Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

My boy WhatsApped me at 11.30 in Freshers week. He was in the library trying to sort out his parking.
I explained that freshers week was a introduction to new people, uni life, sex, drugs and booze!!

What an absolute swot !!!🤪🤣😃

This isn’t at all normal, they’ve obviously raised children who have no thinking skills whatsoever or are completely pushy parents. I’d come out the group or stop looking, they are acting pathetic.

Have you had the queries about are they allowed air fryers in room? And what can you use to put photos on wall if blue tac not allowed and where to put all the Tupperware boxes of frozen homemade meals because you only get one drawer in the freezer. Then the shoe box of envelopes: what to do when you’re feeling…

I actually saw one yesterday on my kid’s uni parents FB asking how to move hall’s floor because had DD had nothing in common with housemates. She hadn’t actually moved in yet, this was based after joining a WhatsApp group chat.

it all made me feel a bit mean that I’d dumped my kid off with the Ikea kitchen box and his bedding last year and said, “See you at Christmas.”

Having said all that, I did use the FB group when my DS decided to message me to tell me he might as well come home as failed everything because had handed a blank piece of paper in on turnitin. FB was helpful and apparently, it was a common occurrence, and there was a way of re-sending the correct work. So that was a relief, because I was just about to watch Strictly with a glass of vino and didn’t fancy a five hour drive!

This “moving in day” he’s asked me to help him clean kitchen in house share and talk to the others about not leaving food out. I said, “Won’t I be seen as helicopter mum?” To which, he replied that he didn’t care! Knowing his low housework standards, I am bracing myself for this kitchen. He’s offering me dinner at Wagamama if I help sort it😱

So, anyone here with environmental health knowledge?🤮

Not normal, but seems to be more commonplace.

There’s an American fb group called “Parenting beyond the nest” which is just wild. I enjoy lurking; it’s entertaining.

When I was at uni, your parents dropped you off and you were on your own!
However, that didn't mean we were okay.

I'm glad you said that.

People also have to remember that when they bog staff down in this type of call, they are less available for those who really do need help.

If you've real concerns then absolutely contact them but not for every minor irritation or worry.

There is a Facebook group for parents of A level students preparing for uni and the over involvement is mental. I know parents wish they could do it all over again, we all do, but it's their turn now.
We've always been hands off parents, but will drop them at halls with a boot load of stuff. (Some parents deploy car boxes, trailers etc, as though their kids aren't moving to a city which sells everything).
My husband drove himself to uni in his tiny car with a bag of stuff. His father taking him was never discussed. I think that's rather too hands off, but he's an "interesting" man 😅

I think because it's so easy to stay in touch these days, some parents feel it's wrong not to remain involved in their student children's lives. In the 80s, obvs it was much harder to stay in touch. There were pay phones in my halls but I never used them. My parents used to write letters to me occasionally.
I work in a uni now. We probably only get one call a week from a parent - with whom we can't discuss anything personal anyway.

Were they allowed to stay?

I think it's just different now: parents are more involved and technology makes it easier.

My daughter is a lecturer for post grads in a well known university - she and her colleagues are contacted ALL THE TIME by parents for the silliest of things. - yes, these students are 21+ so God knows what they were like at 18. A memorable one was ‘ my daughter hasn’t got a skirt so does she need one for a job interview’. JEEZ!! You would think the students would be embarrassed but no they encourage their parents. Sometimes I despair.

I’ve dodged this as DC has deferred, but as others have said, I already found it weird that we were informed about secondary school homework via an app and expected to be involved in making sure they’d done it. My parents had absolutely nothing to do with my management of homework when I was at school—and I’m an extremely disorganised person. If I forgot something, I learned the consequences. At Uni we spoke on the pay phone once a week ish, and they came to visit occasionally. I popped home for the odd weekend. That was it. It didn’t help me become any more organised, but that’s on me.

Your daughter should have found out any info needed or you just deal with it on the day like most people.

I’ve never heard anything like this but then I left my son to get any info needed and he passed things onto us that we needed to know about logistics. He keeps in touch regularly and lets us know how things are going, but we don’t intrude or join Facebook groups.

It’s ironic that you’re doing similar to them but just because you wouldn’t take it as far, you think you’re so different.

We are involved and interested parents, but information comes from our children. To look for or pass info around about them on groups with other parents is overstepping.

God! My DC would have hated this intrusion into their Uni adventures!!! It smacks of controlling coercive parenting.

I think this about the WIWIKAU facebook page which I joined for a matter of days before running away from. But other people seem to love it. People were very over involved.

Are they overseas parents? I was in a group dominated by US parents who struggled with the idea of not being involved in day to day life of their student dc and not having contact with uni, as in US they would.

I remember when I started uni back in the 90s there were lots of people with pagers on their belts just so their parents could bleep them and get callbacks. It became a blight. My parents didn’t contact me once during uni (I contacted them). This helicoptering is really bizarre. Parents need to be able to let go.
I’m currently trying to get my DH to stop freaking out about our 18 year old DD and her welfare/whereabouts/eating schedule/studies it’s driving me round the bend but he can’t seem to let go. I come across as disinterested in comparison.

Incredibly, when my DD1 went to Uni in 2003, there were no WhatsApp groups 🤣. Strangely enough, we managed to figure out what Halls she had been allocated, what the drop off arrangements were, what things she needed to take - in fact all the essential details. It came in an actual letter to her.
For DD2 10 years later there was this thing called the internet and email where all the vital information was easily found.

@SevenYellowHammers This “moving in day” he’s asked me to help him clean kitchen in house share and talk to the others about not leaving food out.
You can do your son's dirty work for him but when will it stop? Will you be calling his boss to have awkward conversations he doesn't have the balls for? Will you be phoning up his wife to say she isn't keeping the kitchen up to his standards?
It's a slippery slope...
Ps. We left food out and got a resident rat. Lesson learnt!

OMFG

Wow. Thats crazy. Good to know before you sign his probation if though…

For as long as I can remember Mumsnet HE threads have had people offering to send their DC to see another Mnetter DC who is lonely at university. Its not a new thing.

My own DC called me recently to ask why the Resident Deposit scheme had written to them all. Not of of them opened or read the information they had been sent!

Crikey. When I went to uni (2008) I got dropped off at my accommodation and DF took me shopping for food, then left. I spent the next 14 days drunk as we settled in and made friends in the accommodation all the while managing to set ourselves up on the systems, register for classes and go through inductions.
apart from termly collections and the odd visit by various parents (met with great fanfare from our friendship group as usually came with treats for the group) the only interaction we had with parents was when we reported one of our accommodation to student welfare as he clearly wasn’t coping and his parents came and removed him around March time in yr1.
I did use my dad as an essay proof reader though, and he blames me for his later in life obsession with history.

In fairness to some of these parents I think quite a few of the very "involved" posts are from parents who didn't go to university themselves and are keen to make sure their DC doesn't stand out because they got something "wrong".

A lot also have neurodivergent children who have more specific need for support. On my uni FB parents group one parent asked if there was a way for her to print out the timetable. Lots of comments about how she really didn't need to until she explained exactly how she would walk her DC through it to make sure they were comfortable, letting them lead but with scaffolding.

but yes, a lot of parents are ridiculously overinvolved. There was a post this week asking if anyone knew how to use the oven in x hall. (It turned out it hadn't been turned on at the wall).

is this related to WIWIKAU
?