I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

illyria wishing you good luck at the doc.

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been in touch, have been ill all mother's day and today.

Swoosh, been thinking about you a lot, hope you're on the up.

cinnamontam welcome back to the uk.,although weather not so good .illyria and swoosh am thinking of you both,you are both incredibly brave and will get through all of this eventually .

Morning all - thinking of you guys every day. Hope today is one that treats you well. tam xx

Hi cinnamontam ,im sure you are glad to be back here in the cold !I suppose you emptied all the shops in Boston.! swoosh and illyria* not feeling 100 per cent so probably wont be on here too much at the moment but hopefully they will both be back here soon.We can send them both good vibes and wish them well.hope you are feeling ok.

Hope you feel better soon mummylin

{hug}

Take Care everyone

hello to you all hope you are having a good day today.

Hellloooooo Ponkers

How you doing lovely ladies. What's going on with you all?

hi cinnamontam i think that the other ponkers are not feeling so good at the moment and probably dont feel like communicating too much ,they will come back on here when they feel a bit more able to cope.illyria has a doctors apt today so i hope she will feel a bit more positive after that. wish her luck today.How are you feeling not too long till you stop work now is it.

are you there illyria ?

good morning cinnamontam just to let you know that iiyria is doing very well indeed swoosh struggling a bit but is trying to cope.hope you are feeling ok and your bump getting lovely and big .

Thanks Mummylin. Bean is doing great thanks - moving all the time. Watching my belly undulate from across the room is now everyone's favourite pastime

Give the ladies my love. I think of them daily and just pray they are getting through the day without too much pain and without being too hard on themselves.

Miss you ponkers xxxx

hello all you ponkers ,hope you are feeling strong today.

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been around much lately, and I'm about to be around even less as we're off on holiday for the Easter break. I hope you're all ok. Take care and have a good Easter.

xxx

good on you two ,have good weekend swoosh ,enjoy your hol illyria.

hello my lovlies. Thinking of you all today. Spent a lovely day with DH mooching around the shops buying plants for outside and inside - finally getting my herb garden going. Going to have a lazy evening on the couch.

We are off to Scotland for 5 days over Easter on Thursday so won't be on for a bit. Have a good break and look forward to hearing from you all soon xx

hello chums,swoosh if you are lurking on here heres hoping you have a good day.cinnamontam hope you enjoyed your shopping trip with your dh,hopoe you have plenty of storage space for all your babies new clothes !!!!

swoosh please let me know you are ok

Sorry for disappearing.

Have been really ill recently. Long story and not much fun.

Am not sure how I am really but I'm still here.

Hope the rest of the ponkers are ok.

When is babytam due?

illyria are you back off hol yet ? how are you doing .hope all progressing as well as it was.

hello to swoosh and illyria from sunny lanzarote !! hope things not to bad for you swoosh.

I don't know if any ponkers are still looking at this thread, but I though cinnamontam & illyria would be pleased to know I have become a Buffy fan! I have spent many nights watching it from the beginning and am now ready to embark on the 3rd season

Hope you are all ok. I'm not, but now I have Buffy so things must be on the up..?

Just popped on to see how it's all going. Glad to see we've passed on the Buffy-love!

How are you doing Swoosh, been worried about you. I'm doing ok now, kind of trying to move on, but I still think of you a lot. And all the other Ponkers of course!

Wait til you get to the musical episode in series 6! It's hilarious! xxx

illyria you sound great ,well done im so pleased for you.