Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Hi Fluffy
Absolutely no one here thinks you are making up how you feel..not at all.
I guess that we are all naturally worried about you and pleased to see you posting and sharing how you feel .

I love those pics . My favourite is the peacock [as I thought I would ] . All are so well done in such vibrancy . They remind me of wraps and scarves I use .
That started me googling fabric painting/colouring in .

Dont know if it may interest you Fluffy and I cant get the link to copy
but you can get templates /transfers and fabric crayon/paint online if you fancy a change and make yourself a wrap or scarf . Just a thought mind .
Google if you fancy a look. fabric painting and transfers . I imagine they advise re the right fabric to use if interested . Sorry if I am rabbiting .

Take care and stay safe for now. A day at a time is good .

if I can get decent link to work later will post . I sadly am a dinosaur of the internet age . Anyway those pics are lovely . Might you frame your favourite ?

My favourite is the blue pattern. You are really talented, love the colour schemes! I love bassetfeet's idea to make a wrap or scarf, I think those designs would look fab on a scarf and they would really jazz up a plain coloured shirt. Don't know if this is the kind of thing she is talking about, but might be worth a look Paint a Silk Scarf

Funny Fluffy, we ALWAYS get korma and Naan. We order one korma between us, 2 naans and an extra portion of sauce. My brother is always horrified as he likes really really hot curries. We got one once to please him and it was so bad, I felt like my mouth was on fire!! Mmm, love puppodoms as well....I'm getting hungry now even thinking about it!! Hope your day is going ok! Keep posting, looking forward to hearing what's for dinner tonight!

I think I like the blue one best today. But also really like the first one.

I love kormas. We have discovered a new curry restaurant and they do some amazing curries that aren't at the average takeaway so I feel brave in spreading my curry horizons. But if I go somewhere I am not sure of then it's a korma. Also the pickle tray - mango chutney! Yum.

Fluffy, I think it's rather sensible of you to have thread where you can come to on here and 'waffle' ( you don't waffle though). I doubt anyone thinks you are making up your situation.

Glad your DH has sorted out the Internet.

What you up to tonight? Think it's an episode or 2 of the West Wing for me and a glass of wine and my jigsaw. We really rock don't we?

Well we had a power cut tonight at the unit, so we had 4 hours without power! Luckily the workmen who cut off the power brought over some LED lamps and the unit had emergency lighting so I sat in the very dim light and played scrabble and coloured in. My husband visited and we sat in a lounge with lighting and played Scrabble until the emergency lighting ran out and suddenly it went pitch black. Luckily my constant was there with a torch.

The power is all back on now.

My DH always gets a rogan josh and hates kormas! I am having a sandwich tonight ;) Very exciting! The fabric thing sounds nice but unfortunately my OCD means I can't do mess, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I CANNOT draw. I am good with colours but only when the picture is already drawn!

I feel quite muddled tonight and sad which is difficult, but I will be safe with my constants.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling sad and muddled tonight. The power cut may have unsettled you a bit, I'm not a great fan of them and can never find a torch when I need one. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling sad and muddled tonight. The power cut may have unsettled you a bit, I'm not a great fan of them and can never find a torch when I need one. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Eventful evening Fluffy.

Hope you do sleep and feel more rested in the morning. Stay safe.

Hi Fluffy

I'm sorry that you're feeling muddled and sad, but glad that you feel safe. That's not a bad thing.

I'm sure none of us thinks you're making it up, I certainly don't.

I loved your paisley colouring, you really do have an eye for colour.

I hope you sleep well, speak tomorrow. xxx

Hi fluffy, how's it going?

Hello, it is very grey here today. I slept badly and I feel very tired today. Not having a great day, full of signs and hard to focus.

DH is coming later.

Sorry to be so negative, I just have nothing to say.

Sorry about your sleep, that makes everything else seem worse I hope DH is distracting for you.

It's blowing a gale here - v noisy last night.

But at last I can see the days are lengthening, and the grape hyacinths are putting up leaves in the garden.

Very wintry here too Fluffy. Did your DH come to see you? I've never played a game of scrabble, I'm quite jealous of you and your lovely DH playing it.

I thrashed him at Scrabble and he made me cakes so we ate them (little fairy cakes). I was so sad though and just cried and cried.

I feel so low tonight. Just had a sandwich (cheese) and about to eat my apple. Healthy choices ;)

Don't worry about feeling low, that is probably to be expected following the eventful evening of no electric and disturbed sleep. Hopefully tomorrow you will feel much calmer.

I have taken to playing Bookworm again at the moment. I love that game, trying to get blue tiles!

Am hopeless at Scrabble. Funnily enough I made date rock cakes last night. (Just don't ask how many are left...)

I feel like I should be good at Scrabble. I have an English degree and I am a qualified teacher, what do I have if not words and good spellings.

The unit is very noisy and busy tonight but hopefully will settle down. I am going to go and watch a DVD in a bit.

Hi fluffy, been following your thread and quietly worrying about you. I didn't want to post because I thought it might feel overwhelming to have too many points of view. But I was so pleased to read that you feel safe with your constant; I think it shows a small shift in how you are perceiving things. I really hope the signs start to lessen and your feelings of fear and sadness begin to be more manageable. Have a restful night.

Yeah I found it a bit noisy from time to time when I was in in July. Though there was a quiet room you could go to (if not being used by a patient-staff consultation).

I do think the first and foremost thing is to feel safe. Which I am happy to say I did.

I'm good at spelling and words - but hopeless when it comes to Scrabble and anagrams.

Hello lovely

I hope you get a restful night's sleep tonight.

I'm fab at spelling and so on, but can't play Scrabble to save my life. My BIL, who can't spell, is terrific. He always beats me - he's a tactical player.

Big hugs xxx

Thank you for your kind words :)

I had a funny morning, kept waking up and then going back to sleep, didn't shower until after 12

I have beaten some staff at Scrabble ;) and eaten some chocolate. The unit has calmed down a bit now.

Still feel really crap but it is what it is I guess.

I'm glad the unit is a bit quieter fluffy, long may it stay that way!

Hi Fluffy, hope today was a little better for you. I'm a teacher too (obviously not an English one though - my lack of scramble experience would go against me).

I am (was) a primary school teacher.

Not had a great day, very fed up and confused. Just had my dinner (prawn sandwich) and going downstairs to watch a DVD and eat chocolate and drink full fat coke ;)

I just want it to be finished. When I saw DH tonight when he dropped off my tea I said goodbye because I know tomorrow I will come off my constants and kill myself, I am so sad I won't see him again, I love him so much.

Hi fluffy I'm sorry you've had a blah day.

You do know that you don't have to kill yourself tomorrow, don't you? It's okay to stay around and be with your DH. You deserve to love and be loved.

Please talk with the people in the ward about how you're feeling.

Big hugs xxx