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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 26/01/2013 17:40

Wow they are gorgeous :)

SnowyMouse · 26/01/2013 18:15

Those are beautiful, fluffy Smile

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 26/01/2013 21:36

Thank you :)

OP posts:
bassetfeet · 26/01/2013 23:15

Your pictures are fabulous Fluffy

thanks for sharing . I have had a yearning to do those painting by numbers recently. do you still do sewing ?
can feel a visit to Hobbycraft coming on . stay safe lass stay safe .

Pancakeflipper · 26/01/2013 23:24

Those are well thought out with the colour choice Fluffy. Impressed.

Hope you have been ok this evening and sleep well.

Take care.

Sunnywithshowers · 27/01/2013 01:00

Hello Fluffy

I like your colour choices, you have a gift for choosing colour.

Hugs xxx

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 27/01/2013 21:45

Thank you for your kind words, I know it is showing off but small things etc!

I am not sewing no, no concentration sadly. I painted my nails today though :)

Not had a great day, feel very tearful and down. Just fed up if it all, I feel very alone in some ways because people say they believe I believe what I am talking about but they don't. I told my parents about it today and my Dad cried down the phone which was horrid :(

Seeing Dr for a review tomorrow, constants will probably stop which is a sign now is the time, I think maybe God gave me another few weeks to come to terms with it. Going to dicuss meds tomorrow as well. Hmm.

I am going to go and colour in downstairs for a bit before bed.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 27/01/2013 23:41

Hi fluffy

I'm sorry you've had a down day today. I hope that tomorrow is better, and that you have a good review with the consultant.

Big hugs xxx

springbanana · 28/01/2013 08:35

Just fed up if it all, I feel very alone in some ways because people say they believe I believe what I am talking about but they don't.

Well, maybe they believe :). The stuff you are explaining is not that odd at all. People believe in all sorts of Gods and there has been wars over religion. You just sound like you have gotten bit obsessed about your God. I have obsessive thoughts as well. I just read that there can be OCD without compulsive bit.

springbanana · 28/01/2013 08:56

oh forget to add. When I am really depressed I get the feeling that I have to kill myself. There is nobody really telling me but I just sense it. One sort of obsession. When I am high-ish I have other kind obsession. Very bizarre one.
I have thinking of OCD therapy. Maybe you could ask for that?

springbanana · 28/01/2013 10:06

or what about spiritual awakening? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_experience

My sister turned to a believer after a religious experience. An angel came to her and they had a chat Shock. After that she has been a church goer and lives happily.

Could it be you have interpretted the messages all wrong? As you haven't had a chat with the God or with an angel, you can't say sure. You just rely on how your mind interprets the messages.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 28/01/2013 19:31

Did you see the dr? Hoping it went OK.

You weren't showing off, btw, just taking pride in something you do well, and I was v glad you posted the pix.

SnowyMouse · 28/01/2013 19:38

Hi fluffy. How's it going, been thinking of you.

springbanana · 28/01/2013 19:41

My sister haven't revealed what they chatted about.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 28/01/2013 20:45

Hello.

Didn't see him in the end! Still on constants. Had a Chinese with DH when he visited which was nice. My internet is so slow tonight, very frustrating! It is crazy windy here.

snowbanana - oddly I don't believe in angels or spiritual awakenings. I am having psychotherapy.

OP posts:
springbanana · 28/01/2013 22:03

I guess you don't believe them before you have one.

In my opinion you could well have something like that as you sound pretty sane. You seem to have insight and are able to write here. Can you ask your God questions?

Pancakeflipper · 28/01/2013 22:46

Al'right Fluffy, glad to hear you are eating Chinese. Yummmm.

I don't like this wind. Wind and rain together is just nasty.

Has the Dr for a review rebooked or leaving you waiting? How are you feeling about meds now?

Hope you sleep well and you wake up to fast pacey internet connectivity !
Take care

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 29/01/2013 17:39

Crappy day, saw Dr, very negative tbh. He was very unhelpful.

Went down to 15 minute obs and am now back on constants after another attempt.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 29/01/2013 18:28

Oh fluffy Sad I'm sorry you've had a bad day.

sj2008 · 29/01/2013 18:34

Fluffy I apologise if this seems too blunt or upsetting, please don't feel you have to answer but do you really feel you want to die, genuinely no longer want to exist or is it that you cant cope with these feelings anymore? Or is it more to do with the messages and you feel you have to do it? I'm deeply sorry to hear you are having such an awful time and that you have attempted to hurt yourself. If it is that you can't take the painful feelings, and I know how intolerable that can be please know that it can get better. You will not feel like this forever. There are people and drugs that can help. Please stay safe, I am thinking of you x

springbanana · 29/01/2013 18:46

This is worrying... I would not like to be in a state in a hospital and just trying to kill myself. I rather had them tie me up and drug me. What I wrote on other post in begining. Good luck everyone.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 29/01/2013 19:03

Fluffy I have just read your whole thread.

The way you think and the way you interpret life is exactly how my mum feels, especially when she doesn't take her medication. She take quetiapine and fluoxetine (I think that's how they are spelt). It was if it was mum sat there typing.

I know the difficulties you are experiencing in communicating how you are feeling. When mum has had episodes in the past, she has explained them extensively to me.

Your Dad is upset because he loves you. He doesn't want you to leave. Parents are wired to keep their DC alive.

The last episode of my mums was last summer. She decided she had enough of taking one of her medications (I think it was the one she takes for depression) because she didn't feel depressed. Soon everything began to unravel. In the end I begged the crisis team to come back out to her, because she kept saying "no matter what happens, I will always love you". It wasn't until we were in the psychiatric unit she finally admitted she hadn't been taking her tablets for a few months. Every night my dad would ask if she had taken them; and she would continue to order repeat prescriptions so nobody would suspect anything Sad

What I am trying to say is please take the meds. They will help you to get better. We are here for you too. You have my support all the way.

As you know, it will take time for you to feel better. And don't feel bad about wasting anyone's time. Mental Health is a very serious illness; and to be honest the human race know naff all about how the brain works. It's the bodies most vital organ after all.

Is there anyone else you can talk to? Will you see your DH tonight?

Sunnywithshowers · 29/01/2013 19:05

I'm sorry fluffy Big hugs my lovely, take care xxx

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 29/01/2013 22:02

The Dr said I don't need meds because I am not psychotic. So just sertraline.

I know God is controlling him so I can kill myself. It just feels endless.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/01/2013 22:26

Hmm, well that doesn't sound very helpful as if the sertraline was working then you wouldn't be an inpatient. I believe you, Fluffy, and I think its a shame that that he wasn't ready to consider other options.

I'm sure that God isn't controlling him. If a psychiatrist met god, the first words spoken would be, "So tell me about these feelings of omnipotence then."