Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

(((fluffy)))

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. Is it worth seeing your GP or CPN? x

I see my CPN tomorrow so will chat about things with her.

Just so frustrating to feel like this. I feel like I will never get better.

Hi fluffy you dropped off my list somehow, but I've thought of you [hug] .

Are you allowed to up your meds if you want to, or do you need to check with CPN?

oops just seen your last post...

As to feeling you will never get better, has there been a pattern to your illness in the past that might give you hope?

It is just hard to see a recovery because I always relapse :(

I am just sick and tired of this crap.

Not surprising you're sick and tired of it.

You have always relapsed so far. Which must mean you have got better in the past? I know it is crap atm though.

Had a rubbish appointment, I was not helpful or connected. I feel so low at the moment, not sure how to get past this hurdle.

at least they know how you are

Did you check re med increase?

We talked about the meds but didn't organise anything, so I will ring her tomorrow to try and sort it out.

I am so worried everyone will give up on me because I am not better yet.

(((((( fluffy ))))))) People wont give up on you, they're there to help and support.

Well I have totally fucked up sat in minor injuries waiting for stitches. Feel like shit.

((((fluffy)))) Sending you massive hugs lovely.

((((((( fluffy ))))))))

Thanks for the support. I am home and stitched up with the cat purring away next to me.

And now my husband hates me for cutting. Why am I such a dickhead.

Are you sure it's you, rather than the cutting that he doesn't like?

Hugs

It is the cutting he hates, it is hard to see how much I have disappointed him, just feel like a massive fuck up.

I seriously think he would be better without me sometimes. I feel like a waste of space.

fluffy he just wants you to be well - but I am 100% sure he would rather have you as you are atm than be without you Sending hugs to you both x.

I spoke to my CPN today and I am going up to 40mg on my fluxoetine to see if that helps. Feel very muddly today but trying to keep going.

I hope it helps fluffy ! Do you have plans for the weekend?

Had a quiet weekend, I feel very low at the moment, like everything is pointless. I am not sure how I feel about SI at the moment, half of me wants to do it and half of me can't be bothered. Decisions decisions.

Well apparently I did feel like self harming. More stitches today. Everything is shit.

Oh fluffy I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. Is there anything you can hold onto for yourself?

[hugs] fluffy. Wish I could help. snowy and I find distraction in Solitaire.

My CPN rang me today and gave me a bit of a talking to, said I need to change and start to allow myself to feel my feelings instead of using SI as a distraction. I know I do but it is hard and I am so tired of everything.