. Other - probably more serviceable options - include arrival by train/taxi/uber. The websites have all the need to know re what kind of pans for induction hobs and what size the bed is. Usually only the student gets the app, parent/guarantor would only be need access to the app for payment of rent, maybe.

Post something like "Today I've cut the apron strings: I deleted her off Life360, and I won't text her unless she texts me first. May she party loads without me ever finding out!"

Does the group allow anonymous posting?

I work in a university and last week at our department’s freshers welcome session two students turned up with a parent. Perhaps they should have checked with the Facebook group whether that was the right thing to do.