I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

where is everyone ? i hope you are all ok.

Hi Mummylin, I'm ok. Just feeling a bit low and distant the last couple of days. I'll post more when I get my oomph back. Hope everyone's ok.

just as i thought ! you take your time and reach us when you feel more like it.

Hello lovely Ponkers
So sorry I haven't been around much this week. It's been a combination of really late nights at work, going to bed really early the other nights and then not being able to find the bloody thread. It took my preggers brain 2 days to realise the quickest thing to do was search for ponkers and seconds later here i am. I've been thinking about you guys lots and got frustrated when I realised I couldn't send you all a quick hello text from my phone on the endless schlepp into the office.

So...how is everyone doing? Did you all have lovely weather this weekend? I have a few hours work to do this evening for a meeting tomorrow (maternity leave cannot get here quick enough - i have to get to April 27th!!) so will be online for a bit. Then I'm off to Boston tomorrow night for a weeks holiday to stay with an Aussie mate. So a week of mooching and shopping to look forward to.

Have missed you guys, hugs to all and talk soon xxx Tam

hi its the hononoury ponker here ! yes ben a lovely weekend here too,lots of sunshine and my dh has managed to cut the lawn ! illyria is not feeling up to talking at the moment but i have been in touch by email.i have left it that she will be in touch when she feels more up to it.poor thing.hope your pregnancy progressing well.it will soon be april then you can have a good rest have a great holiday you lucky thing

if you just click on the "watch this thread " it will save it for you then all you have to do is go to "threads i am watching."

Oh but that is waaaaay too organised and makes much too much sense for me Have done it now....thanks

Hello all,

I'm so sorry that Illyria is not feeling great atm. I wish I could do something but I know there's not much I can do other than sending love and hugs her way.

I'm surviving, not great, doing 'silly stuff' etc, but am not as bad as I have been recently. Still here, anyway.

If Illyria is lurking, or anyone else feels like it, I can be contacted at swooshing around at gmail dot com (no gaps obvioulsy)

Take care, ponkers (lol at searching for that!)

x

Morning all. Up early cause the cats woke me at 5am arghhhh. Looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. Thinking of you all

Illyria - did you get into Serenity or Firefly? I'm in love with the Captain

hello ,i hope you are all feeling ok on this beautiful sunny day.swoosh i hope you have a good day in front of you and an even better day tomorrow.

Hello lovely Ponkers. How you all doing? I'm in Boston for a week staying with an Aussie mate. Did some serious shopping today and bought lots of lovely clothes for Bean and bed linen and towels. I won't tell you all what it cost as you will be green with envy and that is just mean

Swoosh, Illyria - how you doing? Hope you are ok... tam xx

Hello all

Oooo, tam - I bet you're having fun. I love Boston. Make sure you have clam chowder, won't you? In a bread-roll bowl type thing. Yum (unless you don't eat shellfish...)

I'm here. Not great but here. Am a bit of a mess tbh...

Please enjoy Boston for me. I like the tea shop on Newberry Street

good morning swoosh and cinnamontam. swoosh keep your chin up im sure there are bright days ahead for you eventually.cinnamontam i bet you are having a great time buying things ready for your baby ,how exciting for you.whatis the weather like in Boston ?swoosh as i said to illyria i dont have any sort of problems that you and her are suffering but if you read all the thread you will see i have a sister with bi-polar so i do understand how awful it can be for those of you that do.if you want or need to talk i will listen.You can find my email if you scroll back but make sure you read it correctly cause i made a mistake to start with !

Hello all you lovely Ponkers! I'm back!

Sorry to hear you're not feeling too good Swoosh. I'm really sorry I haven't been in touch, this is the first time I've even turned on the comp since I last posted. Was just feeling really rubbish and low - completely sort of slumped.

But... I'm feeling a lot better now! I went for a really long walk on the beach in the stunning sunshine with my littlest ds toddling along and it was great. I couldn't stop smiling. It's funny how the sun can do that to you.

Am very jealous of the things Tam is buying her bean but I rejoice in Spike's lust for me and everything is ok again
To my shame I've never watched Firefly (keep meaning to buy it) but I love Serenity (so obviously I will like FF)

Swoosh, are you ok? Do e-mail Mummylin, she's very lovely and supportive. Is there anything we can do to cheer you up? Would you like to talk?

welcome back illyria its so nice to hear from you.glad you are going upwards instead of the other way.you have been missed on here.have you made your next apt yet.although im sure you will be a bit easier about going again now.( ps slimy little things !!! ) you can have them all !

I have an apt next Monday, so as long as the sun keeps shining until then I'll be fine!

PS (Yes yes! Post all your slimy things to me! )

that is great news to hear. No cant post them cause im not gonna get near to them ugh ! how has your support been at home this past week ? good i hope.

off to get the dinner now be back later

Slimy things?

Glad to see you back Illyria

Hi Mummylin & Tam

Hi Swoosh!

Slimy things = frogs. I love them and Mummylin has a pond full of frogspawn (she hates them)

How are you feeling? Are you ok? Have missed all my Ponkers!

Is Tam still in Boston?

Er, honestly, I'm really not ok. Am hanging around the computer to keep myself busy iykwim. Not sure what to do really...

Ooo, I love watching frogspawn turn into frogs.

Not sure when Tam gets back. Lucky thing!

know the feeling. It's rough.

I love frogspawn too. I used to spend hours as a child saving bucket loads of spawn from puddles and putting it in our pond. Hindsight tells me the fish probably really enjoyed the treat, but there's nothing nicer than tiny mini-frogs

Anything we can do?

Thanks, Illyria... there's nothing anyone can do, I think. I don't know why I feel like this today. I think that makes it worse - that I don't really have a 'reason' - I can't explain it to myself or avoid whatever it is that makes me feel like this.

lol at you poor little frogs. Tasty treat. Yum!

I know exactly what you mean. Most of last week I just felt so low, I barely spoke to anyone, didn't want to do anything, just felt completely miserable all the time and overwhelmed by everything. And the worst thing was that there was no reason for it. It just seems daft that we have no control over our own heads (if you know what I mean).

I wish there was something I could do, you've been so good to me, so supportive, feel all helpless.

This never works but I'll try - baby frog to cheer you up