Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

There were loads of parents on the offer day in 1990 when I went. I travelled up on the coach on my own and was surprised to see people’s mums!! I didn’t go to an open day at all, just looked at the prospectuses!

DH and I drove foster son to his halls. Helped him set up his room and put stuff in his 1 kitchen cupboard then took him to shop and bought him his first shop with food but also stuff like salt and pepper, foil, bin bags etc then took him for a late lunch at Wetherspoons then off we went home. He knows we are only a phone call away. This year he's starting year 2 and we did he same in his house share. Thankfully he's found nice people he's made friends with to share house with. I'd be much more worried if he hadn't made any friends in first year. His house is not very nice and his room is tiny and he has to share a bathroom which he hates as he's neurodiverse but DH says he'll appreciate his own large bedroom and bathroom at home even more now. I know foster son was planning to go to some Freshers events and one involved wearing a plain white T shirt as a paint party but other than him asking me to pick.hi. up the plain white T shirt I don't know what other events he did, just he told me he went out every night.

You’ve got me there. I didn’t really! My DD did all her packing and there is always stuff she needs to buy in her Uni city as she forgot to pack.

There was a Times article this week by a mum saying she constantly tracks her uni son and calls him to make sure he follows his schedule. I honestly think its a form of emotional abuse.

It's removing the joy of independence that we know we loved ourselves.

There are certain threads on here that are very similar..... a hilarious one where the mum was asking whether her student offspring needed to take their own washing up sponge! Also, be wary of those who say "we are applying" or "we are moving in on....".
Seriously, how are these crazy parents helping their kids? We were all fine when we were dumped by parents and then it was one letter or phone call per week.....that's how you learn to grow up.

Same parents whose kids can't e.g. change a bin, put on a wash, cook a few basic meals, work a dishwasher, mop a floor and change a bed. Helicopter generation.

I think I'm in the minority in that all my school age kids can find for themselves pretty well and make me a gin and tonic/tea and coffee.

What i notice from many of these stories as well as on a similar Facebook group for my DCs' secondary school, is not just the over involvement but, arguably, the incompetence of the parents too. Needing to call a lecturer to ask abojt a skirt for a job interview? Even if you dont know immediately, this is easily figured out by asking around or the Internet. Ditto lunch in a canteen - unless this young person was working in outer Siberia, it seems unlikely that there isn't SOMEWHERE to buy a sandwich.

If the grown ups dont know this, or how to find the answers, what hope is there for their children?!

There was a woman on our school Facebook page asking how to handle bullying. I mean, surely thats obvious - call the school?!

When I worked at a uni the amount of calls I would get from parents was insane. And then getting really angry with me as I couldn’t give them information as they are over 18.

*fend for themselves but also find things! My friend is the opposite and was dumbstruck when they were merrily throwing flour and eggs around at 5 and 7. Let them experiment and fuck it up, they soon learn.

What on earth did you say? That’s horrifying!

I think some young adults find the transition easier than others.
Moving away from home is a big thing at 18.
It must be hard for parents if they get distressed calls from their children.

My children loved university but were delighted that they didn't have to move away.
They have post university happily moved out.

I think there is a huge amounts of anxiety out there, that unless your child suffers from it, you are blessedly unaware.

OMG this is insane. What is wrong with these people.

What’s the point of this site then? Many posters ask on here what to do about bullying

I was a child of the 70s where parenting style was pretty much benign neglect so parents weren’t going to be as involved if you were in the minority that went to university.

Parenting styles have changed, more young people go to uni, get into huge amounts of debt and many parents have to help finance their offspring, so parental involvement is going to change. Also universities involve parents at Open Days. But there are parent groups for everything now, starts at primary, many hobbies and activities will have have group WhatsApp’s etc. Mumsnet wouldn’t exist if parents weren’t wanting advice.

Obviously some parents are too involved and need to take a huge step back.

But I am not going to lie, having DS be able to FaceTime us every week from the comfort of his student digs is lovely. And I am glad he can do that (and it’s his choice) and not have to stand in the rain waiting for a pay phone. And getting random messages on the family WhatsApp. Getting the right balance is important

My kids used to moan and complain when they lived at home and I 'made them' change their own beds, do their laundry, cook meals etc.

My proudest parenting moment was when my younger son rang me from uni to tell me that he'd had to teach many of his cohort how to work a washing machine and he and his sister (two years older and at the same uni) used to hold big 'home cooked dinners' for their friends who couldn't cook!

I needed this desperately. My university days is where my mental health truly unravelled, turns out I was ND but didn't know it at the time. As autism rates have increased I don't think it's unreasonable for more parental involvement, I know my eldest will have trouble at first and I plan to do everything I can to encourage her not to bed rot and actually engage with the social side.

If the student stays over at someone's halls they have started dating I bet the mum phones to ask what's happening

🤣

I am not at that stage yet but this is bonkers! I went to uni age 17 and my mum knew only what I told her. I did everything including sorting out loan etc. So weird to be so involved!

My husband drove himself to uni in his tiny car with a bag of stuff. His father taking him was never discussed. I think that's rather too hands off, but he's an "interesting" man 😅

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I went to uni with my motorbike, a rucksack and a tankbag, containing clothes, a towel and some basic stationery. My parents maintained a stony faced silence because they didn't approve and I didn't see them again until xmas.

I helped my ds with packing, made sure he had everything necessary, drove him there & paid for a week's food. He'll be fine. At least he knows he only has to ask for help.

I had a member of staff relocate from a different area of the country, his mum did him a click and collect at Tesco and then posted in a local Facebook group asking where she could get certain items for him ordered that were out of stock there. He was 23!!

Seems to be more normal these days, judging by the amount of threads on here from parents of uni students about fallings out with friends etc. Absolutely bizarre.

Mamas boys indeed. DD lived in one uni house with 3 other girls and one boy. When it came time to move out guess which one got their mum to come and do their cleaning?! 🙄

Of course it's a time for independence and growing up - I have never tracked my kids and shudder at a university Facebook parents group, but there's a brutal lack of empathy for parents in this discourse, a refusal to accept some kids do need additional help and support, and a kind of self-important fetish for independence in some parents that starts really early ("my kid got her own hunting knife for her 5th birthday and kills all her own food - imagine coddling her by giving her meals!") It reminds me of that Chris Morris sketch about the parents who can't be bothered to find out why their small son hasn't come home from school.
The conversations online about that woman who admitted to tracking her son were so misogynistic - yes, she was wrong and slightly mad, but the delight in bashing a middle-aged woman showing the symptoms of a real grief and anxiety was tangible. And the whole "I left home and sent a postcard once every nine years" thing - I called my mum pretty much every day (from a phonebox, so effort and 10pences involved) because I loved her, I wanted to talk to her, and I didn't want her to be worried. No burden, no parentifying stress, just a nice bit of my day and actually, recognition that being an adult also involves caring for other people, too. I didn't end up taking her to work with me or any of the other nightmare scenarios posited here. We aren't in an episode of Life Of Earth - we don't just raise our kids and release them into the wild with a kick. Still not joining a Facebook group, though.

Surprised nobody has mentioned the plethora of "support" threads for parents on the Higher Education board. Absolutely bonkers.

One of the popular night clubs at DD's uni is right next to the river and trackers will show that your DC is in the river if they go to this night club.

I always felt that the panic parents must feel if they see this, is karma for the need to obsessively track your adult's child movements.

And, actually I don't know why students allow their parents to keep tracking them. I hope they end up less "conditioned" after 3 years away.