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Original poster

I'm already lying to my doctor...

277 replies

Illyria · 22/02/2007 17:46

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

OP posts:
puppydavies · 23/02/2007 10:11

i think it totally depends on where you are, i've had a referral within a month or had to wait 6 weeks or longer. i got a referral to the community mental health team quicker than one for a hospital clinic, but i'm not sure if the same structure applies everywhere - i'm in wales.

cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 10:13

I'm good thanks. 26 weeks pregnant with my first and she loves to double tap my bladder all day with her little fists so makes it kinda hard to concentrate on work.

The up and down thing must horrible. Just when you psych yourself into talking to someone cause you feel like a pile of poo you are up again and then there is no need to do it. It must be exhausting for you

Feeling vulnerable is the worst as well but again I think that is your self preservation kicking in. Going to the doc was a massive step and things are potentially going to change by going back and talking to the GP again.

As a result you have an inner tussle going on with part of you wanting to keep you safe hence the thinking that you are an idiot (you are most definitely not one!!), wanting to run and hide, not telling the whole story AND the part of you that wants change. Wants to find out what is dragging you up and down.

Just keep talking here and to your DH - share some of your load

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:17

What if I can't wait that long? What if my mood changes completly, like it did last time, and I end up leaving my husband?

When I suggested to DH last night that it might be bipolar and we went through the list of symptoms he was so shocked. He just kept saying that, that was me, and that it explained so much. I don't think he ever forgave me for leaving him, I never really understood it (things were bad, but not that bad). I think for the first time there might actually be a real reason. Which is both a relief and terrifying - because if it's irrational, I might do it again.

OP posts:
puppydavies · 23/02/2007 10:19

if you hit a crisis point here they would put you in touch with the cmh team who would see you at short notice.

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:20

Thanks cinnamontam. I don't think any of you can realise how much this thread has made a difference already.

Congrats on the baby! My ds2 worked out how to hook his feet under my ribcage and flick it - think he was just trying to stretch but it didn't half hurt!

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:20

Would that mean I'd be hospitalised?

OP posts:
puppydavies · 23/02/2007 10:22

not necessarily. not unless it was genuinely in your best interest. ime they don't tend to waste their time or resources on you unless they consider you are in danger/dangerous.

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:26

Thank you Puppy. I really am terrified of having to stay in a hospital. You've really helped alay my fears. Am feeling more and more sure about talking to GP.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 23/02/2007 10:34

Discuss with your dh the fact that you may make excuses not to go depending on your mood when the time of your app comes. Then make him promise to take you no matter what.
If that's a plausable thing.

puppydavies · 23/02/2007 10:37

i totally understand that fear, you're not alone there. i'm making huge assumptions here, but if you've coped (to some degree) without any medical intervention for a long time, and if you're under medical care now, i think the chances of everything going that out of control that quickly are very slim.

it's also understandable that you're very up and down right now if you feel you're making a breakthrough with something that's haunted you for years. this isn't necessarily illness-related, it's a natural reaction to your current circumstances.

but please do mention your bipolar concern to your gp if s/he suggests medication, as it is very relevant.

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:38

It's a good idea BOM, but sometimes I get quite aggressive if I feel that what I want is not being listened to. I know DH has tried before, but he ends up giving in when I start shouting (by aggressive, I don't mean physically). But I reckon this time he'll stand up to me. Especially if I tell him that if I really won't go then he should go in my place and tell them everyhting - that would get my butt in gear.

It's very odd to be talking about yourself like this. Am a loony!

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 10:41

hello illyria i have a sister wh has many of the symptoms you have described.shedoes suffer from bi-polar,and what you have described does sound very similar,However even if that turned out to be the case for you ,you have to be honest with your doctor or else how will he know the correct way to help you ? Dont be scared, he is there to help you.best of luck.if you would like to dicuss this more i can give you my email address if you like

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:43

You're right Puppy, when I left the GPs it really was like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And it was only after that, that the weird, excitable periods have started. I know I need to tell him my concerns. I know that some ADs can trigger manic episodes (if that is what I have).
I was worried enough just about ADs before all this

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 10:44

Thanks Mummylin, that's really kind. Is there any advice you could give me (or DH) on coping with this?

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 11:08

my email is [email protected]

mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 11:09

sorry i have two email adresses mixed up there ! its [email protected]

QuootiepieTheOnlyPie · 23/02/2007 11:26

Morning - glad you are making steps forward {{hugs}} You are being very brave {{hugs}} xXx

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 11:32

Thanks quootie. I do really feel like I've made some steps forward now. Just need to keep moving. Wish there was a way of locking each door behind you, every time you move through one . Just don't get why my head is like this, it seems really unfair - particularly on everyone around me.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 11:41

if you do indeed turn out to have bipolar it can be very difficult for those around you to understand it at all.when we all ( family ) found out about my sister no-one knew how to deal with it at all especially as she refusd to spaek to anyone except me at the time ,if she was at my house and our mum or anyone came she would hide in my bedroom. I found it very very hard to deal with in the begining but as time went by i began to recognise when she was in a manic state or a low state,but the first few months were a complete nightmare ,i have to be honest. She would phone me at all hours to go and meet her because of some reason or another and off i would go.she does do things that i think are odd ,but i now know that they are all just another part of her illness,we have agreed to differ on certain things and she knows i will always be there for her whatever the time or reason. illyriai can discuss further by email if you want.

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 11:46

Have e-mail you Mummylin. Let me know if you haven't received it.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 11:47

no not here maybe you sent to the wrong email ( the first one )

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 11:57

I sent it to the 2nd one, but have tried again. Let me know if you get this one.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 12:01

nope try this one lingord.eaton at ntlworld.com or else give me yours and i will send to you

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 12:08

Ok have sent that one. Bet it's just a slow server and you'll get all three at once.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 12:27

ok have recieved that one and replied .