Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Can you write down your feelings then put them to the side? hugs fluffy

Had a difficult appointment with my CPN. She said we need to do things differently because I am still turning to self harm and I have been in MH services for over 18 months now.

I don't know what it will take for me to stop. I feel so stupid for self harming as an adult.

I am also having physical problems related to my self harm, basically got told yesterday and today that I am putting myself at significant risk and that scares me, but not enough to stop me.

I feel so upset and muddled and like a failure.

(((( fluffy ))))

How are they going to do things differently? That's my worry, that they won't know what else to do. It's so difficult living like this and too hard to explain why we think/do these things. Hope you're ok tonight x

Have you ever thought about a residential specialist self harm clinic.?

If you are at significant risk to yourself could they be considering sectiioning you for yr safety?

It sounds like yr needing more specialist services

I am not going back to hospital, I certainly won't be sectioned. I discussed hospital with my CPN and we both agreed it isn't that useful for me anymore, especially after my last admission.

We have spent the weekend at my parents and booked a holiday for next year. Nice to have a bit of a break from what is happening, given me a bit of a rest.

Feel anxious about next week, seeing my CPN tomorrow and then she is off for two weeks so worried I won't feel supported. I am planning a cut at the moment and it seems almost impossible that I won't do it next week.

Is there anyone covering your CPN that you could talk to about your plans?

(((( fluffy ))))

Oh fluffy I am scared for you Are there any SH support groups? (sorry, I know nothing of SH)

Please don't worry, I will be fine.

I will talk to my CPN about my worries and hopefully we can make a plan.

Had quite a productive meeting with my CPN today so feel better about that.

Feel very unsafe for tomorrow but I guess I just have to get through it.

I'm glad your meeting with your CPN was productive. Have you got a game plan to deal with feeling unsafe/reduce the feelings? I know that's easier said than done...

Is there something in particular happening tomorrow then, or it is that your CPN will be on holiday? I presume there will still be someone you could ring?

Hey I hope it's OK to add something here - I have lurked a lot and I have struggled with self harm a lot as well and I really think you're doing really well.

Has anyone talked to you about harm minimisation approaches? It is controversial but I have found it a helpful approach to think that I can keep a tool I know works for me but work towards making it as safe and controlled as possible. I don't know if this makes any sense to you - it's not the right thing for some people but it might be worth considering.

My experience (personal and professional) has been that focusing on stopping isn't necessarily helpful.

Try and take care as best you - sometimes it is desperate and just about survival.

doric sort of like an ex-smoker keeping an unopened packet of cigs in the back of a drawer somewhere?

Hope today has gone Okish fluffy [hug]

Harm minimisation has been raised yes. I like (like is a strange way to describe it but ykwim...) the damage, I SI for the damage and that is hard to replace. I self harm in the same way every time, same thing, same place on my body, I find it hard to imagine not cutting the way that I do. You are right though, reducing damage is something I need to work towards. I have been told that if I continue there could be serious consequences but it just feels like people are trying to scare me.

Feeling pretty low at the moment but trying to carry on.

Sitting in A&E feeling shit, why do I do I do it yo myself. Hppefully I won't be here too long.

(((( fluffy )))) Hope you get home soon.

All stitched up. The Dr was an absolute dick head though. Asked me if I would still self harm if I had to pay for my medical treatment. Didn't ask me if I was on any medication or had an allergies. Said he found it hard to treat SI when there could be people having heart attacks outside. Basically made me feel like shit.

fluffy this is not on. He is supposed to treat you with respect and dignity. It is not his place to ask such questions. I doubt he has any psychiatric experience.

Doubtless he plays rugby, and is happy to have his broken bones mended by the NHS. Does he think that choosing to SI is like choosing to play rugby? Does he understand how much you fight to choose something else instead of doing what you do?

If you came to me when I was in my last job as MH Service User Inclusion Officer, I'd be suggesting you contact PALS, and I'd be supporting you to do so.

This makes me angry. What about the people having heart attacks because they eat crap, smoke and don't exercise?! They chose to live that way, we don't chose to have a mental illness. Sorry for you x

Sorry that post is illiterate, I'm not feeling too good.

I rang PALs this morning on the advice of my MH team. Hopefully something will happen with that.

I am fed up of everything at the moment, trying to take it a day at a time.

Greetings from God. He says you'll get through this and Definitely to stay alive.

ps try saying Hail Mary's / Rosary. I find it enormously helpful in all sorts of situations, especially with anxiety as your mind can't think about something else and might help with the God thing.

Thinking of you (and your DH) fluffy. Hugs to you and please pass one on to DH.