Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

[ChildofIsis]

Ooooh we're on page 6!!!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Ooh err, so we are...yes, they are such Plonkers aren't they? I think given what you have said, he could neither CAT egorically or DOG egorically guarantee the child was his....OW's I mean. Jeremy Kyle do free dnas btw....
My ah was suggesting that I might have put it about a bit, as a justification for the cyber-stalking. What he found was tres dull, and a bit rich considering he had signed up for online dating, and spent lots on 192.com credits, for gawd knows what purpose. Am off to change the will tomorrow...

[ChildofIsis]

Just had yet another dissatisfying phone call with xh.
There are so many 'miscommunications/misunderatandings' between us at present that he must be doing it on purpose!
He agrees to stuff then does something different and says he 'thought' he'd do it the new way as that is what he 'thought' I'd want.

I know he's not really doing it on purpose, I suppose he's just as mixed up as I am. It's infuriating though.

I am being very precise and specific in my communications so that there are no misunderstandings then he goes and does what he likes, as ever.
In truth he's often second guessed me and I've not really been bothered about it. Anything for a quiet life.

I've made it clear to him that he doesn't make any decisions about DD or me without consulting me first. It's clear that he's struggling to do that.
I caught him making arbitary decisions about the business during the week, I was furious.
Fortunately it wasn't something that came off so it's no big deal now.
I would have thought that he would want to be as clear as possible in view of all the lies he's been telling in the past.

It's as if he's carrying on as normal even though we're not together anymore.
I wish he'd just sort himself out.

Aaaarrrrhhhh! End of rant.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Mm. Bit convenient to remember the convos in a way which suits himself tho....I think that's why some people have to resort to only communicating thru solicitors....no wiggle room there.

[ChildofIsis]

Funnily enough when I suggest doing that he suddenly remembers everything accurately.
The only way to get to a yorkshireman is through his pocket.
He's desperate not to involve solicitors anymore than is necessary as he'll end up footing the bill.

Unfortunately for DD she's doing exactly the same today, her excuse is that she's 5 and it's normal for a 5 yr old to not listen properly.
She's out at cadets at the mo so I've got a bit of peace time to do jobs!!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Otherwise you could just use texts, save them, then forward them when he does summat different...must me something in the air, I couldn't get dd out of bed again this morning....

[ChildofIsis]

That's not a situation I've ever encountered. DD is an early riser like me.
Too early some days though.
I dare say when teen years come along it'll be a different situation.

What do you do to motivate a bed slug?

Xh took DD to the school's big breakfast this morning, he sent some photos which I thought was nice of him.
He is human, then!!

Mind you he changed this weekend's plans last night to DD's detriment, so maybe he isn't after all.

Do you know what I really miss is a lovely big hug from somone who's got my best interests at heart.
Mind you Xh hasn't been that person for a long time and I've managed ok.

I don't mind being on my own; I do like my own company; it's the loneliness that I don't like.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, when the piggin bus driver just drove right past me the other day, after I had waited half an hour, I wanted someone to tell. I was doing that dance to let the bus driver know I wanted to get on the bus,and wasn't just standing for no apparent reason at the bus stop, which made it embarassing in front of people on the bus already at the bus stop.
He would have sympathised, but would probly not have meant it.

[ChildofIsis]

I had my big hug last night, well metaphorically at least.
My Mum rang, she's home from hospital and much more herself than she's been for months.
I know this is probably just a reprieve, no-one recovers from congestive heart failure without a transplant; I am very gratefull to have the extra time with her.
I had thought I would never see her again.

There is just so much going on at the minute that at times I find myself sinking below it all.
Then I remember that life will calm down eventually then I will be able to take stock and see where I have learned and where I could do different.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

That is good news...fortunately I am distracted by a new business-type venture, which is keeping me sort of sanish. Did have a moment in the car on the way back from a meeting when I thought of some good advice ah had given me.
sometimes over 20 yrs I got a glimpse of the man he might have become, had he not gone down his chosen career path of being an Arse instead. This was sad, but I'll get over it.

[ChildofIsis]

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that 'arse' is the default setting for some men.
Some manage it well until a crisis comes along, some are like it all along and some never are.
Unfortunately the former are the ones that masquerade as good guys.

DD is having a 'sad' day today.
I think she's on some sort of delayed sympathy reaction to me.
When I've been having 'sad' days she seems to get them about 3 days later.
Maybe she sub-conciously realises that we can't really afford for both of us to be down at the same time.
She's such an angel.
We're at a party at 3.30pm so that should cheer her up.

I hope you and your DD are having a good weekend.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Not too bad ta...have been teaching a craft class this morning, which was ok. Did not get all my fee, which was a bit annoying, but still money I didn't have before.

[ChildofIsis]

I get to have my first night's sleep in my new attic bedroom tonight!
I thought I'd never get there.

DD is also in her new room tonight too.
The redecoration starts tomorrow all being well.
DD's full of cold and is coughing fit to burst so she may be off school tomorrow.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Exciting - new bedroom! I might get a new carpet & curtains at some point, room is too small to rearrange I think, but it will be good for you, and dd I think.
You can have a watch tv under a duvet on the sofa day tommorow, and drink hot chocolate. With or without marshmallows.

[ChildofIsis]

It's DD that is under the fleece on the sofa, we may have a dvd this afternoon though.

First night in our new rooms was ok, DD awake lots though.
The stairs may finish me off!
It's one thing to leap out of bed to go through to the back bedroom, another thing entirely to leap out of bed avoiding banging head on roof beam and descend steep stairs.
I will have to finally get a banister rail up to the attic.

I didn't think about xh as much in the night; you know the brain going over memories and explainations type stuff; so maybe being in a different room will be beneficial to the healing process.

It's such a mix of positive and negative that it's mashing my head.
I hope one day to be able to just get on with life without the past tripping me up emotionally.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

You will get used to not banging your head...may do it a couple of times in the interim. Think how fit and thin you will be will all the extra excercise of the stairs.

I went to go out on my bike today....part way down the road, discovered the front tyre has got some kind of rubber fatigue. Another job for sdad, as won't be able to get it into my car for the bike shop.

Yes, emotions are difficult. I hate ah at the moment, and am angry he has put dd and I through this. She hates him too, so he's going to have to improve his ways with her if he wants any kind of meaningful relationship.

[ChildofIsis]

Life throws some really sad curve balls at times doesn't it?

I'm just struggling with the truth of what xh has done.
I know it has happened but still find it hard to accept that the man I once loved is capable of being such a callous, disrespectful dickhead.

Then I have a day like yesterday when he was really supportive and helpful.
That almost makes it worse cos I get a glimpse of the lovely man he can be, and know that he's choosing to be with someone else.

What a bloody mess!

The electric went off at 5am, DD had just woken from a dream to see her digital clock go off, it scared her.
I rang the emergency electric from bed and it was back on in 50 minutes.
What a nice engineer.
Mind you the silly woman who first answered the call did the whole 'if it's your fault, then you'll have to pay a call out fee'.
I wonder how many people sit in the cold and dark cos they're scared of a fee.
It's bollocks, the engineer could see that there was a fault and fixed it quickly.

I'm having my hair cut today so I may feel a bit more human.
I have it very short and spiky, I hate it when it gets 'long', it doesn't spike so easily then.

[ChildofIsis]

Lovely short hair, I feel like 'me' again.

I've had quite a productive day at work and am feeling much better about things.

Did you get your bike sorted out?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, got new tyre, now fitted, 12.95. Job done. DM and DSD here. Hair sounds good. I had mine subtly streaked last week. Tis fab.

[ChildofIsis]

I've given up on subtle, I've got yellow and pink steaks growing out and am going for purple and red next. My hair is very dark brown with lots of 'grow your own' highlights in white!

It's amazing how a new 'do' can make such a difference.

I'll finally get to start on DD's new room tomorrow.
Woodchip to strip and paintwork to prepare ready for painting next week.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Stripping woodchip is hard....reward yourself later with chocolate and wine and a nice scented bath.

[ChildofIsis]

Ooh I forgot to say that my chimney is being swept tomorrow too.

So at least one 'flue' in the house is being seen to !!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Good. All jobs off the list.

[ChildofIsis]

I had a crap evening last night.
Full of thoughts of why xh didn't try to make our marriage work, why he looked for someone else, why he wasn't honest etc.

He is unable/unwilling to answer my questions.
He's broken my heart and torn my family apart and he doesn't know why, wtf?

He says he's sorry he's hurt me, but is not sorry he's done what he's done.
What a complete arsehole!
I wish I never had to see him again.
Unfortunately it's not that simple.

My mind keeps trying to trip me up with thoughts that I've just been a convenience to him.
I know this is untrue but it doesn't stop my mind telling it to me.

I think the move to the attic has triggered another layer of soul-searching and it's not very pleasant.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Ok, you will get over this...we both will. Have you ever come accross the Five stages of Grief model, for loss issues, which include bereavement, divorce, among others. Wikipedia do a link to it, I came accross it when I trained as a counsellor. This is maybe in the depression phase, and you can move about between the stages....I have been doing this recently. I agree its very tragic that you can love someone, who appears, or in fact does, love you back, then they smash that relationship to pieces. This is about Them not Us. A major Flaw. They are not worth our love....but who knows, there may be someone out there who is. And if I never meet Him, being on my own is prefererable to being ground down every day with misogynistic behaviour.
There might be something you can add to your attic bedroom, some kind of symbol that would help you. I'll have a think. Can you think of something very meaningful to you that might help a bit?