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Original poster

I think I've gone a bit mad, but not enough to do anything about.

120 replies

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 19:27

So, last 11 months I've had PND/PNA really badly, felt very low.

I've started to feel bad again, wishing I was dead etc.
But I've also started to believe there's a fractal world just under the surface of this world. That everything is fractals, and they're the base unit of the universe. And if you scratched the surface of this world you would reveal the fractal world. I know that if I did die I would just go to the fractal world, so in a sense there would be no escape.
I don't really know how to explain it. I feel very agitated.
At the same time I know this sounds ridiculous, so I'm probably not actually psychotic.

I just wish I could feel normal and un-anxious again. I hate living like this.

OP posts:
Absolutelyguttedxmas · 30/10/2022 22:11

When my depression was at its worst, I believed there were cameras in my bedroom and my life was like the Trueman Show. I believed it for about a year or so but I didn't tell anyone, I knew it was weird. But I KNEW they were there.
I started medication and somehow it slipped away and stopped being reality.
No cameras, of course.

Daisy62 · 30/10/2022 22:12

Have you got another adult with you tonight OP? If not, you really need to reach out to someone tonight - in case the delusions head into psychosis. Speaking from experience, it's easy to think you can keep a lid on psychosis... until you can't!

ThreeLocusts · 30/10/2022 22:12

OP I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. As PPs said, you need the perinatal mh team to keep you in their care, perhaps even escalate it. Please contact them ASAP. Whether this is best done through the GP or otherwise you'll know.

I think you also need to tell your kids' father, if he is in the picture at all, or another adult who is close to you and can have an eye on you in case you start wanting to act somehow on your delusional thoughts.

You know, I can see that there's something quite beautiful in seeing fractals everywhere. I think of fractals when I see those odd green cauliflowers that seem to be made up of loads of pyramidal shapes of increasing size. They're pretty.

But fractals are a geometrical concept that is very manifest in some plants, crystals and similar. They're not the substance of the world. You seem to struggle to make this distinction, and that's worrying, especially with thoughts of dying creeping in too.

Will light a candle for you.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 30/10/2022 22:14

@beastlyslumber is on the right track in that hypnopompic (waking) hallucinations can take the form of fractals and then form faces or the outline of people etc. My eldest DD21 has had this since she was a child, when she's stressed they get worse. It doesn't "mean" anything, its just a sleep related hallucination that some people have. You mention having it all your life, just like my DD.

I think the issue here is what you are reading into it and that you have fixated on it - that's what people here are concerned about regardless of whether they know of or have experienced hypnopompic episodes. So you're not mad to think these hallucinations are happening, maybe they are. But it sounds like you still need some help and support if not tonight then first thing as soon as you can ring the MH team.

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 30/10/2022 22:20

I don't know about fractals, apart from elsa singing about frozen fractals all around, but... I've had/have MH struggles. In my dark times, I had some big epiphanies about our existence and the world around us that I still believe now that I'm 'better'.

It's all irrelevant though, I've rationalised, because I can't leave my children alone either way. So I have to just continue existing to look after them, no matter how I feel about everything.

I'd say discuss it with your mh team. Take any drugs and treatment they offer to make existence bearable enough so you can survive through this and look after your child.

Sending love.

Echobelly · 30/10/2022 22:23

Please do get some help - it is great you are aware that something's up, that's a good sign things can be sorted out, but don't leave it to deal with on your own.

FlissyPaps · 30/10/2022 22:24

I don’t think you’ve “gone mad” OP. You just need a bit of extra support right now❤

(I’m not intelligent enough to really understand fractals so I have absolutely no advice or input on the subject) But I agree with a PP, if this is a topic that interests you, read and research in small chunks. Don’t let this consume you. Easier said than done of course. Speak to family and friends. Watch a funny/feel good movie. Go out for a walk with your DCs, take in nature. Go and get a treat/cake from a cafe.

Im pretty certain the world is a much better place with you in it! Especially for your family. Sorry you have been feeling suicidal for a while but I promise with the right support you will overcome these feelings.

Xx

Strawberrypicnic · 30/10/2022 22:25

I haven't read all the thread but perhaps there might be some existential OCD going on here? I developed that for a while after a period of poor mental health (panic attacks) and it was very intrusive and made me extremely anxious. Whatever is happening though, it is not normal for your thoughts to be preoccupied in this way and for you to feel so agitated. As others have said, please reach out and speak to someone about exactly how you are feeling. Good luck x

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 22:25

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 20:19

Hi OP. Yes, it's common to have mild hallucinations especially in what's called the 'hypnagogic' state - between sleeping and waking. The fractals sound like the kind of thing that people see when they take DMT (a hallucinogenic drug) so again, not at all unheard of.

I say this to reassure you that whatever's going on in your head, it's 'normal' in the sense that it's very common and many people have similar experiences.

However, it's not really 'normal' to be struggling with what is real and what is hallucination. It also sounds like this is making you feel quite agitated and unhappy. I agree with pp that you need some mental health support at the moment. Probably need a lot of sleep too. I hope you feel better soon.

Fractals are often used on You Tube videos {Or screens in club chill out rooms} for people to look at while stoned or tripping.

Supersimkin2 · 30/10/2022 22:27

I see fractals when I’ve got a migraine and before my eyes focus on waking. It’s an eye processing nerve thing.

Not a layers of the earth thing. Sounds like ocd, OP, talk to doc.

Howmanysleepsnow · 30/10/2022 22:38

OP, whilst I understand little about fractals (I had to Google!) I understand thoughts. What you describe are overvalued beliefs: ideas you are placing excessive significance on, that risk becoming fixed in nature and at that point would be best described as delusional. The way you talk about fractals as being obvious (I doubt they felt that way to you a year ago), suggests these beliefs are close to becoming delusional, and may be fluctuating between delusional and simply overvalued already.
This is a sign you cannot ignore. If you’ve been suicidal for a while and rationally resisting these thoughts, you need to protect your rationality. Make no decisions right now, besides to contact the mental health team, or to attend A&E.
Please.

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 22:40

Supersimkin2 · 30/10/2022 22:27

I see fractals when I’ve got a migraine and before my eyes focus on waking. It’s an eye processing nerve thing.

Not a layers of the earth thing. Sounds like ocd, OP, talk to doc.

Migraine 'Visuals' are very ''Fractalesque'', shimmering, oscillating sparkling dazzling arcs.
It's neurological.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/10/2022 22:41

boozebarge · 30/10/2022 21:02

Hi OP, not read the full thread but caught your mention that knowing these were delusional thinking/hallucinations means that you probably aren’t psychotic. Just to say, when I suffered a psychotic breakdown I was absolutely aware that my delusions were nonsense, but it didn't stop them actually being delusions and me being psychotic. Please contact someone asap as psychosis can be dealt with really well if caught early. Good luck xx

I experienced similar. I held on in silence for too long, simultaneously being delusional yet with insight, hoping it would pass. I'm OK now, but wish I had reached out earlier than I did.

whenimakeithome · 30/10/2022 22:45

Are you managing to get enough sleep? Well no one does with kids I suppose but sleep deprivation can make you see things that aren’t there

EmmaLouu · 30/10/2022 22:57

Hi OP,

Firstly I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.. it really is frightening - just an intro: I had severe PND/ PNA with awful intrusive thoughts.. I thought I was going ‘mad’.

The fact you acknowledge these thoughts are bizarre says you’re not necessarily psychotic.. they could just be obsessions (related to post partum OCD). This is by no means a diagnosis - it just draws parallels with my experience.

Please speak to the Perinatal MH team. Be open with them, it’s the only way to get an answer. There really needs to be more education/emphasis around PP mental health and the true effects hormones can have on our minds.

You’ll be okay, just be honest with them.
you’re not the first and you won’t be the last to experience this .

Tinks95 · 30/10/2022 23:00

OP i do hope you’re okay. The mind is a complex thing. It might help to talk to someone close , have you got anyone with you tonight? Partner/ friend? Be honest with them. I would definitely speak to an out of hours team also, for further help & understanding. Wishing you all the best, take care x

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/10/2022 23:02

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 22:40

Migraine 'Visuals' are very ''Fractalesque'', shimmering, oscillating sparkling dazzling arcs.
It's neurological.

Show quote history

Yes, I see these too when I have a migraine aura. But OP, I know they're not real - they're a 'glitch' in my optic nerve or something. I know it's making my eye see something that's not there. I just have to wait for it to go away.

The first time I saw one, I thought I might be having a stroke. I think that's probably a normal (if slightly over anxious!) reaction. But I didn't think they had hidden meaning, or were actually there. I instinctively knew I was seeing something that wasn't there, hence beingbf worried there was soething bad happening in my brain. That's the worrying bit about what you're saying, that you have decided it's a real thing you're seeing.

Also hallucinations on the edge of sleep. Yes, they may be a documented thing with a name. Some other people may have them too, but that doesn't make them 'normal'. It's very much not normal. It is something that people would go to the Dr about to be reassured there wasn't something seriously wrong.

I think at the minute you know it's all not quite right, but it does sound like you're tipping over into not being able to tell what's real and what's not.

Fractals are a real thing (a fern leaf for instance) the word isn't something you've made up, but they don't exist how you are describing. Honestly they don't.

You need to talk to someone urgently, and you need to tell them all about what you're seeing and believing. It's really important you get some help urgently. Honestly OP, please.

EmmaLouu · 30/10/2022 23:07

EmmaLouu · 30/10/2022 22:57

Hi OP,

Firstly I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.. it really is frightening - just an intro: I had severe PND/ PNA with awful intrusive thoughts.. I thought I was going ‘mad’.

The fact you acknowledge these thoughts are bizarre says you’re not necessarily psychotic.. they could just be obsessions (related to post partum OCD). This is by no means a diagnosis - it just draws parallels with my experience.

Please speak to the Perinatal MH team. Be open with them, it’s the only way to get an answer. There really needs to be more education/emphasis around PP mental health and the true effects hormones can have on our minds.

You’ll be okay, just be honest with them.
you’re not the first and you won’t be the last to experience this .

I’ve just ready over your posts with mention of dark thoughts for a while… please seek help, urgently. You’ll recover but first you need to be clear with the team.

sending love.

LoisLane66 · 30/10/2022 23:07

Either this is a wind up or you need urgent help. See your GP first thing tomorrow, not next week.
I think you know it's not normal and no-one else on here has seen or heard of such things.
Best wishes...

stopbeingacunt · 30/10/2022 23:08

Hypnopompic hallucinations are hallucinations that occur in the morning as you’re waking up. I get these (and hyonogogic ones too) and the hypnopompic ones sound like you seeing fractals.

Both can be caused by sleeplessness, stress, depression, anxiety etc or nothing obvious

scarletisjustred · 30/10/2022 23:16

Do you have family nearby you could call? A mum or dad or sister? I do think you need help and I think you know that you do. You could tell them about the fractals. Please reach out to somebody who can help you get well again.

WednesdaysChild11 · 30/10/2022 23:29

Ummmm... I swear I saw a YouTube video on this yesterday about fractals and the universe. Why do you think this?

oakleaffy · 30/10/2022 23:33

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/10/2022 23:02

Yes, I see these too when I have a migraine aura. But OP, I know they're not real - they're a 'glitch' in my optic nerve or something. I know it's making my eye see something that's not there. I just have to wait for it to go away.

The first time I saw one, I thought I might be having a stroke. I think that's probably a normal (if slightly over anxious!) reaction. But I didn't think they had hidden meaning, or were actually there. I instinctively knew I was seeing something that wasn't there, hence beingbf worried there was soething bad happening in my brain. That's the worrying bit about what you're saying, that you have decided it's a real thing you're seeing.

Also hallucinations on the edge of sleep. Yes, they may be a documented thing with a name. Some other people may have them too, but that doesn't make them 'normal'. It's very much not normal. It is something that people would go to the Dr about to be reassured there wasn't something seriously wrong.

I think at the minute you know it's all not quite right, but it does sound like you're tipping over into not being able to tell what's real and what's not.

Fractals are a real thing (a fern leaf for instance) the word isn't something you've made up, but they don't exist how you are describing. Honestly they don't.

You need to talk to someone urgently, and you need to tell them all about what you're seeing and believing. It's really important you get some help urgently. Honestly OP, please.

Show quote history

The first time I had ''Visual'' migraine, I thought I was having some sort of acid trip, and had been 'Spiked'..It was frightening, as the dazzles grew from a pinprick of shimmering light top great arcs of 'Fractals' that I could 'See' with my eyes closed.
Now, I recognise the visuals as 'Just' Migraine, and stop doing anything til the visuals pass {Which they do quite fast, thankfully}..Within 45 mins at most.

A very strange phenomena.

mutationseagull · 30/10/2022 23:35

There is a fringe cosmological theory that the universe is a giant fractal, or something. It isn’t something that OP has completely made up, but it isn’t proven either. Personally I do believe in other dimensions and patterns underlying our 3D reality. However, it isn’t exactly ‘normal’ to see evidence of these in waking life. Hallucinations when half asleep are pretty common though. Aside from seeking psychiatric help or therapy I would suggest that OP get into using grounding techniques to stay moored to this mundane reality. Mindfulness meditation, getting out in nature or in water, and enjoying sensory pleasures like food and scent are just a few ways to do this.

OldTinHat · 30/10/2022 23:54

I have hallucinations and things I believe to be real but apparently they're not. I'm diagnosed with psychosis amongst other things and take anti psychotic drugs.

Please speak with someone as soon as you can tomorrow and don't let this spiral.