Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Serendipity and synchronicity together....

[ChildofIsis]

Indeed.
If nothing else in all that I'm going through I've seen how many wonderfull friends I've got, in rl as well as in cyber space.

I think that after this I can cope with pretty much anything that life throws at me.
And I know that I won't have to go through it on my own either.

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Grrrr....just typed a long post, and the server at Mumsnet was down and LOST it!
Isis. When you've been divorced once, as i have unfortunatley, you know you will survive.

You need to keep the receipt, then when they are faulty you return then to the Manshop. Anyf said in fact that it is Poundland.....

[ChildofIsis]

I was in poundland yesterday, thank goodness I didn't buy anything.
I might've accidently bought another one!

I do know I will survive and that I will make the best of it.
However that knowledge doesn't stop the hurt.

It is getting easier, it's been 8 weeks now so I'm in to the habit of it.
The shittyness of it doesn't go away though and xh is still pushing for things to go his way.

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Yes Isis i had this last time (sigh) but it does get better, honestly....

Slept 8hrs last night, through to 6 this morning. Woo hoo!

[ChildofIsis]

Steady on you won't need this thread soon!
All this normal sleeping is stopping the postings!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Have pm'd you Isis.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Six o clock is stupid-o-clock though....given a choice, one would remain in bed until at least 0800 hrs, and then have breakfast in bed.

[ChildofIsis]

But to have breakfast in bed requires a willing breakfast maker, DD is 5 so doesn't use the kettle yet.
As soon as she can reach safely she'll learn the art of making Earl Grey for mummy.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Quite. But mine is a teenager and I will send her to boot camp on a course.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Been WOKEN at 0320 by my recently acquired but not new mobile phone telling me that my Yahoo password, which it objected to days ago was incorrect. What?Why are you telling me this now you absolute a**e peculiar piece of technology? Is technology conspiring against me?

Due to go on holdiday with the mil today....my idea weirdly, but before all the other stuff obvs. Rang her yesterday to finalise....and she had FORGOTTEN we were going. So we could have gone without her after all, and not even risked offending her!

[ChildofIsis]

Oh Parsley that is too precious!
'You could've gone without her and she'd never known'

Maybe you could take her and then forget to bring her back instead!
Mind you you clearly get on ok with her or you wouldn't have been going in the first place.

My in-laws passed away a few years ago.
In view of current circumstances I'm glad about it.
I don't think they would have been happy with what their son has done.

I know what you mean about 'peculiar' bits of technology, my radio alarm woke us at midnight last tuesday! The electric had been off and I forgot that the alarm resets to 12am.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

No Isis she is an intefering old trout! Many of ph's probs with women are down to her....just felt sorry for her. It's only about a year since she was widowed. Have packed a travel kettle in case I need to hole out in the bedroom for long periods of time.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Isis its this week your birth mum comes isn't it?

[ChildofIsis]

Yes it is Parsley, it's kind of you to remember.

We're meeting her and her DH at our holiday flat at 3pm.
DD can't wait.
DD's only met her once at my Mum's in the summer hols.
I think DD will get to have an active set of grandparents to have fun with.
My Mum and Stepdad are much older and really quite ill.

Birth mother wants to have DD to stay with her and her DH in the summer hols, DD can't wait for that either.
I think DD has inherited my impatient streak.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Sounds lovely Isis. Is that today then? How did it go for you both?

[ChildofIsis]

Hi Parsley, we met up with them at 3pm and were with them till 5.30pm.
It was very emotional, mind you it has been the other times that we've met.

BM said 'see you tomorrow' then realised what she'd said and started to cry. I still don't think she's accepted that we've found each other iykwim.

As bm said on one level we know each other thoroughly, we think alike and look alike (which is my dream come true), however on other levels we're strangers and it's a delicate thing finding our way around each other.

I really feel like a part of her/my family, as if I've never been away.
But there's 43 years of catching up to do.

And there's the elephant in the room that is my birth father.
I know the facts laid out in the forms I've got, and bm said she'd had a short affair with him; he was married; however I would like to know everything there is to know but realise that may not ever happen.
It may never be appropriate to ask and that's ok.
I'm hopefull that bm will volunteer the information at some point in the future.

I've got another 'meeting' with xh on wednesday evening to try and sort out our seperation.
He talks a good game but I'm not seeing any results yet.
He always was a procrastinator.
He gives 100% at work and is a lazy arse at home which means nothing ever gets done if it's up to him.
We've got a financial settlement to sort out, my name to put on utility bills, insurance etc to alter.
Most of which requires some input from him.
I wonder why it hasn't been done yet!!!

It's almost as if he's in denial as to what he's done.
He's in no hurry to divorce and when I say that I could push one through before xmas he gets all agitated and backs off.

He's such a tit, thank goodness he's gone.

Sorry that turned out to be a tome! [hsmile]

[ParsleyTheLioness]

No worries,Isis, glad it was good for you with bm.
I have had about 4 hrs sleep, but will try and get some more.

Have done another thread about my 'holiday' in relationships, this morning when i couldn't sleep.

Stbxh is being a prat for you, isn't he?

[ChildofIsis]

I saw the thread title and wondered if it was you.
Xh isn't doing himself any favours at present.

It's untested territory for all of us I suppose.
Although I would have thought he'd be more prepared considering he's been having this affair for so long.

It's like this is a surprise to him too, as if!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Isis you would think wouln't you? Beggars belief.
Ph and mil are being dreadful....have two more days of this, if I don't bail out.

[ChildofIsis]

I would love to reassure you that eventually you'll be rewarded for your perseverence and tolerance, but from where I'm standing life doesn't have many rewards to hand out! Ha ha. [hgrin]

Had a sad evening due to having the family albums out for bm to look at.
There was so much love between xh and me when DD was born, where did it all go?
Then I foolishly let myself watch a video of the first song me and xh ever smooched to.
I'm sure I must be a masochist or have MUG stamped on my head or something.

I do know that there are lots of positives in this for me and DD, just feeling very sad about it all tonight.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Isis stop that. That way madness lies. if you can't resist watching the video, give it to a trusted friend to look after until you are ok about it all.

PH been an arse all day. Mil being....mil. So a bit of a cow then. Have spent36 hrs competing for Alpha Woman status in the holiday cottage we paid for....She keeps putting the salt and pepper away, that I have deliberately left out on the table. That and massage Best Boy's ego. He has made sure that she has seen he is sleeping on a blow-up bed to garner sympathy. If she says one negative thing about it tome I will tell her why her precious boy is banished to bedroom siberia.

[ChildofIsis]

The video was part of a documentary on the origins of music videos.[neanderthal emoticon needed]

I've woken up crying again this morning although I did sleep for 7+ hours.
I feel empty and bereft at the thought of a life without the man who was the love of my life.
I know that man hasn't existed for a long time; if ever; however the sadness is nauseating.

It's funny I thought having grandparents visiting would fill out time and make the week easier.
Actually it means I'm not getting the space I'm used to to just 'be' without talking about stuff.
Of course bm wants to know about our past to help her get to know us and on one level I want to tell her, it just brings up memories of good times that have me questioning why he would do what he did.
If we'd had a crap marraige with no sort of connection between us I could understand it better.

I know what you're thinking, it is driving me mad and I will stop thinking like this, I know it's just a 'wallowing in the shit' drama.
I do feel the need to feel this sadness to be able to move on a bit more though.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

5
hrs sleep! margaret thatcher managed on 4 hrs, so....

You are bringing stuff up with bm, and you have stirred some silt up from the bottom of your river bed...how long are they here for

[ParsleyTheLioness]

It will be ok for you. It was for me, and it will be again. Idon't care if its a documentary, it still counts. Put it on the attic if you can't bear to have it away from your house.

Promise me you won't watch it?