Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

Definitely sounds over involved - and neither of mine would have tolerated that. If I needed more details about anything, I always made them find out. Surely that’s the whole point of them going away…..??
Just think some parents can’t pull away….

Sounds bonkers!
I was at university in the 1980s so communication amounted to a weekly call from the pay phone. I have much more contact with Dd- calls, WhatsApp etc but no contact with any of the parents of her flatmates/friends.

Its not normal, but it is common. The increasing and depressing infantilisation of students year olds is partly why I changed sector. If I wanted to become a school teacher I'd have done that.

No, of course its not all students year olds or all parents but its absolutely a trend and its getting worse. The first time a parent phoned my office trying to dispute a grade on behalf of their adult child I was astonished. By the time I left academia it was - not common, but no longer an anomaly.

We were not even that involved in choosing the uni our DD went to. She asked for our opinion and wanted to discuss it with us but ultimately the choice of where she went was left to her.

She went to the open days on her own, with friends and then came back and we asked her what her thoughts were.

She found her own place in halls, her own house for 2nd year and now her own apartment for her 3rd year, only asking for our thoughts and opinions if she needed them.

We allow her to make her own decisions and not get too involved and she is happy with things that way too. She knows she can ask us for anything, for help or advice or opinions if she wishes. Other than that we allow her to 'adult'.

I don't know her timetable other than she has no early starts this year which she is pleased about.

When we did drop off in her first year we helped her in with her stuff and then she encouraged us to leave her to it, which we did.

I don't think being over invested is healthy.

I think, as long as our DC's know that we would get more involved, and we would help and advise if they need us to, then we let them find their own way.

It’s weird as well because it is so much easier to for the students to find info - I was amazed at the online stuff, DSA, pre arrival info, groups set up. I just arrived and had to navigate boards in rooms, timetables on A4 stuck up randomly etc.

DT’s have finished Uni now but would have been horrified if we had this level of involvement. It’s like parents who have phone trackers for their Uni and adult children - weird!

I read this . Blinkers! Another replied and said that they would phone their DC every morning to wake them up 😂. Then when questioned said it was more for them than their offspring. I thought this person was batty. Talk about not letting go…

It obviously depends on the group of parents in it, I’ve not seen any oversharing on one I’m on.
For all the sneering about these groups if something serious happens to dc and you are 4000 miles away having people quickly able to say dc can get help here & here when you are clueless re local police/nhs/victim support/uni support services is helpful.
I have a friend who works in graduations at a uni. They’ve had several students kill themselves. It’s a campus uni often mentioned as good for ND so I suspect rates are higher due to students they attract but if a group helps one parent with a yp in crisis then surely that’s a good thing.

It is ridiculous, but it is also concerning. Young people need to be allowed to grow up and figure things out for themselves.

It is no wonder that we have so many anxious young people when their own parents are constantly sending the message that they are incapable of managing anything by themselves.

Will they still be doing this when they enter the world of work…?
Probably!

My son last year employed the same tactic as I did with my parents when I started uni which is for the parent to be a driver to the uni, assist with moving boxes and then be sent straight home. I did want to make his bed up but was given short shrift. And now uni life is entirely his world and I have no involvement which is as it should be.

He did live and work abroad in his gap year so he's very independent and also works in the hols to make sure he is even more independent. Parents are still needed occasionally but only when asked for help. I'm so pleased. It's a good thing and shows hes a functioning adult. I cannot imagine a whatsapp group for parents at a uni. I'd feel unless the child has special needs it would be a great imposition on my child.

Dd19 in 2nd year at university. No facebook groups here and she was always told we wouldn't call so she could choose how much contact she wanted. She called loads - mainly when cooking.
She had so much information in the student pack and there was a parent pack so I have never needed to ask questions .
When she suffered a bereavement I almost called the university, but she ended up calling the GP and speaking to her director of studies herself and getting the help she needed .She is autistic and she knew we would visit whenever she needed that 1st term which she used several times and I slept on her floor one night due to the bereavement .Some of our children need more support at different times. Not sure how a facebook group would have been any help at all. I think she would have disowned me if I had asked someone else's kid to befriend her.

Isn't it called helicopter parenting . I'd say not normal and I'd come off the group .

Reading some of the pps, I was thinking back to my uni days and I hardly ever saw parents around during term time, just at the beginning and end. Communication was mainly by phone and letters (remember them?). Must have been because in my first year hall there was a place where post was put.

Def did not do this! DS had some quite bad MH issues so we were involved with wellbeing etc but that’s different.

Can’t believe a parent came to freshers - that’s insane.

For a regular student w no health issues it’s nuts - check out WIWKAU for the full crazy!!

No that’s crazy. I’d leave the group. I don’t know what events are on in Freshers week.

In a lot of cases the DC who “need help” with finding out what is on, are the ones whose parents need to step back the most.

Obviously some exceptions for additional needs.

An 18 year old is an adult. If youre 4000 miles away there's not much you can do. And theyre at a university not thrown out of a helicopter in the wilderness to survive.

They need to go through the hard stuff and hopefully come out of the other end and realise they can do it themselves.

Exactly. We lived 5000 miles away from ds when he was at university.

I am a lecturer but neither of my DCs are likely to go to university. This isn't generally annoying but now I want to join one of these groups for a laugh!

It’s bonkers on there. I only joined for useful info on what to take etc. now I just stay for the shits and giggles.

Is it slightly ironic that posters are scoffing about a parents facebook page set up to share advice whilst posting on a parenting site set up to share advice.

DS2 is at Uni. He needed a bit more support at the start of his first year as he is visually impaired. Most of that support came from the Uni’s own disability support team once he had found them. Even with that we weren’t as involved as some of the parents the OP is referring to.

He is back at Uni now for his next year and we haven’t heard from him since we dropped him off so I am assuming everything is ok unless I hear otherwise.

Unbelievable 🤣🤣🤣

Why did you need to know the useful info on what to take? You weren’t the one doing the packing or moving there?

How will these young adults ever develop any resilience or independence with parents like these?