Page 2 | I think I've gone a bit mad, but not enough to do anything about.

Smellyoldowls22 · 2022-10-30T19:27:09+00:00

So, last 11 months I've had PND/PNA really badly, felt very low. I've started to feel bad again, wishing I was dead etc. But I've also started to believe there's a fractal world just under the surface of this world. That everything is fractals, and they're the base unit of the universe. And if you scratched the surface of this world you would reveal the fractal world. I know that if I did die I would just go to the fractal world, so in a sense there would be no escape. I don't really know how to explain it. I feel very agitated. At the same time I know this sounds ridiculous, so I'm probably not actually psychotic. I just wish I could feel normal and un-anxious again. I hate living like this.

HoneyIshrunkthe · 30/10/2022 20:03

OP you need urgent help.
Please speak to someone ASAP

Smartiepants79 · 30/10/2022 20:04

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 19:50

I don't have hallucinations except immediately post waking, which I think is pretty normal (last night they turned into ghosts and pumpkins). I just know about the fractal world and it seems important for some reason.

Hallucinations aren’t really normal at any time of the day.
PLEASE speak to someone. As soon as possible. You MUST be honest.

NoEffingWay · 30/10/2022 20:05

I don't know which NHS mental health trust you are under, but please look at this link for phone numbers and information for you to contact tonight.

Reading your posts again, I do think you need to contact someone tonight.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

RambamThankyouMam · 30/10/2022 20:07

OP, there are no fractals.

Please seek help. Call your GP tomorrow.

Changingplace · 30/10/2022 20:08

Sorry you’re having a tough time OP, please give the MH team a call tomorrow and they’ll be able to help.

Is it just DS with you at the moment? Is there anyone you could ring IRL who could pop round for a brew or you could have a chat on the phone with?

Sending you lots of love, hope you’re feeling better soon x

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:08

You're all very kind.
I'll talk to someone tomorrow.
Seriously, nothing bad will happen tonight. And I genuinely don't think intermittent/ fairly mild delusionality is an actual emergency.
Also I think it is normal to have hallucinations around sleep? Well, I've always had them! I may not be the most normal example though.
I'm just anxious.

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 30/10/2022 20:09

A different reality is very likely to be psychosis but could be other things too. I completely understand that it feels very real to you.
Do you have an out of hours number for your perinatal team? It might be helpful just to speak to someone tonight even if you feel safe right now.
I’m sorry that you are having a tough time.

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 20:10

I’m sorry you’re feeling so anxious, agitated and suicidal.
Of course your feelings are bad enough to ask for support. X

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/10/2022 20:10

Kindly I think the thoughts about fractal words are in your head and they're there to stop you from thinking g you want to die. As in you said you are wishing you were dead but there's no point as there are fractal worlds. I think your brain has made this up to try to help you and you j ow they don't really exist. When I was pregnant I had some very bad anxiety and made up a lot of scenarios in my head that were very real to me but ridiculous to everyone else and I really was surprised so I do understand. It's good you're posting.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/10/2022 20:11

Oh and I've never had hallucinations but maybe heavy dreams

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:12

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/10/2022 20:10

Kindly I think the thoughts about fractal words are in your head and they're there to stop you from thinking g you want to die. As in you said you are wishing you were dead but there's no point as there are fractal worlds. I think your brain has made this up to try to help you and you j ow they don't really exist. When I was pregnant I had some very bad anxiety and made up a lot of scenarios in my head that were very real to me but ridiculous to everyone else and I really was surprised so I do understand. It's good you're posting.

I think you're right, but I do genuinely believe the world is made of fractals. I don't see them mostly though. I don't know why it feels important right now, probably a weird internal avoidance technique.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:14

Now I just need to get my damn printer working and my son's uniform together for tomorrow😂

OP posts:

Chattycathydoll · 30/10/2022 20:18

So, some disorders can take a real thing (the concept of a fractal) and turn it into something of exaggerated importance or significance.

People will agree with you that fractals exist, or they won’t because they’ve not heard of them, but either way no one else has come to the same conclusions about them that you have. When I was very, very poorly my focus was on insects. Everyone could agree that insects existed and that their numbers were declining so I took that to be ‘evidence’ that my theories were not strange. But they were- and they were distressing to me, as the fractal situation is to you, and it’s the distress that needed help more than the delusion.

Which is what the doctors said to me and which is true. It’s possible for people to go through life believing very odd things. But when you are suicidal, or when you are bothered by these thoughts and they are affecting your feelings and your life, you can’t carry on like this and you do need help.

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 20:19

Hi OP. Yes, it's common to have mild hallucinations especially in what's called the 'hypnagogic' state - between sleeping and waking. The fractals sound like the kind of thing that people see when they take DMT (a hallucinogenic drug) so again, not at all unheard of.

I say this to reassure you that whatever's going on in your head, it's 'normal' in the sense that it's very common and many people have similar experiences.

However, it's not really 'normal' to be struggling with what is real and what is hallucination. It also sounds like this is making you feel quite agitated and unhappy. I agree with pp that you need some mental health support at the moment. Probably need a lot of sleep too. I hope you feel better soon.

AhmenGwendolyn · 30/10/2022 20:19

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 19:52

It seems really funny to me that someone could not know about the fractals because they are so obvious to me. Which I guess is not normal.

My reality doesn’t include fractals and I’ve never hallucinated. I say this as someone who has spent lots of time in mental health care units and needing support.

you need to reach out for help

Entwifery · 30/10/2022 20:22

So let's suppose the world is made up of fractals, (instead of atoms). What difference does it make? Do you think something is going to happen or that the fractals are of some significance? Just trying to understand what it is that your thinking, exactly.

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:22

Chattycathydoll · 30/10/2022 20:18

So, some disorders can take a real thing (the concept of a fractal) and turn it into something of exaggerated importance or significance.

People will agree with you that fractals exist, or they won’t because they’ve not heard of them, but either way no one else has come to the same conclusions about them that you have. When I was very, very poorly my focus was on insects. Everyone could agree that insects existed and that their numbers were declining so I took that to be ‘evidence’ that my theories were not strange. But they were- and they were distressing to me, as the fractal situation is to you, and it’s the distress that needed help more than the delusion.

Which is what the doctors said to me and which is true. It’s possible for people to go through life believing very odd things. But when you are suicidal, or when you are bothered by these thoughts and they are affecting your feelings and your life, you can’t carry on like this and you do need help.

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:23

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 20:19

Hi OP. Yes, it's common to have mild hallucinations especially in what's called the 'hypnagogic' state - between sleeping and waking. The fractals sound like the kind of thing that people see when they take DMT (a hallucinogenic drug) so again, not at all unheard of.

I say this to reassure you that whatever's going on in your head, it's 'normal' in the sense that it's very common and many people have similar experiences.

However, it's not really 'normal' to be struggling with what is real and what is hallucination. It also sounds like this is making you feel quite agitated and unhappy. I agree with pp that you need some mental health support at the moment. Probably need a lot of sleep too. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Smellyoldowls22 · 30/10/2022 20:25

Entwifery · 30/10/2022 20:22

So let's suppose the world is made up of fractals, (instead of atoms). What difference does it make? Do you think something is going to happen or that the fractals are of some significance? Just trying to understand what it is that your thinking, exactly.

I don't think it's necessarily useful to explore my thinking if it's faulty.
But yes, the fractals are the universe itself, and all the consciousness in it, and also transcend anything we can understand. They fold in on themselves endlessly making reality. You can catch glimpses of it sometimes, which is incredible and also scary.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 30/10/2022 20:27

Fractals as in dig through the earth or fractals as in a different plane of existence ?

Entwifery · 30/10/2022 20:29

I was just asking to find out if the line of thinking is dangerous. Whilst it seems faulty, it doesn't sound like you're at risk of any harm or a danger to yourself. Obviously it's best to speak to your mental health team because it's not nice to feel so anxious and distressed. Hope you feel more settled soon.

Hawkins001 · 30/10/2022 20:29

're reading your perspectives, it's like the fractals are the e.g. Code of the matrix from the matrix films yet instead of the numbers and code, we have the fractals ?

Hawkins001 · 30/10/2022 20:30

That would make up the fabric of our reality.?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/10/2022 20:37

I actually agree with pp who said maybe fractals are real but it's how much you're focussing on it that's the problem. You sound like a lovely person OP and I really hope you're ok xx

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 30/10/2022 20:38

Hi there, @Smellyoldowls22 .

We're so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. It feels so unfair to have to cope with PND and PNA when you should just be able to relax and enjoy this time with your new baby. Sounds like you've done all the right things so far though in getting the help you deserve.

As previous posters say, you should definitely make sure you get all the help you need tonight and if your support needs extending we're sure the people looking after you will want to do that. It's great you've had lots of sensible advice and support here on the thread - and so many of us have been through it too and know how it is - but we really think that tonight it's important for you to talk to someone in real life, too, whether that's a partner, a friend or going directly to your mental health team youself. Just send them this thread if that's easier. There's lots they'll be able to offer you in terms of support and help.

For further down the line, or if you also want to talk to someone 'uninvolved' tonight, there are lots of numbers on our Mental Health Webguide that might be of use too. www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide .

Please do feel free to keep posting and pop back and let us know how you get on, too. You've got all of Mumsnet on your team, here.