Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

If there is anything we can do, please let us know.

[fluffydressinggown]

I have rang the crisis team who are hopefully ringing me back later.

I am trying so hard not to SI but I really want to, but I know I will let DH down if I do and my legs are painful today so I don't want to add to it all.

I am sick of battling things.

On the plus side the cat is being a little angel, she is sat next to me cuddled in and purring, she seems to know how I feel.

[fluffydressinggown]

No phone call from crisis :(

Hopefully DH will be home in an hour or two.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Hopefully not long then, fluffy x

[bassetfeet]

Our animals know don't they? Glad the wee cat is comforting you Fluffy.
We'll done on getting through the day . Not long until your husband is home. Keep safe ...one foot in front of the other . Can telly distract you tonight ? You mentioned sewing once. Crochet is good Fluffy for the rhythm of hand busy and creativity . One day maybe you tube a lesson. I managed it and am so clueless. It is soothing I find . You love colour and texture I remember . Stay safe lovely .

[kizzie]

Hi fluffy just wanted to send you some and . I'm glad your little cat is providing some comfort. Keep going - Im sorry its so had at the moment xx

[SnowyMouse]

Lots of hugs fluffy

[fluffydressinggown]

Well my dh is home and I managed not to cut today. Crisis did ring as well which helped
I still feel very self harmy but at least o didn't cut today.

Thank you for your support and kind words, they have helped me get through the day.

[bassetfeet]

sleep well tonight Fluffy x

[pepperrabbit]

Well done fluffy

[fluffydressinggown]

I saw my CPN today and it was a so so meeting. She said that until there is a shift in how I feel things won't change. I agree with that but I am not sure how to change. I am trying to be mindful and not stressing too much about the days / weeks ahead, but sometimes it is so hard.

I won't see her for two weeks now which feels like an impossibly long time.

My Mum is visiting for the next few days which is something of a distraction.

I have had my dose of risperidone put up to 4mg and for some reason the GP prescribed 60 tablets which makes me think of overdosing (as self harm not to kill myself).

[Messupmum]

I understand how you're feeling so much. I feel the same so much of the time. It's so hard. My weekly prescriptions have changed to fortnightly and straight away I think of od'ing. Hope your mum provides some comfort and distraction x

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry to hear that you are still finding things so hard messupmum I hope that things start to look up.

I had a huge cry in bed last night with my DH. I know that things have to change and I am not doing enough to change them. I am so scared of dealing with all of this shit. Everyone says I am not alone, but sometimes I feel so alone in my self harm.

On the plus side my Mum should be here soon so I can get a few days off from worrying too much about self harm.

[livingzuid]

Hi fluffy I have read your whole thread and am in awe of your courage and bravery. The majority of people cannot relate to what we go through because the concept of doing injury or causing death to one's person is just so alien and I think that is the same with some who work in the mental health profession. I wonder if they really can relate on my bad days. You sound like on the whole you have a really strong care team who know you which is crucial.

Two things I expressly wanted to comment on - the first was comments made by the crisis team that your issues were spiritual and not mental which had my jaw to the floor. OCD and BP were all as a result of actions made by our brains! Whilst it isn't bipolar and needs to be treated by a psychologist of course, it still is in our heads! How confusing for you to have been told that! I have BPD traits and full blown bipolar and I was relieved to find out in a way it was bipolar. It takes enormous guts to go through the treatment you are receiving. I shied away from my BPD treatment for ages and I am just a mild case. You deserve the utmost respect for persevering-I'm sure you don't think you are but you are doing such an amazing job please keep at it.

The second thing is that doctor in A&E for saying that to you. Words fail me apart from wanting to kick him. You deal with your situation with such respect and dignity how dare he sit there and judge. I'll stop there before I rant further!

I would like to buy your DH a beer if that were ever possible. He must be such a comfort for you and you must never feel bad about that (you may not of course!). I'm so glad you had such a support next to you whilst you go through your illness and healing process.

So glad as well to hear your mum is coming to stay that sounds so nice. I won't say anything more as I don't want to put you in a bad place but just thank you for sharing your story. Please take care and stay with us.

[fluffydressinggown]

I thought I would add some positives, I have not self harmed this week which is good and my DH says I seem happier.

Struggling with some weird thoughts but trying not to get bogged down in things.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

That is positive, fluffy. Wish I could send you a to fast forward to future times when you are totally well again. Meanwhile, have a and yet another [hug].

[TheSilveryPussycat]

7 messages left before thread full, btw.

[fluffydressinggown]

I can't believe I have typed so much.

I had a very very wibbly day yesterday, felt very unwell and anxious but I am a bit better today.

Trying hard not to believe that my friends and family would be better without me.

[SnowyMouse]

Thinking of you fluffy

[fluffydressinggown]

This is going to be depressing, sorry.

I am so fed up of feeling like crap. I am having a bad time at the moment and I just constantly feel sick to my stomach. I hate taking medication, it makes me forget my words, it makes me feel out of control. It is the right medication so I have to take it but I cannot bare it. I miss just being me, I feel like I have totally lost myself. I embarrassed myself at the weekend by saying something very bitchy to a group of friends I went out for lunch with.

I think a lot about how much better DH's life would be without me, about how if I disappeared it would make no difference to anyone because as my life is at the moment I bring nothing positive to anyone.

I am trying so hard to have a normal life and be normal but I am not, I am just this awful miserable person.

[bassetfeet]

Oh Fluffy you are so hard on yourself . You are loved and valuable. Your husband s love shines . Disappearing would shatter so many my love .
I can only imagine how the meds make you feel and it sounds horrid but in time surely they can be adjusted ? You have had the most awful time this year and equilibrium probably seems so far away to you .
It takes time... such a long time to get as poorly as you did and it will take time to feel well sadly ......so keep putting one foot in front of the other Fluffy ok? You will get there I know you will because you have a huge reserve of strength and eloquence in your posts here .

I have seen a difference in your posts since the beginning of your thread that show that your health is improving . Trouble is we cant see it ourselves . But oak trees grow from acorns ..small and steady

re bitchy comments when out for lunch .....ach we all do that so think no more of it . Your friends will do so I am sure . Out for lunch with friends speaks volumes about how valued and appreciated you are ......you are not an awful miserable person . just still recovering from illness.

The thread will go soon so would you like me to start another one for you ?
.

[SnowyMouse]

fluffy you are much needed and wanted

[pepperrabbit]

fluffy you are not at all an awful miserable person, so many people would be so upset if you disappeared.
You are fighting a long hard battle and doing so well.
I've followed your thread from the beginning, I would miss you.

[fluffydressinggown]

Oh gosh I think this is the final message.

Not sure whether to start a new thread, seems a bit self indulgent.

Thanks for all of your support xxx