Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

[ChildofIsis]

Have a look at wednesday's posts, I'd been on the rose and we were talking about keeping people alive to suffer rather than a joint murder pact.

Although the latter does seem attractive just now.

I'm glad you're essentially ok.
I'm in the mega pissed off/ thank fuck he's gone camp tonight.

He's been round sorting out utility bills etc.
I made a comment about him being disorganised about it all, and why hadn't he given it more thought seeing as how it's been going on so long.
I got a load of grief about how I'm 'picking on' him. Poor thing, what a shame!

I don't think he likes the truth up close. Well tough!

Been at the docs today for more pain killers for my back, doc asked how it was all going and said my being angry would help, we know that it was repressed anger that contributed to my breakdown 20 odd years ago.

I can't wait for it all to be sorted then I can just get on with my life.
I want to get to where it's just about our parenting DD and not about finances etc. Although I'm sure it won't be that simple.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

You will get there in the end Isis it just seems endless at the time....
He has gone, and I feel relief, but pain, and bewilderment that someone would screw a relationship up in that way, and hate someone enough to treat them like this. The fact that he hates daughter somuch beggars belief. He just hates strong women, and fortunatley the Chosen One is being raised in my image, and he can't cope. His mother must be so proud.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

It will be ok in the end Isis. I need to keep going for the next few days, and try and get some sleep. Thanks for your concern x

[ChildofIsis]

Sleep is a bit elusive though isn't it?

I am struggling with my mind wanting me to think of all the times in the past few years when we've seemingly been happy that I now know he was with her as well.
I just can't seem to get over the betrayal.

All the times he's encouraged me and DD to be interested in planning for the future. A future he clearly was never going to have with us.
Even as recently as this summer he was talking about when we go back to florida in years to come, he had no intention of going there again with us.
Goodness knows why we went in the first place, his mistress had just had his child at the time.
I thought we had a fantastic holiday but I can't think of it the same anymore.
I'm really angry with him for putting DD and I through all this.

What a selfish twat!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes. There mind's are something of a foreign country aren't they.

On't other thread, a wise mner, I will use the acronym WMN talks about grieving for the marriage you thought you had....applies to your situation too. Have a look if you get chance, would be interested what you think on Fred or PM....Got 7 hrs sleep last night, without any sleeping aids. Was just so tatered I knew I would fall asleep, just not sure about getting up at stupid o clock.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Just seen I put there and not their in the first line. I do know this really....v trivial, anyhoo.

Just thought. Any experience of this? A while ago he took his wedding ring off (months) took me a while to spot it, no idea how long. When I asked he said it was only recently off, cos he'd been doing something that might damage it, and he put it on again...
Now, I can't get mine off easily cos my fingers have got bigger along with the rest of me I believe soooo much in the holy bond crap but I will have a sneaky obs today in macs. I know it will go on and off again at will, but he might have forgotten about it.

[ChildofIsis]

I removed mine 2 days after the confession when I realised the man I was in love with didn't exist and I certainly wasn't in love with the one who'd just dumped me.
He didn't take his off until 10 days later, wtf!

Xh never took his off once he'd got used to it.
He'd never worn a ring before we married and kept pushing it too far up his finger and making the webbing between his fingers sore.

I've been watching the other thread with interest.
There is so much wisdom on MN.
MN for president!!

I'm glad you got a better night. Life looks better after a good sleep doesn't it?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, and toast with almond butter, and a cup of tea.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Wish I could get to sleep now...was asleep at 8,30, then someone woke me up at 9,30....a nice text, but I'm going to have to try to remember to put the phone off, or leave in downstairs...but I like to have it with me, its a security thing.

[ChildofIsis]

Morning Parsley, I hope you got back to sleep ok.

I was at a halloween party last night, a spiritual one, not just booze!

DD woke at 4.45am and didn't go back to sleep, bloody clock changes. Thankfully she doesn't go back to school till tomorrow.
I dozed off and on but got to thinking as you do in the early hours.
I realised yesterday when xh came to do the bedtime thing with DD that I have very little feeling toward him at all. Which I think is a very good thing.

Today is Samhain (hallowe'en), the pagan new year's eve.
It is a time in the year when the past and the future merge, the path between life and death, old and new is very short. It is an opportunity to give thanks and show gratititude to those gone before and to slough off all that has no benefit to your life.

Exactly what I need.
I am truly excited about the future, not least because the builder starts today to get my new bedroom ready to move into.
I hope you have a good day too! [hsmile]

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Got to sleep about 0130 I think, up 7, but I reckon I had about an hour before the phone, so not too bad.
I like the idea of the Samhain...will light a candle for my Nan I think.She died this time abouts last year oddly.

What's the builder doing to your room? Knew you were having it decorated, or does your builder do decorating too?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

When I couldn't sleep, i got some washing sorted, etc. came back with two lots of bedding from cottage as not provided.

Also did some hat making...have recently set up a not for profit venture. I've got a community page on facebook. This might prove a really good distraction, but I do need some more paid work I think.

[ChildofIsis]

It needs plastering first.
It has been used as a work room for 22 years and the walls are in a state.
So once the plastering is done I will start painting.
Probably be able to do that next week.

Xh got the first of the bills for the work that's being done, the look on his face was priceless, he said 'how much!'I just smiled sweetly and said nothing.

I've stopped sending him the 'daily update' texts that we've done for years.
When he left he asked if I would continue them so that he knew what was happening with DD.
Over the weeks I've become increasingly uncomfortable about them.
Sending them seemed to be trapping me in past behaviour that isn't appropriate now.
I haven't sent one since saturday. Yesterday am he texted at 11am to see if all was ok.
Shows where his priorities lie as I would usually text him as soon as we get up.
He still hasn't cottoned on to the fact that the door is always locked when he comes round, it's really funny seeing him try to open the door and it staying closed. I know it's petty but what the hell!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Isis he can't come round and just walk in. It's your home, sod this it's half my house nonsense, you don't do it at his...

[ChildofIsis]

Do you know I had been thinking that.
I always knock at his, mind you I'm polite and don't have a huge sense of entitlement.
I am going to give him his key back this week, it's not appropriate for me to be able to just go to his, also whilst I have a key he can still expect me to go and let workmen in etc.

I have got his key for mine 'for the builder', I won't be giving it back.
I have realised that the only way forward is to break all familiar 'married' behaviours.
Doing so is painful; it's so final; but is completely necessary.
I need to stop the old ways so that room can be made in my life for new ways.

It is such unfamiliar territory that staying with the old ways appears attractive.
However staying trapped in the past out of fear is not going to do me or DD any favours.

I hope you're doing ok today, I've been wondering how you are getting on.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I'm right of this Fred. You're right on the other Fred.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Right ON this Fred ....(thread, but sounds better).

[ChildofIsis]

Well I've just posted on here twice to find I'd been logged out wtf is going on with MN at the moment?

I hope you're ok.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Got a relate appointment today, but i have said I see it as a safe place to talk about access etc...it is not a good idea to see her without someone else while he just tries to get her on side, involves her in our drama, and then lies about what he has said to her when she comes to me in bits...I am sad, and v upset at times, but still feel I am doing the right thing. Someone who truly loved me and his daughter would not be treating us like this, and four separate blocks of therapy have not helped him beyond the time they were happening. Have survived 5 nights on my own, logging them on a chart....

[ChildofIsis]

Well done you.

You are right that the way he's treated you and your DD not being the way someone ought to be with the family they love.

I've discovered that people can be very odd whilst justifying their behaviour to suit their own ends.

Hope all goes well today.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Had to pull the above one, realised later I had named dd...head not with it properly. Don't know if you saw it before I had it pulled...

[ChildofIsis]

I did see it and thought that you may pull it.
It didn't occur to me to mention it to you though.
It's obvious now that you hadn't intended to name her.
My head's not exactly where it ought to be either. What a pair!

I'm struggling with changing ingrained 'married' behaviour patterns. I am actually doing well with it, it's my thought processes that I'm having a fight with.
Having decided to stop all unnecessary texts/communication I've had some really sad/low moments when I've had the phone in my hand to text xh about something funny DD's done and realised that I can't share this stuff with him in the same way anymore.
For an instance I am the most lonely person in the world, then I do send the text but to one of my friends instead.
So I'm actually sharing more with my friends than I have for years, result!

I'm going to give him my key to his vehicle today.
We had said we'd continue to share vehicles for the time being.
However I know that he takes ow out in his and I don't want any part in that, so I'll get my stuff out of it and then that's another link broken.

This link breaking feels like it will be painfull until I actually do it, then it's a huge relief.

The builder discovered a leak in my roof during the torrential rain yesterday.
Thank goodness he does roofing too.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Know what you mean...I have times in the day when I am very sad, and cry for a bit...and then I need to look at my list of why you have to be out of it...for now, probably for ever.
And when the man came to fix the dishwasher, he commented, as I have been doing for ages, on how many leaks there were under the sink. So he didn't fix lots of things when he was here. And ah was a plumber....

[ChildofIsis]

It's the same here.
Loads of jobs that xh is capable of doing that have never been done.
Well they're being done now and he will have to pay the bill.
At present I think his wallet is the only sensitive bit he's got.