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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
kizzie · 04/03/2013 11:49

Hi Fluffy - will be thinking of you - and we'll all be here waiting for you when you can post again x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 06/03/2013 22:57

Hello :)

I am back at the unit I was on before I went to PICU after 6 days on PICU. It was ok really, very restrictive but ok, the staff were nice and there was a girl I knew there so we played cards and watched TV all day really. I missed texting my DH loads though! You are not allowed to even get yourself a drink, but then tbh I don't mind people bringing me cups of tea!

I got back today and have been pretty shakey, I have been off constant obs for a week now, finding it hard though. I have some planned times on constants here now but not as much (like specific risky times of the day). Trying some different approaches to see what impact that has on me.

Changing my meds from sertraline to fluxoetine (sp) to see if that helps my twitchyness.

So we shall see! I wish I could say things were all better but they aren't but I am here and have had a lovely visit with DH which is positive I guess.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 06/03/2013 23:07

Hello fluffy good to 'see' you. It does sound like you have made progress. Glad different approaches are being tried. Hugs to you and to your lovely DH when you next see him.

Sunnywithshowers · 06/03/2013 23:07

Hello darling how lovely to 'see' you! :)

I hope the new meds start to work soon, they've been good for me in the past. It's a shame you have to get your own tea now, that doesn't sound bad at all...

I'm glad you had a good visit with your DH. Big, big squeezy hugs xxx

Pancakeflipper · 06/03/2013 23:26

Hey Fluffy! It's good to see you again.

Glad you had someone to help you keep entertained. Missed you. Hope your DH gets to see you soon x

Maebe · 07/03/2013 10:00

Hi Fluffy! It's really good to hear from you again. I'm glad you are able to smile, even if it is just online Grin, and that you had a lovely visit with your DH. You sound a bit more upbeat than before, which is great. Keep us posted, we're all here x

Elderflowergranita · 07/03/2013 10:28

Great to see you back Fluffy! I only logged to on to see how you were.

How the new approach will start to make a difference. x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 08/03/2013 00:27

Oh gosh, thank you for these kind messages. Had an up and down day today, finding it hard tonight but we shall see. The unit is so noisy which is unsettling for me.

I have mostly eaten chocolate, bought from ebay (so easy! too easy!) and cried. DH is visiting tomorrow (he doesn't come on Thursdays) and we are having Chinese. Trying to hold onto that thought to be safe. Easier said than done I guess.

OP posts:
leelteloo · 08/03/2013 06:32

Morning Fluffy, hope the unit was quit last night so you could get some rest. X

EmmaGellerGreen · 08/03/2013 08:07

Morning Fluffy, lovely to have you back! Hope you had a restful night.

binger · 08/03/2013 10:33

Morning g fluffy. I've just read through whole thread and posting you for first time. I can't really add to what others have said but I think you are remarkable and strong. Probably doesn't feel like it to you but you have such a battle on your hands and you are winning it.

I loved your pictures, think I might give it a go myself, bet it's really relaxing. Dh keeps telling me I need a hobby! Enjoy your Chinese tonight, dh made a macaroni cheese for us, not my favourite (too stodgy, much rather have Chinese Smile ) but the kids love it.

Keep us posted, everyone really cares about you.

SnowyMouse · 09/03/2013 15:22

Afternoon fluffy, been thinking of you loads. I was sectioned onto a 3 last Wednesday. :(

leelteloo · 09/03/2013 15:30

Are you still on section snowy? Hope you are ok?

SnowyMouse · 09/03/2013 15:52

Section 3 means they can keep you for to 6 months, so I am unfortunately. Sad

leelteloo · 09/03/2013 17:05

Hmm Snowy. Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 09/03/2013 23:05

Oh I love macaroni cheese.

Had a bad few days, had a huge kick off tonight so ALL of my stuff has been taken out, lots of swearing and shouting from me Blush Not my finest moment.

On constants until I go to sleep now.

Sorry about your section Snowy. Did they put you straight on a 3 or via a 2? I am on a 3.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2013 08:55

Oh dear fluffy and you don't seem at all the sweary sort on here... Are the signs still there then? You only seem to have been on ADs - would you consider a mild dose of (say) olanzapine? I have been on this and it's quite gentle.

SnowyMouse · 10/03/2013 09:49

Straight on a 3 as I'm known to them. Sad

I hope today is a better day for you fluffy hugs

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 10/03/2013 23:44

Having not brilliant days. Tried to kill myself a few times, really struggling. Hard work. On constants until I go to sleep at the moment.

Ho hum.

OP posts:
Lucyellensmum95 · 10/03/2013 23:55

aww fluffy - xxx

Sunnywithshowers · 11/03/2013 00:05

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish Fluffy. Big squeezy hugs xxx

SnowyMouse · 12/03/2013 16:07

Thinking of you, .fluffy

Pancakeflipper · 12/03/2013 16:09

Thinking of you Fluffy. Hope today has been a little calmer for you.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 13/03/2013 14:48

Hope everything is going ok with you snowy

Nothing exciting to report here! I have tried a few times (and failed obv!!), had a big meeting about me yesterday, am staying on my Section for now and having some joint working from my CPN and key nurse here.

Feeling quite low (as usual) and very fed up! I have been writing to some friends which helps and I have quite the collection of cards now which is nice, I have a notice board in my room where I can put them up and my friend's little boys drew me some pictures. Have also spent some money on New Look online and M&S (bras!) to try and cheer myself up, oh and I painted my nails a very sparkly gold. At least if I feel shitty inside I can look ok on the outside?

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 13/03/2013 18:14

ooh I need some new bras fluffy, was going to look on the bra-fitting thread where there is some better way of working out what size is needed (sorry, don't know which board) this may or may not be because I seem to have met someone nice Blush

I do wish you could stop trying Sad - however the rest of your news sounds good. What are the pix of?