Page 7 | Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

OsfameronTanamoril · Yesterday 09:39

Meanwhile the international students have come from China and India, adapting to a whole new country without handholding.
Asking whether to pack a lunch for your 22 -yr-old is really insane

SilverPink · Yesterday 09:42

Parker231 · Yesterday 08:46

Why did you need to know the useful info on what to take? You weren’t the one doing the packing or moving there?

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To be fair on this, I assume most parents are the ones buying the bedding, towels, kitchen utensils, cleaning stuff, laundry airers…My kids and I went shopping together for all this stuff as I was paying so we made the list together. And we were the ones packing the car to make sure it all fit! So yes, parents do have to have some involvement with that at some level.

MotherofPufflings · Yesterday 09:45

SilverPink · Yesterday 09:42

To be fair on this, I assume most parents are the ones buying the bedding, towels, kitchen utensils, cleaning stuff, laundry airers…My kids and I went shopping together for all this stuff as I was paying so we made the list together. And we were the ones packing the car to make sure it all fit! So yes, parents do have to have some involvement with that at some level.

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But the student should be the one looking for this information and making the list! Parents are there to make helpful suggestions.

redskyAtNigh · Yesterday 09:45

AngelaPoise · Yesterday 09:37

Of course it's a time for independence and growing up - I have never tracked my kids and shudder at a university Facebook parents group, but there's a brutal lack of empathy for parents in this discourse, a refusal to accept some kids do need additional help and support, and a kind of self-important fetish for independence in some parents that starts really early ("my kid got her own hunting knife for her 5th birthday and kills all her own food - imagine coddling her by giving her meals!") It reminds me of that Chris Morris sketch about the parents who can't be bothered to find out why their small son hasn't come home from school.
The conversations online about that woman who admitted to tracking her son were so misogynistic - yes, she was wrong and slightly mad, but the delight in bashing a middle-aged woman showing the symptoms of a real grief and anxiety was tangible. And the whole "I left home and sent a postcard once every nine years" thing - I called my mum pretty much every day (from a phonebox, so effort and 10pences involved) because I loved her, I wanted to talk to her, and I didn't want her to be worried. No burden, no parentifying stress, just a nice bit of my day and actually, recognition that being an adult also involves caring for other people, too. I didn't end up taking her to work with me or any of the other nightmare scenarios posited here. We aren't in an episode of Life Of Earth - we don't just raise our kids and release them into the wild with a kick. Still not joining a Facebook group, though.

I think it's a balance. Some of the parents are way overinvolved and, unless their child has specific needs, it must be suffocating. I think the parents' groups are good sources of general information and support though. On DD's one there have been lots of very reasonable posts asking (for example) for recommendations of nice places for parents to take their children out for lunch and how to support their child who is desperately homesick.

The ones asking how to do things that the student should be figuring out themselves generally do get at least a few responses pointing this out.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · Yesterday 09:48

Renamedyetagain · Yesterday 08:56

Same parents whose kids can't e.g. change a bin, put on a wash, cook a few basic meals, work a dishwasher, mop a floor and change a bed. Helicopter generation.

I think I'm in the minority in that all my school age kids can find for themselves pretty well and make me a gin and tonic/tea and coffee.

I agree.

My DD was quite surprised that her flat mates in halls didn't know how to make basic food for themselves, or know how to work the vacuum cleaner, washing machine or dishwasher. One of the boys had never even used a microwave before and didn't even know how to heat up baked beans!

She had to teach most of them all the basics of how to cook and fend for themselves.

It is shocking how so many of them leave home for uni and don't know how to do some of this stuff.

MotherofPufflings · Yesterday 09:50

Having said all that, I did use the FB group when my DS decided to message me to tell me he might as well come home as failed everything because had handed a blank piece of paper in on turnitin. FB was helpful and apparently, it was a common occurrence, and there was a way of re-sending the correct work. So that was a relief, because I was just about to watch Strictly with a glass of vino and didn’t fancy a five hour drive!

But you just fixed the problem FOR him rather than calm him down and talk through what he could do next, who he could ask at the university for help. I'm not saying you did the wrong thing in that specific situation, but at some point they need to be able to fix their own problems or at least know where to go for help.

OsfameronTanamoril · Yesterday 09:50

redskyAtNigh · Yesterday 09:45

I think it's a balance. Some of the parents are way overinvolved and, unless their child has specific needs, it must be suffocating. I think the parents' groups are good sources of general information and support though. On DD's one there have been lots of very reasonable posts asking (for example) for recommendations of nice places for parents to take their children out for lunch and how to support their child who is desperately homesick.

The ones asking how to do things that the student should be figuring out themselves generally do get at least a few responses pointing this out.

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I wouldn't mind reccos of lunch places.
Wouldn't want 50 photos of other students in their room on their first day though. Or asking ppl to knock on doors!

wouldntyouwanthelp · Yesterday 09:53

TeenLifeMum · Yesterday 00:10

What are you talking about? I’ve not even named the uni. Yes, the group is helpful with parents asking parent type questions, but I’ve been really surprised by the number of parents (about a quarter of the group) who are asking about the social stuff, times events start etc on behalf of their adult dc. It made me realise parenting styles are very different from when I was at uni and my parents just weren’t very involved (loving parents).

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You’ve found a parent who’s posting!!

UncleBryn · Yesterday 09:53

Does this Uni start with an E? I joined a parents group as my DS was supposed to join this year but has deferred and some of the messages from parents are unbelievable! They are so involved I worry how their kids will cope as they are not being allowed to think for themselves. We were less involved when my DS started boarding in Year 9!

Pineneedlesincarpet · Yesterday 09:57

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 08:40

Is it slightly ironic that posters are scoffing about a parents facebook page set up to share advice whilst posting on a parenting site set up to share advice.

Ironic in what way? They are clearly two totally different things. Im assuming everyone on here doesn't have a child at the same university in the same year and we arr discussing us all meeting up at freshers week to discuss pastoral care?

SilverPink · Yesterday 09:59

MotherofPufflings · Yesterday 09:45

But the student should be the one looking for this information and making the list! Parents are there to make helpful suggestions.

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Well yes, true. Mine did have the list and I just added in things they may have not thought about.

Parker231 · Yesterday 09:59

SilverPink · Yesterday 09:42

To be fair on this, I assume most parents are the ones buying the bedding, towels, kitchen utensils, cleaning stuff, laundry airers…My kids and I went shopping together for all this stuff as I was paying so we made the list together. And we were the ones packing the car to make sure it all fit! So yes, parents do have to have some involvement with that at some level.

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DT’s worked out what they would need from the information provided to them by their Uni. They went shopping for it (one visit to John Lewis with my credit card) and then packed it. We dropped off one twin one weekend and the other the next.

Pineneedlesincarpet · Yesterday 09:59

OsfameronTanamoril · Yesterday 09:50

I wouldn't mind reccos of lunch places.
Wouldn't want 50 photos of other students in their room on their first day though. Or asking ppl to knock on doors!

Edited

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Why can't your "child" show you themselves where they would like to take you to lunch? It's their world not yours. They live there for 3 years. Why does a parent need an opinion and need to make the decision.

OsfameronTanamoril · Yesterday 10:03

Pineneedlesincarpet · Yesterday 09:59

Why can't your "child" show you themselves where they would like to take you to lunch? It's their world not yours. They live there for 3 years. Why does a parent need an opinion and need to make the decision.

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Yes, they could. Once they settled in.

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 10:08

Pineneedlesincarpet · Yesterday 09:59

Why can't your "child" show you themselves where they would like to take you to lunch? It's their world not yours. They live there for 3 years. Why does a parent need an opinion and need to make the decision.

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Maybe parents want to go somewhere more salubrious than where students hang out! Most times the question about restaurants is for celebrations, suitable for elderly relatives or dog friendly which your student offspring might not know. People ask similar questions on our local Facebook pages all the time

sunshine314 · Yesterday 10:08

bunnypenny · 21/09/2026 21:48

No it’s not normal but then there was a thread last week where someone called their child’s university at midnight because their child pocket dialled them and then didn’t answer the phone (because said phone was in child’s pocket) and the number of people saying that calling the university at midnight is an entirely sane thing to do was wild.

some people just can’t let go.

Edited

To be fair, it could have been an emergency or sounded like they were being attacked or something.

sunshine314 · Yesterday 10:09

I find it bizarre that I'm being told what my kids need to wear to school at the age of 7! they've been able to dress themselves since start of school. including knowing which are PE days etc. so I really hope what you're saying isn't normal!!

harderthanIexpected · Yesterday 10:10

harderthanIexpected · Yesterday 07:46

I joined a similar FB group just before moving DC1 into halls as a fresher this weekend and you're not wrong OP, it's wild!

My favourite post was from a mother who said how much she has enjoyed meeting the parents of her son's new flatmates, asking them to get in touch with her so that they could set up a parents whatsapp group for the flat so they could "support each other". She had posted the exact name/address of the flat in question. Mercifully no-one had replied at that point.

Mad and intrusive as it all is though, I do have sympathy with parents who are behaving this way. The financial burden of a university education (which typically falls to parents) coupled with the gloomy prospects for graduates means that the stakes feel so much higher than when I was at uni in the 90s. Much easier just to leave them to it when uni was an enjoyable and cheap way to pass a few years for young people who hadn't got their shit sorted out.

Along with the well reported increase in poor mental health in young people and 24/7 connectivity it isn't surprising that many parents are finding it difficult to sit back and let their children figure things out themselves, when the consequences of making mistakes feel so much higher than they did when we were young.

Edited

Adding to my own post... another factor could be that the has been a massive shift in the number of young people going to university, and a much higher proportion parents will not have been to university themselves and will have very little to go on for what a "normal" amount of involvement looks like based on their own experiences in the 90s.

So while I don't think helicopter parenting of young adults is healthy or helpful, I don't lay all the blame on individual parents. I think there are a lot of macro factors that are driving the behaviour.

sunshine314 · Yesterday 10:13

harderthanIexpected · Yesterday 10:10

Adding to my own post... another factor could be that the has been a massive shift in the number of young people going to university, and a much higher proportion parents will not have been to university themselves and will have very little to go on for what a "normal" amount of involvement looks like based on their own experiences in the 90s.

So while I don't think helicopter parenting of young adults is healthy or helpful, I don't lay all the blame on individual parents. I think there are a lot of macro factors that are driving the behaviour.

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I think the helicopter parenting is contributing to poor mental health though... kids need to learn to function on their own from a young age. i fear uni age is too late!

HollyhocksandPeons · Yesterday 10:16

TeenLifeMum · 21/09/2026 21:17

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

This is not normal and that is why today's young adults and not young adults but grown-up children. Parents are doing a disservice.
I know that some parents are also majorly involved in the academic side of things - a person I know is literally doing an architectural degree with her daughter. Step-by-step. Like a study buddy. I kid you not. Not instead of her, as in 'for her', but together with her. She is an architect herself and is on her daughter's case because of 'we can't put a foot wrong' due to tremendous competition (she is a real big-time architect, partner in a bureau, does international work). I have never seen such involvement, ever, but here we go.

Morecoffeeneedef · Yesterday 10:19

I wouldn't call helicopter parenting of young adults 'normal' exactly, but it is quite common!

Autumnsunset4Y · Yesterday 10:21

I'm not in that situation, but as an outsider I can see how a group like that might support parents with the transition.
They are all having the same mixed emotions.
I imagine it will fizzle out in a few weeks once everyone is settled.

Puzzledandpissedoff · Yesterday 10:24

Try being an employer, @TeenLifeMum, and fielding phone calls and even personal visits from mums who "just want a word"

You'd think the helicopter parenting might and at some stage, but sadly not for some of these maniacs

harderthanIexpected · Yesterday 10:24

sunshine314 · Yesterday 10:13

I think the helicopter parenting is contributing to poor mental health though... kids need to learn to function on their own from a young age. i fear uni age is too late!

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Yes indeed, I agree... but it's a shift that is happening at a societal level and is hard to resist or correct at an individual level.

It's ironic that we are much more aware of the importance of building resilience than we were a generation ago (I mean true resilience - a belief in one's own agency and and ability to navigate challenges successfully, not a grim stiff upper lip resilience), but so much less able to actually help our young generation develop it.

StuntNun · Yesterday 10:25

It can be nice to have some backup. My son made contact with a couple of other students whose parents had asked on the university Facebook group about playing D&D. But these parents that are constantly tracking their kid’s location and micromanaging their life worry me. How are young people supposed to become independent if their parents are involved with every aspect of their university experience?