Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

dear fluffydressinggown, i hope you may have some good company with you through the day, if you feel like it, and your CPN and key nurse are understanding and helpful. it's good you feel like writing to friends and getting new clothes etc isn't it. hope you may have a calmer day.

The weather is miserable here today, rubbish.

I am having take away tonight and then DH will be away at the weekend which will be difficult. I have 2 hours accompanied leave now.

I tried to kill myself last night and was nearly successful. I am so tired of this crap.

Such a happy bunny ;)

Oh fluffy stay with DH and us please.

Where do you go on leave, and what are you having for take-away?

dear fluffy, are the CPN and key nurse with you? perhaps your DH will phone you through the weekend. enjoy your takeaway tonight. kind wishes.

Hello lovely I agree with others on this thread - please stay with us. Xxx Sending you muchb love, take care x

Fluffy I have been following your thread for so long but never posted. I wish I had before, because I want to tell you that I get it. I really do. And I am so sorry for your pain.

Fluffy you stay in this world because you are worthy and loved very much by your husband and family . We care here also on Mumsnet a lot for your safety and recovery .
It is the illness speaking . Just stay with us please a day at a time.
The damp dark days dont help but spring is around the corner .....new life and beginnings and all brighter days . Hold on .

Fluffy what Basset said. You are loved and deserve to live and be well. There are lots of us who care for you here. xxx

Sorry bumping have reported your last post, the one with the link. PM if you want.

Thanks for your kind words, not having a great day so won't add much!

Best wishes Fluffy we are all thinking of you.

Hello Fluffy. Just get through the days, it will get better. Honestly. Take care x

Thank you Silvery

Just checking in to say hi, fluffy and send you a hug.

Hello.

I am currently painting my toenails and fingernails! Very exciting ;) It feels a bit springy here today (FINALLY).

Nothing to add really. Just ploughing through.

OOh get you Fluffy-glam-nails.
Are you as patient with your nail painting as you are with your colouring in?

Springy is good :) and am jealous of glam nails. Mine are a disaster area. x

sending you kind thoughts fluffy

Thinking of you fluffy

Hello fluffy, I have read the entire thread. Just wanted to say hello and I do hope you feel better soon.

By the way I loved your colouring in. I do it when I am anxious, this year we had a colour it in yourself advent calendar.

Well. I have four hours accompanied LEAVE with DH so will be leaving the unit tonight for a bit. Yay :)

On the negative side. I ligatured last night and as they found me I passed out and as I did I and smacked my face along the corner of a tiled wall and so I have bruising all down my face and a black eye. Sexy times.

Very frustrated with my progress and struggling with feeling like such a massive stupid useless failure.

Leave sounds brilliant Fluffy, I hope you have fun.

Big hugs to you xxxx

Enjoy the 4 hrs.