Taking two weeks off work for mental health during fertility treatment - what to do with the time?

[SplishSplash123]

I'm taking 2 weeks off work due to physical and mental side effects of fertility treatment. I've already made this decision after discussing with my DH and will call my manager on Monday morning to explain, as well as getting a Fit Note later this week. I'm not here to debate the merits of whether I should have the time off; just sharing this for context, in particular the fact that it's time-limited (I may need further time off in a few weeks if things dont work out - or pregnancy sickness if it does, but will cross that bridge when I get there - right now, two weeks is enough to get me through this current stage).

I've never taken time off for sickness before unless Ive been physically too unwell to work. I would therefore have been in bed, resting or asleep.

Although I do need some time to rest (I already have a toddler so will be prioritising some rest time each morning and before nursery pick-up!), I don't really know how to fill the rest of my days in a way that will stop me feeling guilty about not working, keep me distracted enough to keep my anxiety about the treatment at bay but also not run myself into the ground. There is a huge temptation to write a massive to do list and try to plough through it, which I think won't be helpful. I don't want friends/family to know about the treatment at this point, so won't be able to see anyone and my husband goes out to work all day so I'll be home on my own.

Would love some advice/shared experience from anyone who's taken time off work for mental health, please - what did you do, what helped (or didn't) etc?

In some jobs, like the civil service, the set up is there for staff to avail of any supports.

In other jobs, time off at short notice is a total no-no. And sick leave is frowned upon.

Freelance (which I am), no work no pay. You just have to manage & still produce work.

I think a lot of people feel 'judgey' because you are taking two weeks off for sick leave when you aren't sick. Sick leave isn't just some unlimited entitlement to dip in and out of as you will.

If you are genuinely struggling with your mental health then that's different. However, I would wonder if its the best time to be having IVF if that's the case.

Most women work through the first trimester. To need time off would be the exception not the rule.

Again, you seem determined to twist this into something that isn't true in order to be condescending and rude.

I have never misused sick leave, nor am I planning to. I am not currently able to fulfil the requirements of my role due to the side effects of IVF medication. I need to take sick leave in order to manage these side effects. Based on my treatment plan, I expect the issues will resolve in 2 weeks and I'll be able to return. In my team, it is considered normal to say how long you think you will be off if you are sick - it helps with planning. No one is held to it, as of course things change. A very helpful poster above has given me hope that the medication being added in during the next stage might be able to alleviate the anxiety I'm feeling, so I could need less than a week off it that's the case for me too. I hope it is the case, as I don't want my colleagues having to pick up much while I'm off and I also know I'll come back to lots of work, so it's very much in my own best interests to take off only the time I need until I feel well enough to work again.

You might like to educate yourself by reading some of the posts on this thread from women who have been through IVF. I would also suggest you avoid commenting on things on the mental health board where you have nothing helpful to add.

You haven't started it yet so you don't know how bad the side effects will be. Appreciate you might have had it a few years ago with first baby but every time will be different.

You don't want to listen to any of the many posters who think it's a bad attitude to secretly plan to have 2 weeks sick leave. It will leave your employer and colleagues in the lurch.

If you are really unwell fair enough, but I would be looking at asking if you could work from home/reduced days etc. Not just deciding to have two weeks off.

I've spoken to and helped lots of women on the mental health board in the past. You've not said much about why this is going to impact your mental health, so I'm unable to help.

You seem to act as if your job is really stressful but you've said it's a relaxed civil service job with a lovely manager. It's hard to understand where you are coming from.

I don't think trying to bash every person who responds is a great attitude.

Brilliant that you had a therapist who'd had IVF herself - so good to have someone who understands on a personal level.

Rationally I know that what your therapist is saying is true, at the moment though I'm struggling to let go of some of the anxious thoughts. I've looked up some CBT techniques online to try and break out of the endless rumination cycle as I know it's doing me no favours.

Thanks for sharing re the progesterone. I hope in conjunction with the estrogen it helps, the progesterone I took to induce a bleed was what started the anxiety spiral as well as making me very irritable, and this has really escalated since starting the estrogen (I need a higher dose of estrogen than most women, which isn't helping things either!) You have given me hope that maybe starting the progesterone will calm things down and mean I can get back to work sooner🤞

Thanks again for your really helpful suggestions

Sounds perfect! You've just reminded me I found yoga so helpful last time, there's some fab yoga videos on YouTube specifically for the two week wait - must look them up again. Thank you.

Yes I think this makes sense. Play it by ear. You might feel perfectly fine and want to be back at work. Also even though your work place allows this time off you might need it more in future.. I like to bank good will

.

@SplishSplash123just to say also I’m really shocked by some of the responses on here which are frankly bullying and I’ve reported some. If you're so anxious you will be a shit mum? If you’re so anxious maybe you shouldn’t be doing IVF?! Who are these people!

Oh wow, your journey time is longgg- I thought an hour each way was bad!! I think people fail to appreciate it's all of these little things that add to the stress of an already stressful process; so many appointments, so much uncertainty as to timescales, the inability to plan ahead and the heartache and strain thats already come before.

I'm having a frozen embryo transfer but I have had a previous "full" cycle with a fresh transfer and it is very tough on your body and mind. The mental impact on your partner is also something that's easily overlooked! You sound like you've taken a really balanced approach to things and I'm glad you've been able to take the time you need.

Thanks for the great suggestions. Soup making is a great idea especially!

I hope your work/manager will be supportive about your return and give you a gentle transition back - can you do a phased return to go back on reduced hours/duties for a few days to ease you back in?

I sympathise with a mentally demanding job - complex decision-making is a core part of my role and I know I'm not where I need to be mentally to do my job properly at the moment.

Really hope the 2ww passes quickly and that everything is a success for you 💐

Not at all - the cause of anxiety is often known, and usually carries on beyond a fixed term. For example, it's reasonable and understandable to feel very anxious during fertility treatment, and then during a much wanted pregnancy - which is why it's important to consider now how you'll manage this beyond the 2 weeks and have those conversations with your manager, Occ Health and GP sooner rather than later. Feeling anxious about a situation and having anxiety are quite different and require different interventions.

Thank you so much for the supportive comment and helpful suggestions.

I'm so sorry you lost your first IVF miracle, I cannot begin to imagine the grief and pain you've experienced
So pleased you have been blessed with twins since, and sounds like they are truly blessed to have such a kind and caring mum 💐

I am so greatful not all managers are the same. I have taken the majority of a month off as my dad was dying, my manager has done it as discretionary leave, no further explanation needed, I have worked when I have been able and handed over to colleagues anything urgent that couldn’t wait. If I had had to worry about work as well as my dad I would have been even more broken than I am. As it is I can return to work in a capacity I feel comfortable in. Op I hope all goes well for you

Thanks so much for getting things back on track with helpful suggestions!

It has been so good to see some very similar themes to the ones you've mentioned. I think I was in danger of overcomplicating things and feeling like I needed to efficient/productive with the time in some way, which I can see would be counterproductive. I've been able to adjust my expectations and accept that I just need some time to "be", to quieten my mind and do gentle things.

The helpful replies here, that have actually answered the question I posed and respected my request not to debate the need for time off, have been brilliant. I'm very grateful to the people who have taken time to be supportive.

You seem to be hallucinating facts again!

Where have I said I havent started yet? I actually started taking medication 13 days ago! I am already experiencing the side effects; I am already too unwell to work.

I havent described my job as "relaxed" either. My manager is supportive, yes, but my job is not at all relaxed.

You are making assumptions that aren't true. You are commenting on an aspect of the situation I have specifically asked not to debate. You don't have a full understanding of my issues and are trying to oversimplify something that is very complex.

Please understand that I don't care whether or not you've helped other people - on my issues, you are woefully ill-informed and actively trying to make me feel worse.

I haven't bashed anyone who has been helpful; I have been thankful and am very grateful to those posters.

I absolutely will not apologise for calling out your terrible behaviour, or that of others; I don't let anyone get away with bullying behaviour anymore.

Thank you for reporting. I really hope these posters don't behave like this towards people in real life.

Please do take note of this- anxiety doesn’t stop implantation so worrying about anxiety and the catch 22/revolving thoughts about not being anxious won’t have any effect regardless.
It’s like when people say ‘oh just relax and forget about trying and then you’ll get pregnant’

As if that’s actually scientific!

You can’t control the outcome but you can control a few things around you so I think in that sense I’d lean towards things that take your mind either off it or if it helps you to discuss it with people. So like I suggested before coffee or a walk with a friend. And I love the national trust idea someone had. Or if you live near the coast a walk down on the beach!

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

Thanks for sharing your experience here. It's great that your manager has been helpful. I think you've touched on a really important point here - that being able to take the time you need and having support from work, is often the best way to heal and get back to work faster.

I hope time and space to heal is helping you come to terms with your Dad's passing and, over time, things will feel easier for you. Right now, you're doing enough by doing what you can when you can. Take care.

I do really feel for you, but if you need ideas to fill your time off you don’t really need it so you?

You've misunderstood my question, but no worries Ive had lots of helpful advice already 🙂

Thank you - I think the "being in control" element is a key factor here, that's a useful way to frame things. Would love a beach walk but sadly we aren't nearby! Lots of beautiful woodland nearby though.

I initially dismissed suggestions of seeing friends, as I don't want them knowing about the treatment, but I don't talk about my job a lot outside of work so I doubt they'd question anything if I just said I was owed some leave or something. Thanks for raising this idea again as I think a nice walk and chat would be good to get me out of my own head.

You shouldn’t have mentioned where you work OP - for some reason a lot of mumsnetters have a real issue with public sector workers (then again a number of people on Facebook complain that local council workers earn more than £10 per hour so I suppose it could be worse).

I know quite a few people who have had fertility treatment, some have had varying amounts of time off, some have had none at all apart from for appointments. I don’t think either approach is unusual or that you are doing anything wrong.

If I were you I’d be finding some nice books to get really absorbed in - personally I love thrillers and if it’s a good mystery I absolutely can’t put it down and will read it in a day.

Other than that I would go for a nice browse at the autumn homeware and have a nice pumpkin spice latte.

Also get a free trial for a streaming service you don’t usually have and find a good binge watch.

I hope your treatment is successful and you have lots of support irl unfortunately it’s very easy to be nasty and judgemental behind a screen - I doubt (hope!) many of these posters would say the same to friends and families, you’re just an anonymous person they’ve decided to have a kicking at because you work for the public sector.

Surely you speak to your GP first? That's what I have always done.
I have no issue with time off for mental health but I am confused by how you are approaching this

Ways to relax - getting outside, seeing friends, absorbing hobbies

Very fair points; I think you're probably right about people's motivations.

Agree that there's a whole range of responses to IVF treatment; I've not felt like this during previous rounds, but I would say that while I've never needed time off work previously other than for the appointments themselves, I've never doubted anyone else who's told me they've needed time off during/after IVF as it is a brutal process.

Autumn homeware browsing is a great shout. Also a big fan of thrillers! Pumpkin scented candle, a trip to the library and an afternoon on the sofa with a good book feels like a good way to occupy and slow down my mind.

Thanks for your kind words and helpful perspective.

It is possible to self-certify for 7 days first, so no need to trouble the GP.
I know the cause of my issues and its not like the GP can alter my medication, or give me anything else to help. I've already arranged counselling via the IVF clinic.

There's a possibility that I don't need a Fit Note if I feel able to return to work sooner. As said in one of my previous responses, the two weeks seemed a sensible estimate based on my treatment plan but someone has helpfully explained that the next meds that will be added in might make me feel a lot better than I feel right now; I'm really hoping this is the case, for everyone's sake!

To be honest, it's just occurred to me that I might be able to get a Fit Note from the clinic themselves rather than troubling my GP if I needed it, too.