I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

Hi Swoosh! Hello all my fellow ponkers! I went. I told him. He didn't bat an eyelid, just like you said he wouldn't, Swoosh!

I now have some ADs that won't bring on any mania, and another apt. He was really nice and said it did sound like it could be bipolar, but not to worry. So I'm under close obs (whatever that means!).

Thank you so much for being here for me, today and all this week. Especially Cinnamontam, Swoosh and Mummylin (my Ponkers), but also everyone who posted. Feel like a complete prat for getting myself so worked up.

Oh, great news! Well done.

How do you feel now?

I am so pleased you did it!

I assume you were very honest about everything - did he make any suggestions other than the ADs?

This is a new start for you. Here's to the future, for all of us.

Didn't make any suggestions, but I think he's the sort who like to be told something then suggest a solution later having checked it out IYSWIM. Which I prefer to some of them who seem to make things up if they don't know. He asked a lot of things about how I feel 'up' and stuff and was pleased I'd told him - mainly relieved since the meds he was going to put me on are the 'triggering' type.

I feel a huge weight has been lifted (sort of)

That is just magic news

Don't know how to say this without sounding patronising...sorry. Well done mate. Bloody well done!

Did you write it down or manage to get it all out verbally? Was your DH there?

That's great to hear - he sounds like a good GP and from what you have said, it looks like you are on the right track now.

I am very proud of you! (Even though I don't know you!) I know how hard that first step is.

{{hugs}}

I was alone, and I said it all. I was hoping I'd calm down a bit once I was in there - I'm normally good under pressure - and I did.

Feel totally paronised now though, really hurt to be honest!

Anyway, am going to start the ADs tomorrow so am enjoying my last guilt free huge glass of red wine. So, ladies, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast... to all Ponkers out there!

To us!

Clink clink - thank god for Mumsnet. At least I can drink online

and me cause im an honoury member of your ponkers club !!!!! but i dont like wine only pernod with lemonade or champagne .well done to illyria

Morning fellow ponkers

How did everyone sleep? I went to bed too late (Aliens was on and i just had to watch it for the 27th time ) and then Max (the cat) woke me up at 5am because he was bored and wanted some lovin'

Hello! Slept ok, but ds2 woke up early - trust me, very unlike him - so would've preferred a bit more, but there we are.
I love aliens, didn't know it was on

Off to Wales tonight so may be incommunicado til Tuesday.

I have taken my first tablet... it's the beginning of the end.

I love Aliens. And it's a particulary good film to watch while pregnant don't you think? Lady's chest moves under shirt on film - Tam's belly moves under shirt in unison

Say hello to Wales for me. I have family (on my Dad's side) who used to hail from up near Caenarvon in North Wales. So beautiful up there

ROFL
Will do. Hope all the daffodils are out, it's lovely driving through Wales in the Spring (almost). You look after that alien of yours - I really hope she doesn't burst through your chest. Fingers crossed.

I will indeed look after the wee beastie in mah belly

Yesterday she got chocolate - today it's crumpets

Sounds like a reet pampered beastie you've got a'cooking. I want chocolate and crumpets! I couldn't eat choc when I was preg, it made me sooo sick - which is really unfair because it was one of my few cravings

Yummm, chocolate, crumpets... what a lucky little thin! Your late night and early start sounds like perfect preparation for the baby, ! Cinnamontam!

Enjoy Wales, Illyria. I hope it's a good way to mark the start of your new beginning.

Thanks Swoosh I knew this would happen once Bean was here but no-one told me I would be sleeping badly in the months leading up to her arrival! If it's not weird dreams, it's Bean moving around, bump aching or just not being tired!! I am used to going to sleep and the next thing I know I'm hitting the snooze button...poor me

How you doing today?

hello ponkers club ,all ready for my dh 50th guests coming at 8 not even had my bath yet dh in the shower have a good weekend all

Looking forward to hearing all the details, mummylin! Did you manage to jump in the bathn in time?

How's it going cinnamontam? Hope Illyria's having a lovely time in Wales.

Things here ok...

hello,this is first chance to get on here ,well party went very well but i have never had so much mess here before ! we finally got to bed at 6am sun morn and stayed there till about 11 then all day we had to tidy up and put things back where they belonged ,final thing was to clean the carpet today which has been done all back to normal now ,party went well and didnt have a lot of food over.No major disasters couple of petty little incidences otherwise great !

Afternoon fellow Ponkers

Mummylin - party sounds like it was fantastic. Did your DH have fun?

Hey Swoosh - I had a good weekend but did lots so now completely knackered and falling asleep at work at my desk. I didn't get near the laptop this weekend which was a blessing and a curse. How was yours?

How was Wales Illyria or should I say 'Spikes bit a fluff'!! Hope the weather was lovely and the traffic too heinous

'not' too heinous i mean to say - duh

yes my dh had a lot of fun ,he had his two sisters and his brother here who all live in different towns,coventry,southampton and london and they dont get together very often so was nice for him.plus all my family and loads of our friends .had loads of cards and pressies too .hope you all had a good weekend too.

Hello Ponkers! Spike's bit o' fluff is back. Glad to hear the party went well Mummylin. Sounds like a good'un
Have you recovered from the weekend yet, Mummylin?
How are you, Swoosh?
How's the both of you, Cinnamontam?
I am feeling ok, actually. I really enjoyed wandering around the Welsh hills, I always find the whole place very soothing. It was good to be back there for a bit.

welcome back ,hope you are ok and coping ,am going out soon so will chat to you later