Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

[ChildofIsis]

Well I've had a shit evening, rowed with arsehole ex on phone.

He's determined to stay living where he is and will eventually move ow in with him.
His sol apparently said I have no claim over the bungalow as it was left to him! That was in response to me saying I wanted 75% if ow moved in.

Although later in the call he agreed that all inheritences are joint when married, wtaf!
He seems to think I'm being unfair, I actually couldn't be more fair.
My sol thinks I've been too nice so far.

Mind you the penny dropped that if he takes me to court it'll be him that pays as I'm reliant on him for my income at present, finally he gets it.
He now realises that he's shooting himself in the foot when he drags things out.

Looks like I've got a call to the sols tomorrow.

DD isn't well, full of cold so no school for her tomorrow, a duvet day I think.

[ThePinkPussycat]

I hope this all came from him, Isis, and that you gave him no info of your own - a counsel of perfection when you are having a row, I know, but important if you can manage it. Do not argue your case with him, leave that to your sol. After any communication, write down anything he said that might be of use - not as 'evidence' or anything like that, but to get a fuller picture of his model of the world and his strategy.

re-reading your post - was it during this row that you said about wanting 75% if ow moved in, or through your sol?

How are you negotiating, through sols, mediation or collaborative law or what (sorry if you've already said). Of course, this doesn't rule out discussing it with him as well, as I tried to do with ex, but all I did was outline various scenario. I made one offer through sol, he made a few that would not have given me anything much to live on, by letter to my sol.

If you are anything like me, you are likely to have gone into stress mode. Do not worry, just ride it out. Every time it happens to me I think it will never go, actually I recover pretty quickly - although with my lifestyle (!) I can destress in bed whenever I want. or by walking if it would get a bit nicer weather When you feel better, and after sol has advised if necessary, you will find your head has processed stuff without you even realising, and things will be that bit clearer.

[ChildofIsis]

We had agreed to sort out finances between us until this point, cheaper and easier.
I don't want to pay for a solicitor to do what I can do for free, although it may come to that yet.

His model of the world is one where he gets everything he wants, his way and when he wants it. He doesn't like to be challenged or asked to justify his extravagances.
He goes into emotional blackmail if all else fails, last night he said he would walk in front of a bus...he wasn't winning the argument at that point!
He tried to appeal to my soft side with the 'I've got to have somewhere to live' stuff. I don't think he was impressed when I said he should have thought about that when he started this situation; and that I didn't care where he lived as long as DD had somewhere warm and dry to stay.

I'll leave a message with my sol today and see what she advises.

I've had a crap night and am quite shocky and upset this morning.
DD is off school which I'm quite pleased about as I've got something to take my mind off everything.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Isis, would you not qualify for legal aid? Although I can go after ph for costs, and I am doing, which I may or may not get, this only includes some of the costs, and I still will end up with a legal bill of about 3,000 by my calculation. I can't get these off him apparently! I don't qualify for legal aid, just over the threshold.

[ChildofIsis]

I can't imagine I would qualify.
I'm quite happy to pay my half of the agreed costs, unless it gets really messy in which case he can pay it all.
Stbx will have to pay any extras that he incurs.

I really don't want to get to the point where all communication is through the sol as we need to talk about DD's contact visits and I would like to keep things civil.
However I will not be treated like a doormat. I think he's been so used to me agreeing to everything that it's a shock to find I can stand up for myself.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, put your foot down with a firm hand...

[ThePinkPussycat]

It's not all or nothing with sols involved. But they keep you right, and stop you negotiating away stuff you didn't need to. One of the earliest things mine did was to ask for his financial details - she sent him a Form E to fill in, but he declined to supply them. (Of course I already knew most of them).

Have you drawn up a list of assets? Also remember that main purpose of settlement is to 1) make sure kids are ok and 2) make sure each adult has enough to move on with.

Actually you are probably not in the right state for all this after yesterday! My stressy aftermaths did not feature a good night's sleep either!!! Another communication method called for - will PM.

[ChildofIsis]

Sol rang last evening, she's advised me that mediation may be the only way to remove the confrontational aspect to the finances, well at least remove it from being directed at me down the phone.

She said lots of people say 'my sol says...' to back up an invalid point and that I will certainly qualify for at least 50% of his place if not more.

I have to think about it and speak to her next week to decide.
It may be less fraught to leave it to the experts.

I feel a bit more certain about things now.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, Isis, me and ph were starting that thing. Well, he started it , 'My sol said your offer is derisory' . I told him I was not playing 'he said, she said'. Since I reminded him that my Mother put 20,000 into the house, he had 'forgotten' apparently, he has given me a letter agreeing how much I need to buy him out. Hopefully he will stick to that, but we'll see. It's a fair offer, given that most of the equity was mine.
Mediation is much cheaper than sols letters going to and fro. IIRC correctly mediation is about £100 per hour compared to sols £210. Jeez, I hope she's good...

[ThePinkPussycat]

So far have accrued a couple of hundred short of £2K on financial settlement. Very few letters sent, had several hour long meetings with sol @£175 but they were worth it. Also sent various emails, sol doesn't reply unless she really has to (some of them were just worried rants tbh). Divorce was free as sols accidentally forgot to claim costs against ex, their mistake. But am v happy with what they have done - I do check what I can though, also I (and ex) have come up with various options which sol says can't be done in our case, like a charge on the house (works if kids are under 18 though). And of course I have done all the financial leg work - have to really, who else would know and I would have to explain it anyway somehow? Alternative would be to hand over statements etc to a divorce accountant at £200/hour!! I have also communicated with ex by email, and by letter from me but sent by sol, always got sol to check first in case I shot myself in the foot, and she has always sent drafts of her letters etc for approval, and I have sometimes suggested amendments which she has incorporated. In addition, have actually spoken with ex, and have given him into his hand some possible solutions as excel printouts, we couldn't agree but it kind of moved things forward a bit, and with sol's approval I enclosed these with a later letter I sent, even though we hadn't agreed. I made it very clear these were 'without prejudice'

Of course, ex has not engaged a sol - he is representing himself the dickhead

Have either of you started on the financials yet - it's not just what you've got. jointly and separately, but also forecasting your needs? If you are feeling brave you can download a Form E to see what's needed - tis a long form but much of it may not apply to you - obviously it has to cover a lot of possible types of assets.

Sounds rather like you went through similar to me Isis - ex/stbx induced angst followed by sol reassurance and a bit more clarity.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Fortunately we've got maintenance and stuff sorted out, the suggestion by letter to ph from the sol suggests that continues per CSA guideslines. Pension position is currently is I won't go after yours if you don't go after mine. He is taking the caravan, with the intention of selling it. At the moment, seems like all the Financials sorted out. Unless he changes his mind of course. He has had the grounds for divorce list last night, from the solicitor, via our address, as he keeps buggering about with regards to which address he is using. I made sure I got the letter from him agreeing to the settlement BEFORE he got the letter... May not be legally binding, but is certainly an indication of intent at that time, should it ever go to court.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Seems like the other address involves a woman, but he can't quite get his story straight on that one. Deja Vu all over again!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

It's hard the realisation that I married a total fwit. I need to learn not to attract these knobs.

[ChildofIsis]

I've asked the sol to sort out going to mediation, don't want to play the mindgames anymore.

On a completely different tack I've got a date tomorrow night!!!
A chap I met on-line, been chatting on-line, by text and on phone for a while, we get on really well and have lots in common.
I feel so very different when I'm talking to him, never felt like this before.

Of course it may all go pear-shaped when we meet, but such is life.
Had such a fun, exciting time with him so far I hope we get on ok in the flesh.
He's very sweet and kind and quite naughty too!

I'll keep you informed of developments.

[ThePinkPussycat]

parsley tis shame about marrying ex that kept me here for the last 3 years, that and the kids. I felt shame before when I had to gloss over his not working hardly at all to my family, but still thought he would come good. When we got together, I knew we were not the most confident people in the world, I thought we would help and support each other to a successful, productive and happy life...

Isis good luck on the mediation. Mine refused even to make an appointment for assessment (had to try this avenue as had started legals re settlement). And am v excited on your behalf re the date :)

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I know what you mean Pink I always knew he has 'ishooos' but I thought we had found a way to be together...we invest heavily don't we. When I found he wasn't really invested in the relationship it came as a huge shock. I think I am still shocked six months later. It's sad when you expect to grow old together....but we all of us have done the right thing. And we will have a different live, no less good!
My sol has billed me again. That's over a thousand quid she's had so far, and no sign of a divorce yet! I should have studies law at uni, not psychology. I am getting silent phone calls, which I could do without. And fwit keeps texting me. He doesn't seem to know how to be without me. Shame he couldn't treat me properly then...
Good luck with the date Isis and hopefully the mediaton will take you further forward. He can't keep messing about forever.

[ChildofIsis]

Well the date was a 'player', I had thought it was all too good to be true.
Had a great evening, made me feel alive again.

Didn't contact me when he said he would, and hasn't been in contact since but has been on the dating website today.

It was a very exciting week and I did think I could have fallen for him; well did a bit; but such is life.

At least I know I am still desirable and I've realised how innocent I am when it comes to dating. Valuable lessons learned.

Sol is sorting out mediation and we'll have to see where it leads.

[ThePinkPussycat]

Oh bollocks, isis, never mind. Am impressed at you dating though, I would be too scared

[ParsleyTheLioness]

That's a bummer Isis but you have put your toe in the water again. Have you been on our 'red flags'thread? Immediate interest from like this keeps be ing a feature of it.... Another day though, there are menz for all of us, if we want them!

[ChildofIsis]

I never thought of that thread although I've googled the red flags and ticked every one of them.

It was nice being naughty for once though.
Been a very long time since I felt desired, even though his words were false my sense of self has been enhanced so it's all to the good.

He will get his comeuppance.
No-one messes with a witch and gets away with it.
I'm not into revenge but I've found over the years that life has a funny way of punishing/rewarding those around me.

Just had a chat with my brother whose take on my finances is one of deciding where I want it to end and letting the pieces fall into place rather than fight every little battle to win the war (his phrase).
I think it's a good plan, so what now? This is an absolute minefield isn't it?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

It's a bit shit Isis but you'll come out the other side. I have done this before, and that's the bit I know. Don't be steam-rollered though. Dd is making a badge so that You, Pink and I can wear them for a bit at the party. What should your badge have on? Needs to be a picture, mine is a lion, obs...

[ThePinkPussycat]

Tell dd that I am excited about getting a badge - provided she won't feel it puts her under pressure. Cos I am excited

[ParsleyTheLioness]

She's very Arty Pink. Much more so than me!

[ThePinkPussycat]

Was going to say that you were Crafty I mean, hats, bead curtains...

[ChildofIsis]

Parsley your DD could google ancient egypt to find the symbol of Isis.
It's usually a full moon resting between ox horns.
Alternatively she could do an Ankh, symbol of everlasting life.
Whatever she does is fine by me though, it's a lovely idea.

We can be the MN crew!
Who knows we may find that some of my mates are on here and I never knew.