Taking two weeks off work for mental health during fertility treatment - what to do with the time?

[SplishSplash123]

I'm taking 2 weeks off work due to physical and mental side effects of fertility treatment. I've already made this decision after discussing with my DH and will call my manager on Monday morning to explain, as well as getting a Fit Note later this week. I'm not here to debate the merits of whether I should have the time off; just sharing this for context, in particular the fact that it's time-limited (I may need further time off in a few weeks if things dont work out - or pregnancy sickness if it does, but will cross that bridge when I get there - right now, two weeks is enough to get me through this current stage).

I've never taken time off for sickness before unless Ive been physically too unwell to work. I would therefore have been in bed, resting or asleep.

Although I do need some time to rest (I already have a toddler so will be prioritising some rest time each morning and before nursery pick-up!), I don't really know how to fill the rest of my days in a way that will stop me feeling guilty about not working, keep me distracted enough to keep my anxiety about the treatment at bay but also not run myself into the ground. There is a huge temptation to write a massive to do list and try to plough through it, which I think won't be helpful. I don't want friends/family to know about the treatment at this point, so won't be able to see anyone and my husband goes out to work all day so I'll be home on my own.

Would love some advice/shared experience from anyone who's taken time off work for mental health, please - what did you do, what helped (or didn't) etc?

@AnotherDayAnotherWay But women I know have gone through this and have not planned to take sick leave in advance! I’ve certainly got compassion if people truly cannot work but this is planning sickness and it might not be needed. It’s very calculated because the employer will agree.

Calling out someone for swinging the lead doesn’t mean they don’t have compassion for this process.

Journalling, making artist dates for yourself as in the Artist’s way, long walks, read thr Cazalet chronicles, make your house lovely

don’t fall into infertility Reddit or Mumsnet. Set a time limit of twenty minutes a day to worry about infertility and research. From someone who’s going through repeated early pregnancy loss this is the only way x

Yes. This is part of the reason I want to leave a civil service-adjacent job. The culture suits some but definitely not others.

Thank you so much for your helpful advice and understanding 💕

Really pleased things worked out well for you and that you were able to do what you needed to do to ensure you could take care of yourself and give yourself the best possible chance of success.

Thank you.
I'm so sorry you've experienced multiple losses 💐
Completely agree re no/limited engagement with online discussions about infertility and loss. They can help for a little while but I also learned the hard way that they can really mess with your head too. Hence me posting on the mental health board - but sadly there's some really nasty people on here!

I'd love to show your daughter your posts on here, so she knows to find other sources of support in case she ever has a hard time in her life.

I am a mum and I am capable of working when I'm not taking multiple hormone tablets that affect my mental state. You are commenting about something you know nothing about and making up facts to suit your own agenda.

I think some people have read this as I’m well enough to work now but think I will be unwell later on so have planned when I will need 2 weeks off.

Rather than, my IVF treatment has left me too unwell to work, I think I will need about 2 weeks off, but I need light stuff to do to keep my brain and hands busy that isn’t over taxing.

Could you wfh? Then you’d have some sort of routine. The danger is if you’ve just got endless amounts of time on your hands you’ll end up sitting in your thoughts and become more anxious.

Are you actually to unwell to work though?
You mention mental health but nothing in what you are saying or the fact this is all preplanned is suggesting you're actually too ill to work
Sounds like you want a break and that's what annual leave is for but because you've got generous sick pay arrangements you feel entitled to benefit from them.
Maybe explore counselling and mental health support options to help with any symptoms - and if you have those in place review them.
Good luck with your IVF though

I have been through IVF and my dr recommended not taking any extra time off. Anyway, it worked. I hope it works for you too op!

What's privileged is being able to just have sex and get pregnant like millions of people every day.

If you haven't had fertility treatment, or you were lucky enough to have it paid for and it worked first time, then jog on.

(Signed, someone who had multiple rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages and paid £25k for the privilege and was absolutely destroyed by it)

Thank you for such thoughtful suggestions, I really do appreciate the support. Fab that you found comfort in visiting National Trust properties, they are always so interesting to visit!

I'm having a frozen embryo transfer in a medicated cycle, hence the anxiety from the meds and the worry about anxiety affecting implantation.

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time after your egg retrieval, which must have been even harder coming on the back of endo surgery. Funnily enough I wasn't too bad after any of my egg retrievals, other than mild OHSS, which just goes to show how we can all react differently to these things.

If you're anxious - and that's understandable - then it won't resolve in 2 weeks. Mental health conditions are unpredictable and can last many weeks or months, or even years. What other approaches have you taken to manage this anxiety? What is it about your job specifically that your anxiety is preventing you from doing, and what adjustments could you put in place? How will you manage work once your fit note of 2 weeks is up? Have you requested an OH referral and been referred to other support services in your organisation? These are all perfectly reasonable questions for you, your GP and your manager to ask.

Thank you for this.
I am very conscious that you live with mental health conditions day in day out and yet you have still managed to have compassion for someone like me who is usually mentally well, but having a specific struggle at the moment.
I really appreciate you articulating the need to take time off now to address the problem; I think that's helped me fully appreciate why I feel I need the time off.
I.e. I am not well enough to function properly at work at the moment, and I am in a state of spiralling anxiety because the more anxious I get the more I worry it will impact my treatment. If I don't do anything to try and alleviate the anxiety, then I will carry so much guilt if things don't work out and I am fearing it is because the cortisol in my system has resulted in a hostile environment for the embryo.

I have made the mistake in the past of "just getting on with things" when physical/mental health hasn't been great and I know it ultimately ends up in a much longer and slower recovery period. Indeed, I actually manage someone with a mental health condition and am supportive of them having the odd day off here and there when they are too ill to work; I always say to them that taking a day off to get themselves back on track quickly is much better for them and for work.
Really appreciate your insight here, thank you.

@SplishSplash123I’m glad your were ok after the retrieval! It is mad how it impacts people differently. I had friends who had no side effects and another of my friend’s needed a month off work!

I also did a frozen transfer / fully medicated cycle.

On anxiety my therapist (who herself did IVF) made some really helpful points. She said it’s impossible to go through IVF without anxiety and IVF just wouldn’t exist if anxiety stopped implantation. Also women in war zones and rape get pregnant, it doesn’t stop implantation.

For the transfer, I found the oestrogen only phase made me very anxious (and so irritable, I had a dream I was just arguing with different people and my husband said I was shouting in my sleep that night!). Then as soon as they added in the progesterone it was a huge chill pill and a massive relief. On the day of the transfer I almost felt a bit thrown as I was expecting to be frantic (don’t get me wrong I wasn’t exactly happy and relaxed but just not as anxious as I would have expected). I would have found it hard to be physically very anxious on the progesterone. It took me about a week to adjust to the progesterone and then I started to get the ‘normal’ IVF anxiety back about 3 days after the transfer. Hopefully the progesterone works as a bit of a chill pill for you too! Look up how it works on the central nervous system, it’s a bit of a sedative

My clinic said to put your feet up for 24 hours post transfer as that’s the most important time biologically. Not bed rest just Netflix. I pottered around the flat for 3 days and then found getting out helped a lot. Just doing nice things and taking it easy.

Wishing you all the best for it xx

I did this too and it was transformative. Lots of deep resting - gentle yoga classes, no social media, feel good films, nourishing food etc xx

Hi OP, I’m a little further on than you in treatment but I took two weeks off for the retrieval week and transfer week. I was lucky enough to manage most monitoring scans around flexi working but my husband had to take each day off as we had to travel 2.5 hours each way to our clinic.

ignore everyone who is giving advice that hasn’t been through IVF, they have no idea what you’re experiencing. My husband and I constantly say to each other we completely underestimated the physical and mental strain it would take on us, it’s been much harder than we thought. While I did have side effects from the stimulation jags, I’ve found the progesterone and post egg retrieval harder so if you need more time, please do take it! Stress is one of the most important factors.

I tried my best to prepare for post retrieval by preparing meals, soup has been very popular in our house as lots of goodness. You are encouraged to avoid/limit processed foods so using time to prepare healthy options is a good use of time. I’ve listened to lots of podcasts while doing this.

gentle walks are good for blood flow. I enjoy knitting and reading so have done lots of that, I’ve also been exhausted so made sure I had plenty of time to completely rest. I’ve watched tv a lot! I also booked myself a massage pre retrieval and a facial post retrieval for some self-care.

Anything that is gentle and improves your wellbeing is good. I’m due back to work tomorrow and I’m anxious about how it’s going to be as I’m definitely not my usual self, I’m bloated and uncomfortable, and my mind is not as sharp as usual, plus I am exhausted! My manager knows why I’ve been off and has told me not to rush back if I’m not ready but I want to at least try. She is very understanding, as is everyone in my sector of the council I work in so I’m very well supported in that department. I couldn’t imagine telling my managers that I was taking time off and them having any problems with it, perhaps it’s because we work in a very mentally demanding role but if you’re not 100% you can’t give that to the job and that’s important.

best of luck with your treatment, fingers crossed for you! Please put yourself first and take as much time as you need x

It's not great reading through some of the responses on here - OP didn't ask for judgement on her state of health nor public service absence policies. Why can't we just trust her to have understood her own mental health and what she feels capable of and in need of right now? The lack of support on a mental health board is horrific.

I have been through IVF twice - it is extremely stressful on both mind and body. Why wouldn't you want to relieve all other pressures to make it somewhat bearable if you could, and luckily OP can. Supportive HR policies and Managers (as the OP seems to have) is something for us all to celebrate as women. It wasn't always like that.

If you've never been through IVF, you have no idea. My first round of IVF was successful but sadly my daughter died suddenly at 35 weeks. Going through the second round of IVF was horrendous, but I now have twins, so I'm super blessed. I didn't take time off during the treatment but I absolutely would have done if I had needed to, I took 4 months off sick during the resulting pregnancy though. My priority was ensuring those babies both came out alive.

OP - my suggestion is to read books! lie on the sofa, or go to a coffee shop, drink tea and read books. Not just any books, but uplifting stories of hope and joy - read books about people overcoming difficult stuff, read philosophy, read the Stoics, read trashy novels that restore your faith in good things and good times ahead. They are coming your way. Also, write a journal - something you can share with your baby(ies) when they are old enough to understand what you went through to bring them safely into the world. Wishing you good mental health and lots of luck.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time, and that the thread has been derailled by people questioning the need for the time off.

To answer your question -what should you do with the time? It's obvious to me that you should spend the time doing activities which support your mental health, and will support you when you are back at work.

So, I would focus on doing the things which I know help me, (the things which you know help or stress you might be different).
Without structure, I could easily veg and doomscroll all day, which doesn't actually help.

I would go for a walk every morning to start the day, because exercise and daylight help me.

I would plan one activity per day
e.g. batch cooking, because I hate the daily grind of dinner,
meeting a friend, or planning a social event for later.
Going to the garden centre and planting some pots

I would consciously allow myself time to rest (because I'm not good at it), watching TV, doing a hobby or reading.

I was try to be strict on my bedtime.

I'm not suggesting you need to do the same, because the things that help you might be different, so these are just my examples.

Best wishes, I hope it goes well for you.

This is a fair observation actually, thank you for sharing. Your second paragraph is a good summary of the true picture.

To be clear though - this does not excuse the posters who have been very rude to me.

You've jumped to some unsupported conclusions here; I haven't shared a full explanation as I'm not asking AIBU!

Yes, I am too unwell to work and I expect this will be the case for the next two weeks (although I will return to work sooner if able to do so).

I have already arranged some counselling sessions as I agree this may be helpful.
Thanks for your good wishes.

My clinic say extra time off is not needed as standard, but to take time off if the specific symptoms experienced require it.

Glad yours worked; I also had a successful round previously (I have a toddler) and didn't need any sick leave for that round (or the previous unsuccessful rounds before that). This time I'm having a very different experience unfortunately.

I am so sorry you've come across this thread and some of the awful comments here, I am truly shocked that people can be so ignorant and unkind!

I hope wherever you're at in your journey now, you are healing from the trauma. Thanks for being supportive and trying to educate people 💐

Appreciate this would all be very relevant if the cause of the anxiety was either unknown or would be continuing.
Once I am off the medication and the treatment is over, I would expect my anxiety levels to subside.
If for any reason they didn't, I would explore all the things you've mentioned, but right now I just need to get through the next 2 weeks.