I think I've gone a bit mad, but not enough to do anything about.

[Smellyoldowls22]

So, last 11 months I've had PND/PNA really badly, felt very low.

I've started to feel bad again, wishing I was dead etc.
But I've also started to believe there's a fractal world just under the surface of this world. That everything is fractals, and they're the base unit of the universe. And if you scratched the surface of this world you would reveal the fractal world. I know that if I did die I would just go to the fractal world, so in a sense there would be no escape.
I don't really know how to explain it. I feel very agitated.
At the same time I know this sounds ridiculous, so I'm probably not actually psychotic.

I just wish I could feel normal and un-anxious again. I hate living like this.

Have you considered asking your GP about epilepsy?

@Smellyoldowls22 you describe yourself as being “a bit mad” and I have to agree with you that your current preoccupations are not normal. Reality is not fractals & it’s not normal to have hallucinations unless on drugs.
You may be suffering from a temporary breakdown, I really think you need to seek help from your doctor and tell them everything you have told us. I hope you’re ok, it’s good that at least you are self aware enough to see that what you’re experiencing at the moment could be described as a bit mad.

Hia op

Please call the mh team tomorrow and tell them about this - this isn't usual and the fact you know you are suffering pnd is great insight - but you urgently need some help with these thoughts - urgently . Don't leave it for another day - call tomorrow please and talk this through with the crisis team if yku can't get hold of your cpn . If this was all usual then everyone would share the same thoughts - but it's not usual - it's indicative of a downturn in your health and really needs addressing urgently . Please do reach out tomorrow.
X

Op, the funny thing about being mentally unwell is that you can be completely aware that you sound irrational, but that doesn't stop you from having symptoms. When my anxiety gets really bad I can see just how paranoid and unreasonable I'm being, but that doesn't mean I can actually do much to stop my brain from reacting that way, iyswim? The same way you can't stop a stress headache even though you know there's no damaging physical stimuli for your brain to be warning you about.

I can see fractals existing from a philosophical or theoretical standpoint, but I've never seen any fractals, or pumpkins, for myself. Not even when waking up. Like PP have said, I really think you should speak with your doctor about this. Best wishes.

This is a good response. Yeah fractals are a thing (not ‘delusions’ or made up, just a bit of an obscure topic). It is an interesting topic and there is nothing wrong with taking an interest. However it sounds like you feel a bit uncomfortable with the intensity of your thoughts at the moment OP. How are you feeling today? X

It's also not the end of the world to go a little bit mad for a while — a lot of the time it's really manageable with a bit of help from the experts, and you're back to normal before long. While there is a lot of "mental health awareness" stuff around now, one thing that people still don't talk about very much is the more unusual experiences. They're quite common and can happen for a lot of different reasons, but you do need to get help with it, to help pull you out of it and make sure you're feeling better as soon as possible.

Hi OP, hope you're doing ok. I wonder if your anxiety has increased as you are about to be signed off by the MH team. That is completely normal, you are about to lose an important relationship in your life, but they are there for you currently and they need to know your thoughts as it might not be quite time for you to leave their care. Take care of yourself.

Thanks so much for all your kid wishes everyone.
I've tried to ring the perinatal team today but can't get through yet.
I feel ok but very anxious and agitated.

I mean on a lighter note it sounds fascinating. I'm doing a maths degree but haven't got to fractals yet! So I was immediately intrigued by your post.

Haha. I feel kind of sorry for you if you haven't seen them! They really are indescribably complex. Like maths in action I guess.

Watch out you'll be dragging me into it next 😋. Next thing you know we'll be setting up some sort of weekly fractal appreciation club.

Do you mean that pixilated vision you sometimes get when you first wake up or are falling asleep? Is that what you call fractals?

If so, I get all the time when I'm just staring at something, though it was just my eyes. Can be the middle of the day. If I stare at the carpet for too long it's like I can see things moving very fast, shooting about, it's hard to describe. Like lines moving about very very quickly..

thought

I think I know what you mean - like when you rub your eyes too hard and you see all the shapes? I've always assumed that's the eyes/brain being dodgy, not the nature of reality.

It's also especially bad for me when my iron levels are really low (which is often), so I'm mentioning that as a physical thing that you could get checked if possible?

Just checking in OP to say that I hope you managed to get through to the mental health team in the end and are doing OK.

Kind of @codehelp I presumed it was my eyes too. I get it the most when I stare at carpets. It's kind of fun 😂 seeing everything dashing about.

They could be visual migraines. I used to have them until I started taking blood pressure medicine. Then they went away.

A complete physical with blood work probably would be a good thing when you can.

I'm a bit of a fractal fan. I use them as a meditation to relax. Maths Town on youtube has the most beautiful ones. Slow the speed down to .75 to enjoy them.

You do meet the criteria for mh support. Please contact them and be honest about your beliefs.

How are you getting on OP @Smellyoldowls22 ?