I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

Aww, cute frog. Thank you

Thank you for being so understanding. I don't expect you to do anything - just knowing you are there is helpful. Thank you for your support. You really are a big support.

I just wish I could shake this feeling. I thought I was getting better. It's so disheartening to know that I will always end up feeling like this again. It just makes me wonder what is the point of it all...

And since that worked, this is one for Tam (if she ever comes back) a picture not of my cat, but he looks very similar my cat sort of

The point is that we don't always feel like this, this is us being ill. It's like having time out of life when we get the flu. It just will always be there, but we're stronger than it. You especially, you're incredible to reach out to me when you are feeling low yourself. To be there for a complete stranger who has just declared herself loony. Why? Why would you do that? Because you're bloody lovely that's why! Because you are more than your illness, you are someone who can put that aside and make an enormous difference in a daft little-old-me's life for no reason other than you could and you cared!

Ok, that seemed to turn a bit ranty, but you have helped support me through the hardest week - the week before I went back to the doctor to get ADs. I can's tell you enough that you are worth it More than worth it!

Illyria, you are so kind {{hugs}}

Deep down, I do know the things that you said. I just don't feel it at the moment but it helps to see it written down by someone else... I don't know what to say. I wanted to be here for you because I know just how horrible this is. I hate the thought that other people may feel like this and do things that they shouldn't.

Thank you.

Beautiful cat btw

Thanks Swoosh.

It's that feeling of emptiness that is just so hard. Nothing comforts it or fills it, but talking helps, reaching out helps, but for me I've never been able to do those things at my lowest - only just after.

Can I ask about you? Who are you? What do you like doing? Are you artistic or scientific? Are you quiet or noisy? Do you like going out or staying in? What's your favourite colour? What's your perfect place?

Hey gorgeous people's. So lovely to have you all back online although i too went awol for a little while.

Swoosh - clam chowder is one of my most favourite foods in the world. In fact i'm going out to dinner in about half an hour and clam chowder will be my entree for sure. I will eat it and think of you every night this week as I intend to do clam chowder every night. I'm sorry you've been having a tough time. There are good days and bad days and i wish i could do something to make the bad ones good.

The weather is so lovely here - i've been in t-shirts yesterday and today. I'm off shopping tomorrow at one of those massive malls that only the Yanks can do. Best thing is I have so few clothes that fit me so my suitcase is empty and i have to fill it soooooo what little goodies can I get you guys? Any perfume, books, sweets etc...???? Come on Swoosh, Illyria, Mummylin give me a goodie to get you

Illyria, I have a spare copy of Serenity (the movie) that someone gave me that I already have a copy of. If you haven't already seen it I'd love to pop it in the mail for you. I'll be on again tomorrow. Lovely to have you guys back online

hello all ,i am back home now after poppin to tesco this evening,it is so good to have you all back on here,illyria you know how i think your doing ,you are trying so hard and i know you will get there,i have every confidence that you will get through this.swoosh if you would like me to email you i will do it willingly,you are not alone at all and while i cant profess to make you better i am certainly able to listen and willing to .My sister assures me that this made a huge difference to her.So the offer is there.( you can have some of the slimy things too if you want) !!! cinnamontam what a lovely thought,but you shouldnt be thinking of us you should be realxing and enjoying your holiday !! Hope you are having good weather.

didn't get a chance to read the whole thread, just wanted to say it is really great you have taken this first step to helping yourself. it is one step but it is the biggest one!
i also lie to the doctor
some of the ideas here are great so perhaps you should try

just think though, that the doc may prescribe just a simple pill and the whole up/down feeling will go away...
it may be much easier then you think now...

Good evening,

Tam, I'm so glad that you love clam chowder as much as I do. It's one of my favourite foods and a must when I visit Boston. Thinking of you eating it all week has made me smile, so thank you - you helped to make my day better Have you done a Duck Tour? I've always wanted to but they're always been sold out... anyway, mummylin is quite right - you should be enjoying your break, not thinking about what to get us!

I was going to email you, mummylin, but I just didn't know what to say I'm confused atm and would probably just whinge at you a lot! You do sounds like a wonderful support though. I think your sister and all of us on here are lucky to have you

Illyria, you're right, the emptiness is horrible. Especially when it's inexplicable. I'll think about your questions - I don't really know who I am any more...

Take care all & enjoy your shopping tomorrow, tam

you can say anything you want to say.i am not here to judge you only to try and help.my god the stuff my sis has told me !! i have a lot of time for her because i know the hell she has been through and probably will at some point again ,i took the trouble to find out about her illness in order to understand it and be able to help her. She was in despair and turned to me and i know from what she has said thati made a difference to her ,i would like to think i can to you and illyria.when and if you want to mail pleas feel free to do so at anytime.

Hi all!

Thanks recoveringmum, that's really nice of you, feel free to join us Ponkers any time. We're certainly not exclusive!

Swoosh, not knowing who you are anymore is the cruelest bit of it I think. Have you been back to your doctor? Hope today will be better for you.

Cinnamontam! Good to have you back, Sorry i was incommunicado for so long, sounds like you've been having far too good a time!
I have got Serenity (the film, not the peace of mind sadly ) but thank you for the offer. It's great.

I've never had clam chowder - the name is not the most inspiring I have to say - what's it like? Did you see the pic of my (not actually my) cat?

Enjoy the weather xxx

good mornin to you all. you are all very special people and have great courage in coming on here to talk about your problems.i admire you illyria and swoosh what a lot that must of taken.well done.In amongst your problems you have reached out for help and that can only be a good thing.cinnamontam have a good old spend !talk to you all later got to clean windows now !

where are you all.Are you ok ? recoveringmum do take the advice given on here by me and others to tell your doctor the truth,its the only way you will get the help you need.you will benefit for doing this .I understand its not easy but its the only way to go forward with your life.all the best for your future.

Hey guys - you all ok? Don't make a pregnant woman worry so

Was that a revolting use of guilt on you? Then post a quick 'hey' so I knows you are doing ok, crap, pile of poo, not bad etc...

hi cinnamontam i think maybe swoosh not feeling good .illyria is not doing too badly at the moment,will be better when she goes to see the doc again on monday.they are very brave ladies to be so open.hope they will be ok.how is the holiday going and did you enjoy your shopping trip ??

Hi Mummylin - trip is going great. I'm here till Sunday. Been on a couple of shopping trips and off to do another one this afternoon.

These ladies are the most courageous women - that is for sure. My sister has struggled with depression for years and if anyone asks me who my role model is it's her

I don't know how i would or could cope as they do.

just to let you know snow is on the way here !

I'm sitting here on my friends couch in Boston watching it come down. I looooove snow! So hope we get some in London as the cats go nuts whenever it does.

i envy you because where we live we never seem to get any !

Just posting a 'hey' so you don't worry! Am fine, bright and sunny out there at the moment - no sign of snow yet. Glad you're having such a fantastic time Tam. Mummylin, you're just too nice!
Swoosh? Are you ok? We're all here when you're ready to get back to us, take your time. x

hello folks.illyria glad you are doing ok at the moment.I am getting quite concerned about swoosh i had email from her on wed but nothing since.cinnamontam you will have to start your packing soon and leave all that lovely snow.have a good trip back.

Hello all. Swoosh - how you doing? I'm off to have some more clam chowder this afternoon and will have a second helping for you - thinking of you

Illyria - glad to hear the weather is still nice and warm. Have a lovely weekend with your fam.

Mummylin - off to do more shopping. Might have to buy another bag to lug it all home. What a nice problem to have

Hello all - just wanted to post to let you know I am still here. Thank you all for your support. I didn't mean to worry you. I've not been at all good but think I may be over the worst for now.

I will respond to emails asap.

{{big thank you hugs to you all}}

thanks for letting us know that, i hope tomorrow is a better day for you.just take each day as it comes,dont worry about the following day.

Hey Swoosh - you are amazing. Do whatever you have to. We are here. Big clam chowdery hugs from Tam