Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Trouble is it is me paying the bill :(...

[ChildofIsis]

That's a real bugger isn't it.

Here's a laugh for you, you could get friendly with a plumber to help out!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Had my fill of plumbers, they are not to be trusted IME...:)

[ChildofIsis]

I thought you would say something like that!

I've got the builder in plastering today, he's going to mend the roof on monday too.
Hopefully I can get a coat of paint on the ceiling tomorrow.
The roof leak is confined to one small area and won't hamper my painting.

I seem to be fighting with my internal dialogue again today.
We're having a good day and I slept well but my mind is tripping me up lots.
Well, I'm not having it.
It can sod off with reminding me of signs that I missed/overlooked at the time.

What's done is done.
All I can do is respond to it in a way that's beneficial to me and DD.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

See other thread. I say Head says one thing, Heart another. Head is line-manager of heart, so is boss, and must be deferred to.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Got new cat....must only tell dh on access.Not text him. So hard, but necessary, no?

[ChildofIsis]

You're right about not texting him.

I've had a dreadful start to the day.
DD kicked off during hair brushing, a regular occurrence.
It ended up with her telling me what I had to do and that I was 'a Disgrace!'.
I shut myself in my room til she'd calmed down.
She gets quite physical when in a strop and I don't want to lash out myself so I take myself away.
I texted xh for some support when I came out and he was as much use as nothing.
So much for 'co-parenting' DD together.
It's just another nail in the coffin isn't it?
I texted him to say that I won't involve him in the future as he was no use to us this time, I've yet to receive a reply.

If I never had to interact with him again it would be too soon.
It's a shame I have to cos of DD.
Whenever she's had a day with him she gets in a strop the next day.
They'd had a good day together yesterday, she'd enjoyed herself.
I think she doesn't really get why she can't see us together, she knows we aren't together but can't quite compute what that means, she is only 5.

[ChildofIsis]

I forgot to say good luck for your meeting later.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Thanks hun....I think they get to play Good Cop don't they, and milk it....Relate have got some books about helping children cope, my dd still has the odd strop, so I don't think its smooth for them whatever the age.
If it didn't settle down, and I suspect your dd probably will, would you think about Family Therapy, even if it was just you and her? Very good stuff...some very talented people involved in it...
We got a new cat. DD putting pic on profile later..

[ChildofIsis]

I think that may be a good idea, I hadn't thought about it.
Do I ask the docs about it?

I can tell DD has a lot to say about the situation but isn't sure who to tell it to.
School have had the counsellor to speak to DD, Counsellor seemed to think DD was ok and wasn't exhibiting any behavioural symptoms of the split.

Typical child, she's fine at school and has really impressed her teacher with her learning and behaviour.
I suppose it's a compliment that she acts up at home, it's where she feels safe and secure and knows that I will always love her no matter what.

Apparently xh hadn't got the texts I sent til much later, yeah yeah!
I don't believe anything he says these days.
He's going to have a word with DD this afternoon to see if he can 'help'.

Who knows whether it will or not.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, the doc is a good first point of call I think.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Awake at 1, 6, then half 6....got up then, but fortunately got back to sleep the previous times. Solicitor trip was grim, think that didn't help.

[ChildofIsis]

I wish there was something I could say that would help.
Is there anyway your solicitor could've got it wrong about the equity?
It seems a bit harsh tbh.

On a more positive note xh helped out yesterday and had a positive effect on DD. He ended up being very supportive and kind.

An old friend came round for a cuppa last night and we put the world to rights.

I got the attic ceiling painted yesterday and I think I may have got away with just one coat.
It's like half a hexagon and the eaves go down to about 18 inches off the floor, my back knows about it this morning.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

She was talking worst case scenario, but she said I
won't give you any bull, or words to that effect, and being a straight talking northern bird myself, I kinda respect that....

It was sad though, too....another step along the way, though I am not ready to divorce yet, I probably will be before too long. Just part of the letting go in stages thing I suppose.

[ChildofIsis]

I know what you mean.
Part of me wants a divorce now, then it's over and done with.
But part of me says why give him what he wants so readily.
But then whenever I mention divorce he says he doesn't want to do it yet, wtf!

I kind of wish that I could shoot forward in time to when it is all dealt with, but I know it's a process of letting go and to do it too quickly wouldn't necessarily be the best for DD or me.

xh still hasn't come up with the DNA proof I asked for so I assumes he's ok with the things as they are for now.
It certainly suits me to continue as we are doing for now.
At least DD is getting her daddy to herself and they are having fun together.
I suspect that alone time will stop as soon as the other child is in the mix.

Who knows what will happen in the future?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes, i don't feel quite ready to start the process, but I think I will be. Don't see any other alternative. But very sad, when you think you'll grow old with someone. And until fairly recently, I actually thought we were doing ok. You realise you have loved someone who really didn't deserve it.

[ChildofIsis]

Morning Parsley How are you?
What's been happening for you this week?

I've had a week and a half, the small leak in my roof has led the builder to go up into the loft space to find wet rot = new roof in the spring.
He has mended the leak temporarily.
He wasn't prepared for me to fall about laughing when he told me though.
I thought it was hilarious as xh will be footing the bill.

Whilst I was having fun on the 'drunk' thread and the' what silly things have you done this week' thread last night; a bunch of rowdy arsewipes went past the house and decided to kick the driver's side wing mirror off my van.
Rendering it unuseable.
So suddenly I wasn't merry anymore, I was on the phone to the police!
They're going to ring back/come round this morning.

Fortunately we weren't planning on going far today.
We don't have to have a vehicle until the middle of next week really.
We may have to start being more organised so we can walk to school!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Bit of a crappy week Isis with trip to sol and stuff....access visit at Mac's yesterday no fun....he just doesn't interact with me... never did really, so I'm angry about the past I suppose. I'm going to have to take a book, or my pooter, you can get wifi at macs, so it doesn't get on my tits nerves so much. Still have the odd howling meltdown in private. I let myself have five ten mins, then go back out there.

What you use your van for, are you self-employed?

[ChildofIsis]

XH and I run a property company, however the van is left over from when I had my own catering business.

Strictly speaking I'm a co-director of the company, but in reality I work part-time gratis doing lots of hard, grotty jobs.
The theory was that our sweat equity would pay dividends in our future.
Hollow bloody laughter.
I've been gratfing for some twat who doesn't want a future with me!

It's now about DD's inheritance as far as I'm concerned.
It'll hopefully provide DD with an income when she's older.
It's just ticking over for now, xh has a f/t job too.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Ah, I see...have to meet ah later, he has got dd's kung fu pants, cos she stuffed them in a bag I had already filled with his crap clothes. The carrier was the same as one she had been using earlier...don't want to buy any more tho cos they are quite dear and Special apparently....

[ChildofIsis]

How did the kund fu pants handover go?

I hope you're ok? It's a bugger isn't it this life we're living?
Mind you if 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' then we'll be the world's strongest women!

I've painted 2 very odd shaped large walls sunshine yellow.
Suddenly the attic is starting to look like it may get to be a bedroom soon.
The carpets go down on tuesday. Then I can start moving my stuff up.
I know I need the exercise but a million trips up the attic stairs may be overdoing it a tad.
My bed and wardrobe go up next sunday.

It's 6 weeks till xmas and I'm a bit concerned about it all.
The day itself and Boxing day are organised, but xh has gone very quiet over the dna business, I suspect it will get sprung on me when I least expect it.
Either a positive result or an absolute refusal.
The refusal suits me, it gives DD time with her Dad to herself.
And I suppose gives him an excuse to be away from his other life, he likes to hide from anything that needs talking about or that makes him uncomfortable.
He tends to do whatever is most convenient and least effort.
Quite how having an affair for 2.5 yrs fits into that I'm not sure.

No doubt time will tell which it is to be.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Kung fu handover ok, but didn't really want to meet the day after we had already, and I had reassured myself I was safe for another week.
Sorry, the dna thing...who is asking for dna test, and why? Pm if easier...
No idea about Crimbo. Mother wants us to go up there, but that makes it about 300 miles between gp's, so I would rather stay here (would be preferred venue anyhoo). Can cope with Christmas Eve at an impartial venue, but don't want him coming to the house...fear there might be a scene.
Want to organise something for New Years Eve tho. Normally stay in, so going out would be a nice change, and remove the memories a bit. Thought about booking a hotel. Might yet do so.

[ChildofIsis]

I want dna proof that the ow's child is xh's before I let him tell DD that she has a sister.
The ow has a history of infidelity and I don't want DD caught up in an unnecessary situation.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Oh, get you now. What on earth did he want to saddle himself settle down with her for then?

[ChildofIsis]

Goodness only knows.
Although to quote him he knows 'categorically' that the child is his.
As if anyone can be that sure, particularly when they're away 5 days a week.

He asked how I would feel about having to do a test to prove he was DD's dad, I said bring it on, after all I've never slept around.
He hadn't expected that response I don't think.

He wasn't the only one wanting a bit of excitement in the face of being a parent to a toddler, but was the only one who chose to sleep around.

ow is an ace manipulator but then so is he.
I can't see it ending well.
I'm well rid of him.

How are you holding up?