Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

I have started to feel very anxious about things, I am finding it hard to function but I am still getting out and doing things which is a positive.

My Mum is visiting me this week so I am hoping that helps me to get through.

I have started seeing things in the corner of my eyes again and I am finding it hard that I am supposed to take medication to stop it. I feel quite muddly. Having some strange thoughts that I am too embarrassed to share. But embarrassing means I am not totally believing it which is good.

But on the plus side I was going to SI today but didn't, I went to the shops and got loads of things we needed, and I made a table runner using my new sewing machine.

Trying to take things day by day. I feel very tearful but I suppose it is about getting through.

fluffy you are doing well, as you say, you are coping and getting through, you are holding on to your insight too. Perception is a strange thing (I did a psychology degree, though a long time ago), and is a lot more about the brain and expecting to see things than people realise. If you are on high alert, your brain will make much of a little information, to keep you safe. By doing this, it risks thinking it's seen things when it hasn't: but detects real danger (if there is any) that much faster.

As a total non-sewer (well, I can mend a hem) am impressed at the table runner.

How are you doing fluffy? The usual hugs to you and DH, and another for your DM.

Just thought I'd let you know that snowy has gone in, she let us know (vicar's fete thread) but doesn't have internet access. They have been puzzling over her for some time , really hope they can get things a bit more sorted.

Thanks for asking. I am ok, quite tearful and worried at the moment but ok. Spent some time with my Mum this week which has been a good distraction.

Poor Snowy :(

Had a crap appointment with my CPN. Feeling very very low and self harmy.

Not sure how to get through tonight.

So sorry your appointment was crap.

I follow Darren Brown's FB page, and he recently posted about the Self Harm Organisation - you could check that out? Also someone else I saw posting somewhere on this board was holding ice cubes to help her stay safe.

Self harmed again today, the nurse that stitched me up was very kind to me which was nice. Fed up of being me.

If it isn't triggering, I would be v interested in your opinion of the SHO - but of course I'll understand if you don't want to risk it. And there would be no hurry - I haven't even looked at the website myself yet.

I understand depression and dread and lack of motivation and frozen overwhelm, (and at the other end of the mood scale, over-elation), from my own experience, and from talking to other people. But although I have talked with people who have sh'd, we have not spoken about the condition itself. So I know very little about it.

I am so glad that the nurse was kind. If you were still you, and yet the you that you want to be, what would that be like? [hug]

Oh Fluffy . Your loveliness shines through your words . You matter and deserve kindness . Keep going ..keep walking ..keep safe .

Thank you for your kind words.

I looked on the SHO website and it looks like it is more for carers of those who SI. I know about the alternatives to self harm, but as yet have not found anything physical to replace it. I am pretty open about my SI and I don't get triggered easily so I don't mind talking about it.

I feel very awkward about SI, I feel like it is such a teenage thing and I am not a teenager. Feel like I should have grown out of it. I am frustrated as well because my SI is not reactive. You hear about people being very distressed and then cutting and getting some relief from the cut. I think I am distressed but I am not crying or reacting to something that has happened that day or hour. In many ways it feels very separate to me. I never cry when I cut, I never cry afterwards. Just fed up with myself.

Hello fluffy and thanks for your opinion. I'd be interested to hear more, in particular you mention damage as being important, so to speak.

Apart from biting my wrist till toothmarks showed, when feeling a need for ?strong distracting stimulation, I haven't si'd. What I have done is damage walls, crockery and glassware. Although this is satisfying at the time, because the things can't be mended (except for the (plasterboard) wall I kicked a hole in ), I then have to sweep up and look for shards so the cat's (and others') feet are OK, which kind of makes it a bit self-defeating . At the time, I thought I was letting out my rage at the universe and myself, in fact I think the rage was at my useless OH as well. Of course, it just confirmed to him that I was a madwoman!

I just mention my OH for completeness, not meaning your DH is like mine. It was the damage being the thing which made me think this could be the nearest to how you might feel. I presume you've tried damaging inanimate things?

Hoping things are not too bad x

I am ok, had a productive meeting with my CPN yesterday and I am visiting my parents for the next few days.

When I cut it is very destructive and because I have cut so much in certain areas they don't heal very week any more. I know I need to find out why I am so angry at myself, and why I feel the need t hurt myself so badly.

Thinking of you fluffy. I've been in hospital for a few weeks now, going home tomorrow.

Hi snowy how are you? Sorry you are having such a rough time.

I have spent some of this week at my parents which has been nice. My mood is quite low though.

I'm better than I was, thanks fluffy. I hope your mood lifts soon.

I haven't really posted much here recently.

I am being assessed for DBT which I am still very unsure of.

I feel quite numb these days but I am trying hard and I haven't self harmed in a couple of weeks.

Good luck fluffy I'll be thinking of you, and wondered how you were doing.

I've heard good things about DBT. Wishing you all the best [hugs]

Sat in A&E waiting for stitches. I am not sure his I will get through these next few days.

Oh fluffy Big hugs.

Sat in a&e again. Sick of myself. Very stupid.

Cut again today. Having a really tough time of it.

hugs, , thinkimg of you.

Oh fluffy. I am thinking of you and sending a hug through the internet .
Anything we can do to support you a bit more ?

I am just so frustrated. DH is working tomorrow and I can't face the battle not to cut again. I am in a lot of pain from my cut today which I know it is my fault but I don't enjoy being in pain.

The nurse today was so lovely, she gave me a big hug. She has been stitching me up on and off for nearly five years now so she knows me.

Why am I am so fucking stupid.