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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/01/2013 22:29

...I don't know how the psychiatrist would answer that question though. Prob too busy reading notes Wink

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 29/01/2013 22:30

:) Just feel so so low tonight.

Glad you are on the up though :)

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 29/01/2013 23:00

I'm sorry you feel so low tonight fluffy

Hang in there lovely xxx

TodaysAGoodDay · 30/01/2013 00:58

I'm thinking of you Fluffy, sorry you are so low. Here's a great big un-MN
(((hug))) for you. Try and stay strong xx

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/01/2013 01:03

have you told the psyche that fluffy?

loved your colouring in btw. really lovely.

you need to level with your psyche fluff - and i hope they listen.

im on 100mg sertraline and i would hope that if i felt as you do now something more would be done.

hang on in there. x

springbanana · 30/01/2013 09:12

I know God is controlling him so I can kill myself. It just feels endless.

So now you think you need the medicine?

Have you explored the OCD possiblity? You seem to think that everything means you have to kill yourself.

Hopefully they figure out what would help you. What is you original diagnosis, if I may ask? I mean the one you were treated accordingly at CMHT.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 31/01/2013 00:24

I am on my phone so excuse crap typing.

I have ocd and bpd

I have told the dr will speak to my cpn.

I had huge nosebleed this afternoon, lasted 2 hours and I soaked through 3 hand towels with blood. Went to a&e where thankfully ut stopped. Dr said it was from me trying to hang myself yesterday. Feels like a punishment so fed up.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 31/01/2013 01:10

Yuck about the nosebleed Fluffy that sounds horrific. :(

It may be a side effect of you trying to hang yourself but it's not a punishment, I'm sure.

Big hugs lovely, sleep well xxx

Pancakeflipper · 31/01/2013 12:40

Hello Fluffy

As SunnywithShowers says it is not a punishment - it's a side effect. Hope you don't anymore though. I have never had a huge nose bleed and I can only think it must leave a metallic taste in your mouth that lasts for ages... urghhhh

Are you seeing any Drs/CPN etc today?

Is your DH coming in this evening? Any food treats? Mccy'D', chinese....

Thinking of you.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 31/01/2013 17:14

fluffy do they understand you are not making attempts on your life because of depression, but because of the signs (if I understand correctly)? Have you explained it all to your nurses and dr? Perhaps the nosebleeds could be a sign that you have done your best and, like Abraham, can now stop trying to make this sacrifice?

Your parents would be devastated if you succeeded. Surely God knows this and would not want it?

NellyBluth · 31/01/2013 18:12

Hi Fluffy, how are you feeling today? Your pictures were lovely, the colours were really striking. Hope you have had an ok day today, managed to have something to eat, and have recovered from that horrible nosebleed. Do keep posting, there are loads of us thinking about you and wishing you all the best x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 01/02/2013 12:30

Hi thanks for your kind words.

The staff and doctors know everything. The doctor said it is intrusive thoughts. I just feel so fed up waiting to die and scared, really scarded.

Had some more smaller nosebleeds but I am ok. Got my period today so in pain.

Seeing my cpn today and dh later, he is still trying to sort out my internet so it is easier to post.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 01/02/2013 17:27

Hi fluffy How's it going? Been thinking of you.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat · 01/02/2013 17:28

They are a bit more than intrusive though if you are acting on them? What is it you are scared of?

springbanana · 01/02/2013 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bassetfeet · 01/02/2013 19:18

Been thinking of you a lot Fluffy .

Hope the nose bleeds have stopped and you have been able to get some meds from the nurses for your period pain . Wish I could magic you a nice warm hot water bottle for your tummy . And some hot chocolate .
You mentioned colouring a peacock a while back . Would like to see pic if you are up to it . We have some at local zoo . Hold on Fluffy if you can please .

stay safe . Thanks

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 01/02/2013 21:50

I'll take some more photos tomorrow and post them then.

My CPN was lovely and very supportive, she had a chat with my key worker about things and they seem to have made a plan for some meetings etc.

I am just scared of dying I guess. I know I am lucky that God chose me, but it is hard. My CPN said I should be on my Section and it is right that I am on constant obs. I have not had a wee in peace for a while now ;)

DH bought me some DVDs and new colouring books tonight and my friend sent me a lovely package so that was nice and we had fish and chips with the nurses. The staff here are lovely.

springbanana - I really don't find it helpful when you talk about slicing etc

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 01/02/2013 22:20

Looking forward to the photos Fluffy.

And glad your CPN has been and had a chat with you and your key worker, and an action plan is coming together. That sounds to be a positive step forward for you.

I am becoming fond of your DH, he sounds a gem Fluffy, hunting out colouring books for you and fish'n'chips .... Did he get your Internet connection sorted ? Then we think he is a star!

Sleep well Fluffy.

vacuuming · 01/02/2013 23:09

Hi Fluffy, I've been reading your thread the past few days, just wanted to formally say hello, and let you know there is another MN'r out here thinking of you. Do take a few more pics of your pics, I'd love to see them. What is your favourite takeaway food? I love Chinese, but DH hates it so we get Indian as a compromise Smile

Sunnywithshowers · 01/02/2013 23:54

Hello lovely

Your DH sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy the DVDs and the colouring books. Fish and chips sounds great, it's my favourite take away.

Big hugs xxx

sj2008 · 02/02/2013 09:21

Hey fluffy. Thinking of you this morning while bored at work! Hope you managed a reasonable nights sleep and that you are able to be kind to yourself today? X x

springbanana · 02/02/2013 10:35

Sorry being explicit, but I just wanted to say one can act on intrusive thoughts. However, when I started to get these thoughts again years later, I was offered quetapine to stop them...

Sunnywithshowers · 02/02/2013 14:38

Hello fluffy I hope your day is going well? x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 02/02/2013 14:59

Yes my husband is very lovely, he says he is worried about me but when I am gone he will understand.

He has finally sorted out my internet, it is still a little slow but so much better! He works in IT though so he should be good at things like this.

I really like Chinese and fish and chips. I don't mind an Indian but I am not keen on spicy so I always have a korma and lots of naan bread. I don't like take away pizzas, too greasy, we normally have one on a Friday night but we buy it from the supermarket.

My friend came today, she was quite upset because she said I seemed so calm and accpting of my destiny. She said she hadn't seen me like this before, she bought me some chocolate and magazines (and cigarettes). Both her and my CPN said that I seem very detatched from things. Which is true, but, I know God's plan so why would I doubt him? I do get scared of the moment I do it, but I also know it is the right thing to do.

I have waffled on sorry! I have some more pictures to share :)
This is my favourite
Peacock
Blue patterns
Paisley

Sorry so many. And I hope you don't mind me posting, I know it might seem unlikely that I can talk about normal things and be online when I feel like this but I have to pass the time somehow you know. I would hate to think that anyone thinks I am making it up.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 02/02/2013 15:36

Those are lovely pictures fluffy, great colour schemes. Are you taking any meds at the moment?