Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Hello. Had a good sleep again.

They found me trying to kill myself in the toilet so now someone is with me for that. Pooing in front of someone is WEIRD.

Very overcast here.

I spent a lot of yesterday out of my room because I like it here. The other girls seem nice and I know a few of them from previous admissions.

My plan today is internet / colour / angry birds. DH is coming tonight and hopefully bringing McDonalds for me! I know I am a piglet.

Unbelievable! If you would have been in the hospital I was, you would have spend most of your time in bed tied with leather belts like a star or in seclusion. You would be on your way home as you would have been on meds several days and doing fine. I think this is the other end of the spectrum... This just makes patients too comfi at the hospital and they do not want to leave.

Glad you got out of your room - I always found talking to other patients helpful.

snowbanana I believe in treating people like people, and I wouldn't describe psych hospitals as comfy, they are decent places yes on the whole, and the new builds are a bit like Travel Lodges. I see your point about getting people well quickly, but strapping them down

I think I have a right to be comfy :)

I'm with you fluffy, TLC is needed when unwell.

I am glad you are comfy Fluffy.
But I am sad you tried to kill yourself. Did you go to loo intending to or did it just make sense to do it when you were in the cubicle? and you don't have to answer that, but it just made me feel sad for you and your DH.
Which Angrybirds are you on? It's the Star Wars one in our household at the moment.

Take care. Hope DH appears with a MccyD's for you.

Yep. The bed with leather belts stayed in the corridor when unused. It was not too often there. I leart my lesson and behaved. Once I took an overdose in open ward (in different hospital) and they were observing me in their office until I stopped puking. Then I was tied to the bed and put to the seclusion room for overnight. They just came and took my blood pressure every now and then. I think I got so harsh treatment, because they tought I was a borderline personality. Apparently they get too used to hospitals and require tough love

snowbanana - hospitals are not at all like that in the UK. Nobody is restrained unless it is the very last option.

I just know what I have to do and so when I can I will. I had a long chat with my key worker who I know very well today and she agreed with everyone else who said this was a very different admission. My DH asked her about my constant obs and she said she thought it would be for a while yet.

I have had a McDonalds which was nice. I feel frantic inside sometimes, hard to explain. I don't know.

I am doing Angry Birds Rio.

Hey Fluffy, just checking in :) Glad they're taking care of you x

Hi Fluffy :)

Glad you're safe, and had a cheeky Maccy D's. I hope the frantic feeling subsides soon.

Take care xxx

Hello.

Still lots of blue. Had a chat with the nurse today which was helpful. 1:1 still going on. My DH can't visit tonight which is a bit crap but there we go. A girl on the unit bought me a KitKat Chunky before which was nice.

It is grey and COLD today. My room here looks out onto the street which is nice because you can see people/things, feels less closed in.

Nice to hear the hospitals are different :). Have you had good sleeps?

Hope you're doing ok fluffy

fluffy I hope you're keeping warm. xxx

I am just eating my dinner (hand and cheese sandwich). DH came after uni and brought me some bits and bobs. Don't feel so great today, feel like a massive burden on the staff at the moment.

The unit is very warm really which is good, but when I go out for a cig it is freezing.

Hope you sleep well tonight Fluffy. Especially after your tasty sound sarnie!

Glad you have a view to watch coscthat must help with time.

Have they a long list of specialists to see you tomorrow ?

Seeing dr later, but nervous. Eep. I know if it is my time ut is my time but scary all the same.

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you. I've got crisis team later.

Lots of luck Fluffy and for you SnowyMouse.

Hope all goes ok.

Hope it went ok for you snowy

Not seen doctors after all. Staying on constants for now until my review on Monday.

DH has sorted out a new dongle for me so should get better internet tonight.

Thanks fluffy, they rang just as I started to reply, they're coming out tomorrow to see me.

A new dongle sounds good, I hope it'll help distract from everything

New dongle is set up. I have had a cheese sandwich and an apple. Just sitting in my room now, it is ICY cold here everyone is talking about possible snow.

One of the girls bought Magic Mike on DVD today so we will watch that later.

Had a long chat with my key worker today, explained my feelings etc. Just feel like everything is so final you know.

Oh and good luck for tomorrow snowy :)

Hi fluffy - I remember hanging around waiting for dr and then it getting postponed - v frustrating, but I suppose their priorities change all the time according to their patients.

Did it snow? Have had 4 in since yesterday, however looks like gradual thaw now.

We have had quite a bit of snow last night but not much today :) My friend visited today and then DH is coming in a bit.

I wanted to share some of my colouring in, I hope you don't mind.

picture
another picture

:)