Is it normal for parents to be so involved at uni?

[TeenLifeMum]

Dd started uni this month. She’s being great and communicating well, which I really appreciate (but imagine it’ll reduce very soon). Anyway, the uni has a parents of the uni fb group - nothing official. It’s been really helpful understanding moving in processes and how WiFi works etc so I’ve stayed on as an observer.

What’s struck me is the number of parents sharing their dc halls address and saying dd/ds is lonely so can we ask our dc to pop in and see them. Or they’re asking what time certain freshers week events start and how to get tickets etc. then other parents are replying. I couldn’t reply even if I wanted to. I’ve no clue what events are happening when - why on earth would I? That’s the dc’s role to ask questions etc.

It seems very involved in an 18yos life to me but is this now normal?

I'm quite relieved reading this thread. My son finished his degree this year and I almost felt guilty about how involved other parents seemed to be (the whole time, not just at the beginning). I was pretty hands off in comparison.

To start with it never occurred to me to go his uni open days. I gave him the money for train ticket but other than that i just went to work as normal. I was really shocked to hear that parents often go along too. I went to all my uni open days on my own so I assumed that was normal. I don't think my son was the least bit bothered though. He flew to Belfast on his own to visit Queens; a friend of ours told me she was shocked we had "let him do that on his own".

I agree the uni FB parents group was useful for info about parking and tips for nice nearby places to have a meal after drop off, which ones are dog friendly etc. But there were lots of posts fretting about the laundry room, did the YP need coins or buy a token and where from blah blah. My son always seemed to have clean clothes so I can only assume he found out himself.

I've noticed the drop out rate seems really high compared to when I was at uni (early-mid 90s). I can only recall two people dropping out but it seems much more common now - students turning up at halls and saying "no, can't do this" on the first day and getting back in the car. I can't help but wonder if all the parental fretting makes the YPs more nervous about this seemingly terrifying new life they are entering.

When I went to uni I was allocated my room. Now there is so much more choice. Also many parents are financing their DC’s uni journey. And as another poster says communication is much easier and available 24/7. I did weekly phone call, from pay phone in halls, and the three rings method when in student house, letting the phone ring 3 times and then parents calling you back.

Open Days at unis involve parents (don’t know whether that is a chicken and egg situation, so parents started turning up so unis held sessions for them or unis started sessions for parents and so parents came)

Bizarre

He he, this sounds batshit. I too got dropped off and left to it as did everyone else back then. We all survived. One or two struggled but the Uni had services to help. I didn’t want my mum near the Uni, I knew she was at the end of the phone if I needed her. Other than telling her when I would deign to pop back home, and ask for money, I didn’t! You have got to grow up and stand on your own two feet - unless they start letting parents do the exams too…?

Oh the one I joined is the same. Super useful for some info my dc was a bit useless at finding out, but my goodness the constant concerns about contact, friendships, needing someone to knock on doors, plans to go up and stay.

I joined a similar FB group just before moving DC1 into halls as a fresher this weekend and you're not wrong OP, it's wild!

My favourite post was from a mother who said how much she has enjoyed meeting the parents of her son's new flatmates, asking them to get in touch with her so that they could set up a parents whatsapp group for the flat so they could "support each other". She had posted the exact name/address of the flat in question. Mercifully no-one had replied at that point.

Mad and intrusive as it all is though, I do have sympathy with parents who are behaving this way. The financial burden of a university education (which typically falls to parents) coupled with the gloomy prospects for graduates means that the stakes feel so much higher than when I was at uni in the 90s. Much easier just to leave them to it when uni was an enjoyable and cheap way to pass a few years for young people who hadn't got their shit sorted out.

Along with the well reported increase in poor mental health in young people and 24/7 connectivity it isn't surprising that many parents are finding it difficult to sit back and let their children figure things out themselves, when the consequences of making mistakes feel so much higher than they did when we were young.

It’s all relative. I’d consider joining a FB group about an adult’s transition to university to be massively over-involved.

The example about an error in handing in work above is a great example of what an adult of university age should be able to find out with zero involvement from mum and dad.

Nah, dropped ours off and left her to it. She is a fully grown capable young woman who can sort her own life out.

She would be mortified to have 'Mummy's help' to try and navigate everything.

Honestly, at some point we just have to go 'there you go, off you pop' and let them use their own brain to sort things out and use their own tongues to ask questions if they need to.

If you don't let go of the reins they will never learn the skills they need to get by on their own.

It’s a fair point. Things are very different now. I did work, or rather cram like mad just before exams, lol, but we seemed to party and just get pissed for large chunks of my undergrad days. My mum was clear she had done her bit and I needed to knuckle down, get a job after etc, not expect to come back and live with her, and I was totally on board with that.

No. Reassured and asked to leave us to it.
Which they did. Still no idea what they were thinking in coming along in the first place.

I think some parents find it very hard to let go. I’ve had parents email me to find out their child’s timetable and exam results, and while I appreciate they’re coming from a place of care and (perhaps justified) anxiety, their children are now legally adults and own the responsibility for keeping in contact with their family. It’s not school, and I think some parents don’t quite grasp that.

I'm the same. Although my parents did have a phone so I rang them once a week from a payphone. Didn't tell them what I was up to though!

Are people seriously bringing their dogs to move their DCs into halls now? 🙄

They certainly do! (I must add that we don't have a dog but used that as an example of when info could be helpful.)

I have seen posts on Facebook similar to the ones you describe OP and I can’t believe what I’m reading sometimes! So over involved with their DC’s lives, trying to arrange friends for them etc! My DS is starting his second year and there’s no way I was anything like this last year.

I did join a similar fb group when dd went to uni. Didn't get involved apart from answering a few questions I could about the city (I live there).

Definitely saw the type of posts that OP talks about though.

However at the end of Year 3 something quite bad happened on the programme and a lecturer tried to fail 75 out of 80 students on the last module. Someone put an appeal out on the fb group for parents of students on x course and it was useful to talk to other parents as it was a really stressful few weeks.

There are nutters like this mum in attached image all over the place.

I'm on a US FB page for performing arts universities. It is utterly insane how involved some parents get in their childrens choices and decisions.

Dogs-yes, one parent posted about taking the pet into the halls during moving day and thought that all the other flatmates would be delighted. Never mind about people who are allergic, who consider dogs unclean, are frightened, don’t want dogs in the way, feel bad for the dog in the heat (it was a remarkably warm drop off this year) or stinking out the local Travelodge for others. However they it those rooms it is just cleaning fluid over dog smell and itch. Bonkers.

I would imagine that the shift in parents wanting to see the uni before committing is the fact that they are expected to top up the parental income means tested loans to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds.

Possibly from overseas. US colleges have events for parents.

I do think parents nowadays seem to want to be more involved. My DS chose, veiwed the uni and halls on their own because they wanted to. I didn't have any involvement in it at all.

I completely get it! I’m in the same position - some of the stuff is useful, but there is a lot of helicoptering! I was beginning to wonder if I was more heartless than I thought I was….
I think some of the other posters are right, there are probably more people that are less involved - you just don’t see it because they are not the ones that post!

My dc have disabilities so I am more involved in their uni life than the average parent but some of this is ridiculous. I'm very conscious of making sure I don't embarrass them and I think I do an ok job of that.

I think some parents are more involved these days because they are expected to contribute more financially.

That is nuts to me. There was no issue finding out stuff ourselves as students.