Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

I feel very low at the moment, trying to snap out of it but no joy yet. Struggling to see the point in anything.

Having a really really crap day today.

Can you phone your cpn and talk to them? Don't keep if to yourself.

My CPN knows, I just have to hold on. DH is being lovely about everything, very supportive. I went out for tea with my best friend tonight and had a good chat which was nice.

Everything just feels so pointless. I cried driving home from the pub. I wish I could be asleep and not wake up for a week or two.

((((( fluffy )))))

Thanks Snowy :)

Having a bit of a bad day again, I feel very tearful and sad. Feel very self harmy which is a bugger.

On the plus side the cat is being super friendly and I made a nice dinner. Just wish all the good stuff made me feel good inside.

Finding things very hard, I am not sure what to say to my CPN tomorrow.

Started not sleeping very well, which is so frustrating.

I feel like my husband would be better without me, and I am wondering if God is trying to show me things.

I fucking hate having MH problems.

Could you write down what to say to the CPN? Sleep can adversely affect you, may be ask CPN for something to help with that?
I hate them too, pity we can't change them.

Now I'm stressing because I was sure my appointment to see my CPN tomorrow was at 12.00 because I am sure she said someone else was joining us at 12.30 to talk about benefits. Only in my diary it says 10am so now I have to ring up tomorrow and look like an idiot, grrr.

You wont look like an idiot, particularly if it was a joint meeting they can often get shifted without telling you (or that's been my experience).

I told my CPN how I was feeling and she was very nice and supportive. She is giving me a ring tomorrow to check in with me.

The cat has been very cuddly with me these past few days, it is like she knows.

Feel very worn down by everything.

On the plus side I am looking at holidays for next year and I am getting a brand new phone tomorrow.

I'm glad you had a good experience with your CPN, and with your cat!

Holidays sound good, anywhere particular, or does it depend on the offers?

Maybe back to Greece or to Majorca, somewhere that is hot and sunny.

How are you doing snowy

I feel very overwelhmed at the moment, I am not sure what to do or how to feel.

I'm also overwhelmed

Are you still under the crisis team Snowy?

My CPN rang me today and talked about choices and how things can be different, it is just hard to see that sometimes.

Yes, I've had 2 phone calls from them today, and they're coming round tomorrow. I'm in a bad place with ligatures.

It is hard to see things objectively I think xx

Oh no :( Ligatures are so dangerous, good that you have the support. Take care of yourself.

Finding things very hard today, I really want to do some serious damage to myself :( My CPN is off today, so I can't ring her. I feel awful :(

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. Can you ring OOH GP, or CT? Big hugs.

I made it through, I just fell very very low at the moment, finding it hard to see a way forward.

(((( fluffy )))) Keep going...

I am so scared about next week. Frightened of how I will feel and what I will do.

What's next week?

Nothing really, just another week of struggling and feeling shit.

I am feeling increasingly suicidal and it is so scary. My DH wants me to up my meds and he is desperate for me not to SI. I feel under so much pressure to be ok but I don't feel ok.